The Danger of Transactional Faith: Why ‘Miracle Working’ is Not the Gospel

• Marital Conflict & Communication [00:44:23 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor identifies common marital issues such as communication, money, in-laws, and sex as surface-level triggers rather than the root cause.
• Attachment Styles [00:48:26 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor explains that 99.9% of arguments stem from attachment styles and different family histories, urging the congregation to understand these patterns.
• Unhealed Wounds [00:49:31 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor asserts that couples are fighting unhealed wounds that manifest as issues in money, parenting, or communication, rather than fighting each other.
• Survival Patterns [00:52:26 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor explains that behavioral patterns are adaptations developed in childhood to survive, not mistakes, and that adults must recognize these patterns to change them.
• Survival Patterns vs. Personality [00:56:09 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor distinguishes between innate personality and learned survival patterns (hypervigilance, shutting down) developed in childhood to protect oneself, urging listeners to recognize these as patterns to be broken rather than fixed traits.
• Marriage as a Mirror for Growth [00:58:28 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor argues that marriage is not designed for happiness but for spiritual growth and maturity, acting as a mirror that exposes pre-existing insecurities, anger, and control issues rather than creating them.
• Rules of Engagement in Conflict [01:02:22 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor introduces specific 'rules of engagement' for conflict, including attacking the problem rather than the person's identity, and staying in the room to remain engaged rather than fleeing or shutting down.
• Identity vs. Behavior in Conflict [01:04:02 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor contrasts addressing specific behaviors ('when you said that, it hurt') with attacking identity ('you are selfish'), noting that attacking identity guarantees escalation, while addressing behavior allows for healthy resolution.
• Conflict as a Portal to Intimacy [01:11:45 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor argues that conflict is not an enemy but a 'portal to intimacy' that leads to breakthrough when handled correctly.
• Nervous System Healing and Regulation [01:12:04 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor explains that a healed nervous system allows one to enter conflict without fear, whereas an unhealed system leads to panic or shutdown.
• Curiosity vs. Accusation [01:17:52 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor cites Proverbs 18:13 to argue that curiosity beats accusation, urging listeners to ask questions rather than assign motives to their spouse's behavior.
• Anger as a Secondary Emotion [01:18:43 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor explains that anger is a secondary emotion masking underlying hurt or unmet needs, and that criticism often signals a need for help.
• Defensiveness and Fear of Failure [01:20:36 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor identifies defensiveness as a reaction to a deep-seated fear of failure or inadequacy, urging spouses to address the issue rather than the person.
• Family Systems and Patterns [01:23:21 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor warns that spouses often marry into their family's dysfunctional patterns (e.g., yelling, shutting down) and must fight the pattern, not the person.
• Emotional Safety and Honesty [01:25:32 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor defines emotional safety as the ability to be honest without fearing the cost, emphasizing that God holds individuals responsible for their own healthy communication, not their spouse's reaction.
• Emotional Safety and Conflict [01:25:09 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor defines emotional safety not as the absence of disagreement, but as the security that disagreement won't threaten the relationship, allowing for honest communication without fear of negative reactions.
• Neuroplasticity and Healing Timelines [01:31:05 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses brain science to explain that rewiring emotional patterns takes time (1-3 years for wounds, 6-12 months for conflict styles), emphasizing that growth is a process of restructuring the brain.
• Divine Healing vs. Marital Fixing [01:34:00 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor clarifies that God's primary interest is fixing the individual's wounds and patterns, which then results in a healed marriage as a byproduct, rather than directly fixing the marriage itself.

• Sermon Illustration [00:43:50 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal anecdote about her 34-year marriage, noting that she and her husband have had 'epic fights' and that she wishes she had learned these principles earlier to save heartache.
• Sermon Illustration [00:53:40 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses the analogy of a 'five-year-old Penny' who learned to shrink back or stand up to protect herself from bullying, illustrating how early trauma creates hypervigilance and survival patterns that persist into adulthood.
• Sermon Illustration [00:53:40 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal anecdote about her 5-year-old self learning to be hypervigilant and a fierce protector due to witnessing bullying and abuse, contrasting this childhood survival pattern with her current understanding that God is her protector.
• Sermon Illustration [00:57:42 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor recounts a conversation with a man who claimed to have a 'great family' but shut down during conflict, illustrating how dysfunction creates patterns that are exposed in marriage.
• Sermon Illustration [01:06:13 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal story from the first year of her marriage where her husband would leave the house during arguments, triggering her abandonment fears, and how they learned to stay in the room and engage rather than flee.
• Sermon Illustration [01:03:04 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses the analogy of Rocky Balboa fighting Apollo Creed to describe the 'fight mode' people enter when they feel threatened, illustrating the instinct to 'knock out' the opponent rather than solve the problem.
• Sermon Illustration [01:09:06 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal anecdote about her husband's progress in conflict resolution, noting that while he used to leave the house, he now stays in the room but must work to stay fully engaged and present, sometimes asking to pause to avoid disengaging.
• Sermon Illustration [01:21:34 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor describes her past reaction to her husband's defensiveness, where she would match his energy or accuse him, but now she uses curiosity to ask how her words landed on him, recognizing that he may be hearing a different message than intended.
• Sermon Illustration [01:22:18 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses the analogy of a '57-year-old Troy' vs. a 'seven or eight-year-old' to illustrate that when a spouse reacts defensively, they are often operating from a wounded child's perspective rather than their adult self.
• Sermon Illustration [01:30:14 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal anecdote about his marriage, describing how his husband would shut down and snore during arguments while he remained anxious and awake, illustrating the dynamic of avoidant vs. anxious attachment styles.
• Sermon Illustration [01:27:48 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses the analogy of an 'eight-year-old' vs. a 'grown adult' to describe how emotional triggers cause adults to revert to childlike coping mechanisms (shutting down or getting heated) rather than engaging as mature adults.

• Pastoral Charge [00:21:39 ▶️ 📄]
  > Congregation members are commanded to physically move to the front of the sanctuary to receive prayer for healing.
• Pastoral Charge [00:22:31 ▶️ 📄]
  > Congregation is commanded to actively rise and bring their failures to the altar for prayer and restoration.
• Pastoral Charge [00:50:34 ▶️ 📄]
  > Congregation is encouraged to take notes during the sermon to improve retention and application of the message.
• Pastoral Charge [00:56:20 ▶️ 📄]
  > Break the learned survival patterns that are no longer needed.
• Pastoral Charge [01:01:05 ▶️ 📄]
  > Decide to be willing to do what it takes to be healthy in relationships.
• Pastoral Charge [01:12:46 ▶️ 📄]
  > Learn attachment styles
• Pastoral Charge [01:21:34 ▶️ 📄]
  > Ask questions instead of assuming motives
• Pastoral Charge [01:33:25 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor invites the congregation to stand and acknowledge the need for personal healing rather than seeking a new spouse.
• Pastoral Charge [01:34:34 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor invites the congregation to bow their heads, close their eyes, and allow God to restore and heal broken places in their lives and marriages.
• Pastoral Charge [01:35:20 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor commands the congregation to physically place their hand over their heart, verbally acknowledge their desire for a fresh start, and verbally give God access to their hearts.

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]
[00:00:00] I didn't know if that was a fix, but my wife was like, yep, yep.
[00:00:30] Thank you.

[00:01:00] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]
[00:01:00] All right.
[00:01:30] Yeah, please get this off my face.
[00:01:34] Yes, and also put all this on.
[00:01:36] Oh, yes.
[00:01:38] Only, only So.
[00:01:42] I'm not, I'm not gonna finish the movie just like that.
[00:01:46] Thanks, Johnny.
[00:01:54] Alright.

[00:02:31] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[00:02:31] Happy to have you guys in.
[00:03:56] Make sure you're commenting down below so we can hear where you're from.
[00:04:00] We do have some exciting events coming up.
[00:04:03] One of my favorites is our equip classes starting next Monday.
[00:04:08] So me and Jason did equip 101 last semester to kind of get a little basis of the Bible, get a little bit of a reminder.

[00:04:15] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:04:15] Has it already been a whole semester?

[00:04:17] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[00:04:17] Yeah.
[00:04:17] Wow.
[00:04:18] Yeah.
[00:04:18] And then we have 201, of course.
[00:04:21] You can choose between 101 and 201 based on kind of where you're at.
[00:04:25] Or if you just want a refresher on some things, definitely come in, join.
[00:04:30] It's a great tool to use.
[00:04:31] So we had some amazing leaders teaching the class.
[00:04:35] So it's every Monday, I believe, for about six weeks.

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:04:38] Yeah, I think six weeks is about.
[00:04:39] Yeah, you can go to freedomhouse.cc slash equip to sign up for that.
[00:04:44] As we continue going down the list of announcements, we hope everyone had a great week.
[00:04:51] I know for me, I spent yesterday doing exactly what I wanted to do on a Saturday in the fall.
[00:04:58] Sleep.
[00:04:59] I think Mallory got a little upset.
[00:05:02] I'm a college football snob, so I watch it from 9 a.m.
[00:05:06] until I was up to, what, 2 a.m. last night watching it.

[00:05:08] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]
[00:05:08] And it was good background white noise for me.

[00:05:10] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:05:10] So, yep.
[00:05:11] So that's a great Saturday.
[00:05:14] But I didn't get to go to the golf course.

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[00:05:16] He will survive.
[00:05:16] So that kind of sucked.
[00:05:18] But last night we did have our wedding cake from a year ago.
[00:05:22] So we did the tradition where you freeze the wedding cake, and then on your one year, we were a little late.
[00:05:27] We were about a month late.
[00:05:28] But we had it.

[00:05:30] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:05:30] Needless to say, let us know if you need anything fun, exciting this weekend.
[00:05:34] And, Mal, go ahead.

[00:05:35] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[00:05:35] Of course, yeah. So again, with the equipped classes, that is September 28th to November 2nd.
[00:05:41] So about a six-week class.
[00:05:43] And then, of course, we have baptisms today happening at South End and Lake Norman.
[00:05:47] So we had the pleasure of doing that here at our central campus last week, and I believe at Ballantyne.
[00:05:52] So we have the other campuses today.
[00:05:54] So, of course, if you're ready to get dunked, come on, head to a campus closest to you.
[00:05:59] And you can make it, of course, for second service.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:06:01] Yeah, if you don't necessarily live near Central Campus, which is where we are, then that's fine.
[00:06:09] We have campuses all across the Charlotte area.
[00:06:13] So, yeah, you can, you know, I had a work friend that passed our South End campus the other day.
[00:06:20] So, I was like, man, you're better than I am because I'm going to tell myself I've never been to South End.

[00:06:25] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[00:06:25] He's never been to South End.
[00:06:26] I have had the pleasure of going to all campuses.
[00:06:28] We did go to Ballantyne on the opening weekend.
[00:06:32] It was beautiful.
[00:06:33] Great location.
[00:06:34] Lots of turnout.
[00:06:35] So that was good.
[00:06:36] But all the other campuses, they all are so different.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:06:40] And that's what makes us so unique.

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[00:06:42] Exactly.

[00:06:42] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:06:42] One house with many rooms, right?
[00:06:44] One house with many rooms.
[00:06:44] So just know that no matter where, if you've never been here, if it's your first time coming in, you're going to be hearing me welcome with open arms from the moment you walk through the doors.
[00:06:53] And that's part of what we do here at Freedom House.
[00:06:56] We make sure that you feel the love of Jesus every moment that you're in here.

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[00:07:01] Every conversation you have from going to Guest Central to get your free gift and get connected with the church to just sitting in on worship and turning to your left and right and greeting someone new.
[00:07:12] So super happy to have you guys online today or, of course, in the house.
[00:07:17] Hope you guys enjoy Penny's message today on some house rules.
[00:07:22] And we will see you guys next week.

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:07:24] Later, guys. See you soon.

[00:07:26] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]
[00:07:26] to you this morning grateful grateful that you never fail grateful that you always uphold us

[00:19:25] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]
[00:19:25] even when we feel like we might be going down you're right there with us i think of peter when he's walking towards you walking on water he's the wind and the rain and everything else
[00:19:40] is happening around him the waves and all you do is simply reach down and grab a hold of him when his faith was lacking.
[00:19:47] So Father, I thank you that you're always there for us.
[00:19:51] You are our firm foundation.
[00:19:53] You are the person we can lean on.
[00:19:57] Our weary, when we're faint, when we feel like we're going through a struggle, you're always there.
[00:20:04] And God, you will lift us up with your mighty right hand.
[00:20:09] We give you praise and honor for it.
[00:20:11] We thank you for everything you do for us, everything you've done for us and everything you're gonna do for it.
[00:20:18] We give you all the praise and glory and honor and all God's people said, amen.

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_07]
[00:20:22] Go ahead, you can clap for that, that's good.
[00:20:26] We're gonna go ahead and open up the altar for prayer.
[00:20:29] So if our leaders could go ahead and make their way to the front.
[00:20:31] I want you to know that the Bible says that Jesus Christ is our chief cornerstone.
[00:20:39] Let me say that again.
[00:20:40] Jesus Christ is our chief cornerstone.
[00:20:46] What does that mean?
[00:20:47] That means he won't fail.
[00:20:49] that means there's structural integrity for the life that is built on Christ. That means that our failures won't dislodge our future. Like our failures, if we just bring them before Christ and we just lay it at the feet of Christ, there's structural integrity for the life that is built
[00:21:11] on Jesus. And so I believe that what God wants to deal with today is failures. He wants to deal with our failures. First, I want to start with the fact that sometimes our bodies are failing,
[00:21:26] but do you know that Jesus, he's the one that heals our bodies. He gave us our bodies. Why wouldn't he be able to heal our bodies? He's the creator. And so if you have a situation today
[00:21:39] where you've been diagnosed with something and something in your body is failing, I want you to go ahead and get out of your seat right now and make your way to the front and ask God for a
[00:21:48] healing hand on your life. Maybe it's a job that's failing and you need provision today. He's available for you. You don't have to wait. You can just get out of your seat and come. He has more than enough.
[00:22:02] God is a God of abundance. You know, maybe it's a relationship, a marriage, a relationship with the child that's failing and you want so much more out of it, but it's just not there right now.
[00:22:15] God is a restorer. He's a redeemer. He makes up for all the years that are lost. If we'll just bring it to him. So church, whatever failure you're facing, you are not a failure. Let me say
[00:22:31] that again. You are not a failure. The Bible says that the righteous will fall seven times, yet they will rise. They will rise. And so let's rise today. Let's not stay seated in our pain. Let's rise.
[00:22:47] Let's bring our failure to the altar because your failure does not define your future.
[00:22:55] God is more than able.
[00:22:57] And that's the song that we're about to sing today.
[00:22:59] So as we begin to sing, come and get prayer.

[00:24:03] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[00:24:03] Come on, let's declare this all over this room.

[00:24:21] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]
[00:24:21] You are more than able.
[00:24:30] Lifting their hands, there'll be a lot more people praising his name

[00:29:00] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]
[00:29:00] because he is the God of the impossible.
[00:29:04] And so we're not just going to sing this song, we're going to proclaim this song over our circumstances today that anything is possible.
[00:29:11] Anything is possible.
[00:29:13] There is miracles that have taken place with the people on this platform right here.
[00:29:18] Anything is possible.
[00:29:20] Restoration of families.
[00:29:22] Wombs that have been opened.
[00:29:23] children that have come home salvation taking place in the home anything is possible who am i to deny what the lord can do who am i so let's sing this again but let's not sing it let's
[00:29:46] proclaim it that means you're singing in faith knowing who he is knowing what he can do and

[00:29:52] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]
[00:29:52] knowing what's going to take place so let's sing this again michael for your presence your presence

[00:32:54] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_10]
[00:32:54] changes situations lord your presence changes circumstances lord the circle that you're around when you get in his presence you step out of that circumstance because of his presence hallelujah thank you so much lord for your goodness for your mercy for your grace for
[00:33:16] your loving kindness toward us lord oh we thank you that you still do miracles and not only are you able, but you are willing. Thank you for that, Lord, that you want to do for us. Thank you so
[00:33:34] much, Lord, for this day in Jesus name. Amen. Amen. Hallelujah. Well, if you're here for the first time, we want to welcome you to the house of freedom, freedom house. Amen. Before you take your seat, turn to your right, turn to your left, greet a neighbor and enjoy this message from our

[00:33:55] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_08]
[00:33:55] senior pastors. Hey, what's up everybody? Welcome to Freedom House. My name is Troy Maxwell and this is my beautiful wife, Penny, and we're your senior pastors. We are one house with many rooms. We have

[00:34:16] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_06]
[00:34:16] campuses all around the Charlotte area, including our online campus. So no matter where you are

[00:34:23] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_08]
[00:34:23] joining us from, we want to welcome you. Listen, our heart is very simple. We want to help equip you to experience Christ's freedom in your everyday life. And we have a huge vision here.
[00:34:34] You'll notice that every one of our campuses, we have live teachers, live preachers.
[00:34:39] Why do we do that?
[00:34:40] Because we are a relational church.
[00:34:42] We want to connect to you.
[00:34:44] We're not a video venue.

[00:34:46] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_06]
[00:34:46] And you'll notice over in our kids area, they have the same thing.
[00:34:49] Live teachers, live preaching, and worship.
[00:34:53] We do this because we know there is no junior Holy Spirit.
[00:34:57] We aren't raising up the next generation.
[00:34:59] We're raising up the now generation.

[00:35:02] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_08]
[00:35:02] And maybe you're new here at Freedom House or you just haven't gotten connected.
[00:35:06] All you have to do, open your phone, tap that little circle on the seat back in front of you, and you'll find your next best step in getting connected.

[00:35:14] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_06]
[00:35:14] That's right.
[00:35:15] We can't wait to get connected to you.
[00:35:17] Now, let's take a look at what's coming up here at Freedom House.

[00:35:27] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]
[00:35:27] What is up, church?
[00:35:29] Happy Sunday.
[00:35:30] You know, we got something pretty cool coming up.
[00:35:31] We have our Get On Track.
[00:35:33] This is an event that we do every month, and it is your way to learn more about who we are and how you can get connected. This event is designed to help you take your next step.
[00:35:43] You'll learn about the heart of the house. You'll learn about the vision of this church and the values of Freedom House. But also you'll discover how God has uniquely gifted you and explore opportunities to grow in your faith and make a difference through serving. So if you've
[00:35:56] been looking to build community, get involved and become a part of what God is doing here at Freedom House, this event is for you. So what I'm going to ask you to do is this. Join us on
[00:36:06] October 4th, and visit freedomhouse.cc slash getontrack to register right now, today, and we'll

[00:36:12] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_01]
[00:36:12] see you there. Hi, ladies. I am coming at you with some exciting news. On October 3rd, every woman of our church and the community are invited to an authentic night, especially for you. Okay, we have
[00:36:28] a special guest, Pastor Millicent Sedra, coming all the way from Echo Church in Australia, down Nanda for a special message to impact your life. So we want you there, okay? October 3rd, come ready to lap, honestly. Connect with other women and also be challenged and step into the woman that
[00:36:46] God is calling you to be. So be sure to register at freedomhouse.cc slash authentic and let us know that you're coming. We can't wait to see all you authentic ladies there. At Freedom House, we believe

[00:36:59] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]
[00:36:59] following Jesus is a journey. And no matter where you are in that journey, there's always room for us to grow. And that's why we offer our Equip classes, an opportunity to dive deeper into God's Word and strengthen your faith in a practical and meaningful way. Equip includes
[00:37:15] two classes, and they meet at the same time. Equip 101 is perfect for building a strong biblical foundation and growing in your confidence with Scripture. Equip 201 is designed for those who are ready to go a little deeper, uncovering new insights and getting a richer understanding
[00:37:30] of the Bible. Either way, join us starting on September 28th at 7 p.m. as we grow deeper in our faith and our understanding of God's Word together. To learn more and to register, go to
[00:37:40] freedomhouse.cc slash equip. For all this and more, download the Freedom House app or head to

[00:37:45] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]
[00:37:45] freedomhouse.cc slash connect. All right, so we're going to start off this generosity moment a little bit different. I'm going to see if you can finish this line. Zacchaeus was a wee little man. There's my Sunday school people right there. If you've never heard that before, you're never in Sunday
[00:38:05] school as a little kid because that was one of the first songs you ever learned as a kid in Sunday school. But we're going to talk about Zacchaeus today. Now, ironically, this past week, we talked
[00:38:15] about Zacchaeus in my life group on Thursday morning for about an hour. I'm going to give you the cliff note version, if that's all right. So Zacchaeus had a little bit of an issue, and it
[00:38:26] wasn't the fact that he was short. Zacchaeus was known as a chief tax collector. Now, society saw chief tax collectors as sinners and the worst of the worst. And I'm sorry if you work for the IRS,
[00:38:38] but that's just the way it was. All right. Because back in that day, what tax collectors would do is they'd actually charge people more taxes than what was actually owed to Rome at that point in time.
[00:38:49] so people saw them as the worst of the worst but Zacchaeus he knew Jesus was coming so he ran ahead of the crowd he climbed up in a tree so he could see Jesus now this is very interesting in that
[00:39:02] moment because Zacchaeus was a wealthy man and for him to actually climb up into a tree it was almost like he was degrading himself but he had to humble himself to actually see the Messiah coming and when
[00:39:15] Messiah came, he looked up in the tree and saw Zacchaeus. He said, Zacchaeus, come on down. I'm going to your house today. See, he saw something more than what society saw in Zacchaeus. Something more than what everybody else around him saw. He went to his house and do you know everything
[00:39:33] changed? Just because the Lord went to his house, salvation came to Zacchaeus' house. Zacchaeus' his heart changed. His generosity changed because he's like, Lord, if I have done anything wrong, if I've overcharged people, I'll give them back four times. And as a matter of fact, God,
[00:39:53] I'm willing to give 50% of everything I own to the poor. See, it was the heart posture that had to change. It was because of the encounter that he had with Jesus that everything changed
[00:40:06] financially for him and God showed up with his house. He wants to show up in your house. He wants to have a relationship with you. He wants to come and dine with you and he wants to bring salvation
[00:40:17] to your house. That's the kind of God we serve and that's the type of generosity we ought to have is that because we've experienced salvation, because our hearts have changed, we give. We give honoring who Jesus is, honoring his house.
[00:40:33] And we wanna give generous so more people can come to that relationship.
[00:40:39] So if you've been given to the vision and values and beliefs of this house, thank you.
[00:40:43] If you wanna find out more, simply go to freedomhouse.cc slash give.
[00:40:48] But we're a generous church.
[00:40:49] We give back.
[00:40:50] We wanna see more people know about the loving salvation of Jesus Christ.
[00:40:55] Let's pray.
[00:40:57] Heavenly Father, we just thank you for who you are.
[00:40:59] thank you that you loved us enough to go to the cross for us and lord we just want to give back we want to give an obedience by giving our tithes but we also want to give generously
[00:41:11] and give offerings well above our tithe lord we don't want to be selfish we want to give back we want other people to experience what we've experienced your love your grace your mercy and God, we just thank you for it. We give you all the praise, all the glory and all the honor today

[00:41:32] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_06]
[00:41:32] in Jesus name we pray. Amen. All right. Enjoy the rest of service. You know, I just realized this is the first time that I have got to be with you guys since my husband, I got back from sabbatical.
[00:42:31] So you just better get ready. You know, I've got a lot of energy stored up in there. It's going to be one of those messages. I told somebody that in the hallway. They said, Pastor P, when you preach,
[00:42:43] it's always one of those messages. I guess that's true, right? But we can like pull our little toes back in. I taught this message at our Lake Norman campus and the husbands were telling me they all
[00:42:53] came out with bruised ribs, you know, getting elbowed. Well, welcome. I'm so glad you're here today and so glad to everyone who is watching us online from all over the world. We have North Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Virginia, New Jersey, Vermont, Illinois, Arkansas, Texas,
[00:43:15] Pennsylvania, and Colorado. Let's give it up for everybody. So in this series, it's called House Rules, and you're going to be hearing from all of our different teaching team throughout the rest of this series, different things about marriage, about family, about parenting. But here's the
[00:43:38] thing. If you are single, I would be taking some serious notes because I wished I would have learned this stuff 34 years ago when I got married. I did not know any of this stuff and it would have
[00:43:50] saved me a lot of heartache. Today, I'm going to be talking about the house rules, but more specifically, uh, rules of engagement, how to fight, right? Anybody want to know how to fight, right? Yeah. In the 34 years that we've been married and 34 years of doing ministry, uh,
[00:44:12] we have sat down with hundreds of couples through the years. And they would tell you when, when you sit down and we're like, Hey, what's going on? They would say, we're, we haven't, we're having
[00:44:23] issues with communication or we're having issues with money. We're having issues with the in-laws.
[00:44:30] Come on, somebody say amen there. You can call them the in-laws or the outlaws, one or the other.
[00:44:36] We're having issues with money, with sex, like clothes on the floor. Somebody's loading the dishwasher wrong or squeezing the toothpaste wrong. You name it, we have heard it. The incredible long list of all the different reasons why people are fighting. And in my own 34 years of marriage,
[00:45:00] Pastor Troy and I have had some epic fights. And I'm going to tell you about some of them today because I don't think it's right for me to talk about how to be authentic and how to be engaged
[00:45:12] in argument and not just be honest about places we've been and even places that we are now that we want to work through, that we've been trying to work through. And I want you to know that what
[00:45:24] it looks like is the issue. You might be going, yeah, it's the schedules, sex. It's all of these different things. Men, that was a good time for you to say amen. Nobody's going to take me up on
[00:45:37] that. What? Amen. Amen. All right. Maybe the ladies need to say amen on that one. But I know we're thinking, you know, it's our schedules. Like we're just, we're arguing over all these things. We just
[00:45:54] can't seem to get it right, and I want you to know that it's really not those things. You might be going, yes, it is, because on the way to church today, we got an argument about it. It's nothing
[00:46:05] like an argument on the way to church. You know what I'm saying? Anybody ever done that before?
[00:46:09] Anybody done that today? Today? Today? All right. All right. Well, it's really something deeper.
[00:46:17] it's really not about the communication. It's not about the sex. It's not about all the different things you think it may be that your schedules jacked up or, or something he said, or she said
[00:46:32] the deeper issue is that those things are simply the trigger. They are the trigger. The explosion is coming from somewhere inside. And what I want us to do is I want us to hone in and I want us to
[00:46:46] go to the root issue. I want to start off by taking us to the beginning, the book of Genesis.
[00:46:55] God says to Adam and Eve, he says, the two flesh shall become one. And then we also see in the gospels where Jesus repeats that same sentiment multiple times. He says, the two, the husband and
[00:47:09] wife, leave their father and mother, and they become one flesh. You see, Paul repeat this in Ephesians, the two shall become one. And he adds on a little extra and says, man, what a great
[00:47:23] mystery that is. And it is a mystery how two separate people can become one flesh. What I want to tell you is there's a challenge with that. When you have two broken people that become one,
[00:47:38] when you have two different histories, two different family stories, two different family systems that become one. When you have two different attachment styles that become one.
[00:47:53] Now what is an attachment style? I'm going to talk about that a little bit in a little bit and I'm not going to go in depth in it because my husband and I did a series last year in February that was
[00:48:04] all about attachment styles. So I'd prefer you go back and watch that because it's four straight weeks of dealing with attachment style. But what I can tell you is that 99.9% of every single argument, every single disagreement that my husband and I have had has been because of attachment
[00:48:26] styles. I can also tell you that the issues that you thought you had at work with your boss, with your coworkers is actually attachment styles. And when you learn those, you can watch them and see
[00:48:40] them playing out. And again, I'm going to go into those a little bit deeper, further into the message. But what I want you to understand is when you come from two different backgrounds, two different stories, two different histories, and you come together as one, there's some ish
[00:48:58] that needs to be worked out. You know what I'm saying? And it can be difficult and it can be hard, but God says to become one. That means there's things in us that we have to let go of.
[00:49:09] and we're going to dig into that today and find out really what's going on because what we're really fighting we're not fighting each other we're fighting unhealed wounds that can present as money as parenting as communication as sexual issues but it's all unhealed wounds
[00:49:31] you're not broken you're actually patterned there's a pattern there and today we're going to chase those patterns down. We're going to take a look at them and we're going to reform them because we want healthy marriages. And what I'm preaching today is not just about marriage.
[00:49:52] You can apply this to every relationship in your life, whether it's with your children, whether it's at work, whether it's in the PTA circle, whether it's at Bunko, I don't know, whatever it is, and on the golf course. You can pick this stuff up. If you are a boss and you
[00:50:12] have people that work for you, I would encourage you to study these things out because it's going to play out in every single relationship. Knowing that, I would encourage you to take notes today because what happens when people email me or DM me and go, hey, what was point number three again?
[00:50:34] if you write it down and you take notes, not only are you hearing it, but if you can write it down, the chances of you actually applying this in your life go up over 50%. And that's a big deal. When I
[00:50:50] study and I'm on my face and I'm praying before the Lord, God, give me a word for your people that will change their life. I actually want you to take what you hear on Sunday and use it Monday
[00:51:03] through Saturday to change your family, change your marriage, change your world. So I believe it doesn't matter what you came in here with today, that if you take these and you apply them to your life, you will see things drastically change. I don't care if your marriage is on the
[00:51:26] brink of divorce. I just heard that my God is more than able. And I believe, even if you think, man, my marriage is going good. Let me just tell you, there's another level that it can go to.
[00:51:40] So don't discount anything that you're hearing today. Understand that God is not a God of average.
[00:51:48] He's not even a God of a little above average. He's a miracle working, powerful God.
[00:51:56] and I want us to grab hold of this today because I have a sneaking suspicion. It's not just pastor Troy and I that have had issues in our marriage. I just don't think you can be married
[00:52:10] for 34 years and think that every day you just wake up and everything smelling, you know, tulips tiptoe and through the tulips, even for pastors, you guys, you ready for some real life stuff.
[00:52:26] okay all right patterns are actually what you became in order to survive there are patterns we establish at a young age and we think they're just who we are our personality I hear people say
[00:52:45] I'm just quiet I'm just reserved no no there's probably a pattern that you learned at a young age that made you go inward. Okay. We do the things we do because somewhere along the line,
[00:52:59] there was a perceived payoff and we turn it and we develop a pattern and things that are quietly passed down through generations, through our family history, through culture, they get embedded in our bodies and in our nervous systems. And here's the thing. Some of you do the things you
[00:53:23] do and you look at it like it was a mistake. I wish I wouldn't do that. It's a mistake. It's actually not a mistake. Your body did those things as an adaptation. Your body was trying to protect
[00:53:40] you. And in doing so, think about it like this. The five-year-old Penny learned that if she asserted herself, if she stood up, I watched people be bullied. I watched people be abused.
[00:53:59] And I was going to do one or two things. I was going to shrink back or I was going to stand up and protect. I'm a fierce protector of people. I also learned at a young age that there were people
[00:54:13] who were given authority and charge over me that were not healthy.
[00:54:20] And I learned to read a room and almost to the point of, I would say, hypervigilance.
[00:54:31] It's one thing to be vigilant.
[00:54:33] It's another to be hypervigilant.
[00:54:38] And so as a young girl, I learned read the room.
[00:54:42] You see people that have come back from the battlefield, they're the same way, hypervigilant.
[00:54:46] They know all the exits because they're used to battle and so they're on guard they're looking and as a little girl I developed that pattern be on guard look for things check for things because you got to protect
[00:55:01] yourself because nobody else did okay so that was a pattern that I developed early on as a almost 55 year old five-year-old little penny did what she needed to do in order to survive 55-year-old Penny doesn't need to keep that pattern
[00:55:23] because 55-year-old Penny understands that God is her protector.
[00:55:29] God is her defender.
[00:55:31] He is a strong tower of refuge that I can run to him.
[00:55:38] But what I don't get mad at is when I see that pattern pop up, I'm like, oh, thank you for protecting me.
[00:55:45] But hey, don't forget, God's doing that now.
[00:55:48] Do you hear me?
[00:55:49] All of us develop patterns, and I'm going to go into these a little bit deeper.
[00:55:54] So when there's issues in our life that need to be addressing marriage or family, we can assume, oh, that's just my personality.
[00:56:03] I just pull away.
[00:56:04] That's just who I am.
[00:56:05] I've always been that way.
[00:56:09] I want to submit to you that it's not your personality.
[00:56:14] It's a pattern that you develop to keep yourself safe, And today, we're gonna break that.
[00:56:20] And even more accurately than a pattern, it's a form of protection.
[00:56:25] Let me give you some others.
[00:56:27] You might see yourself in some of these.
[00:56:29] Maybe you shut down because quiet feels safer than vocalizing.
[00:56:35] I always have to be loud in order to be heard.
[00:56:39] Asking for too much might cost me connection, so I stuff things internally.
[00:56:45] If I'm not the strong one, this is me, if I'm not the strong one, someone might control me. If I flee or I shut down in conflict, it's because it's overwhelming and I don't know how to process it. So I just flee. My nervous
[00:57:04] system learned to run. I'm going to offer some language to you today for things that you've been carrying for a long time, but maybe you weren't able to name it. Today, you're going to be able
[00:57:17] to do that. Now, it doesn't mean that every single disagreement that you get into with your spouse or your partner is childhood trauma, but I would tell you a good chunk of it either is childhood
[00:57:29] trauma or patterns that you learn from dysfunction, even families. I was talking to somebody the other day. I was like, oh, I had a great family. I had this, I had that, I had this, everything. And I
[00:57:42] said, well, then why does your wife say this? When you engage in conflict, why do you shut down? Why do you back away? Why do you dumb yourself down? You know, there's a pattern. He
[00:57:58] learned this pattern. And I want to say to you that marriage does not create brokenness, but it will absolutely expose it. You hearing me? Because sometimes we look at our partner and we're like, you did this. This is
[00:58:19] your fault. You brought this reaction out of me. And what I want you to know is marriage is a mirror.
[00:58:28] It's going to reflect who you are. And the reason that God gave you your spouse is not so you could be happy. I know you think I got married to be happy. I just want to be happy.
[00:58:42] you will not find that anywhere in scripture God did not give you your spouse to make you happy he gave you your spouse to grow you the heck up so we could mature so we could be more like the Lord
[00:58:59] not so we could just be happy all the time and if you went into marriage thinking I just want to be happy you're going to have a difficult time because it's not like that all the time maybe
[00:59:16] the first week, the honeymoon phase. And then it's like, why is your stuff in my drawer?
[00:59:25] Do you have to come all the way over on my side of the bed? You know what I'm talking about? Do your socks really go there? It starts quick. I want you to hear it. Marriage doesn't make you
[00:59:39] angry. It reveals anger that was already there. Marriage doesn't create insecurity in you.
[00:59:47] It exposes and brings out the insecurity that was already present long before you met your spouse.
[00:59:55] Marriage doesn't make you controlling, but it will expose your need for control.
[01:00:03] Marriage doesn't create abandonment fears.
[01:00:05] It will expose them that were instituted and installed at a very young age.
[01:00:11] You see, the fight usually starts in me before it comes out of me.
[01:00:20] But we want to blame and say, this is your fault.
[01:00:23] You made me angry.
[01:00:26] Your spouse cannot make you angry.
[01:00:29] Nobody can make you angry without your approval.
[01:00:32] And I'm going to tell you some specific things as we get into this, what you really are seeing.
[01:00:41] because every meaningful relationship will experience conflict. You just have to decide, am I willing to do what it takes to be healthy, to walk through relationships? Again, I'm talking about spouses, but this is every relationship because you're going to see that you're going
[01:01:05] to butt up against other people when there are parts of you that aren't healthy and you're going to blame somebody else for why you feel the way you do. You made me feel that way. And you know
[01:01:19] what? It doesn't matter how the tone came across. It doesn't matter when it was said, how it was said. We choose our reaction. Did you know that you can love Jesus and still disagree? Did you
[01:01:36] know that? I think sometimes we forget the goal of healthy relationships is not conflict avoidance.
[01:01:46] The person that is across from you is not your enemy. The goal is to engage in conflict without destroying the connection. You hearing me? There's a connection we want to keep even when it feels
[01:02:07] like the 4th of July and there are fireworks going off. So let's talk about the rules of engagement. We're going to dive into this. The rules of engagement. When we are getting into, and if you want to make it Christianese and you don't want to call it fighting,
[01:02:22] you know, we can just call it intense fellowship. Intense fellowship. So when my husband and I engage in intense fellowship, there are things that we have to keep in mind. The first one, the first rule of engagement is attack the problem, not the person. Attack the problem,
[01:02:45] not the person. Because many times, man, when you feel yourself heating up, you think you're Rocky in that ring and you're about to take down Apollo Creed and you're going to give them a left hook, a right hook, man, you just go into fight mode. We go into this fight
[01:03:04] mode because we feel like we need to protect ourselves because you're now my opponent.
[01:03:08] I'm going to knock you out. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Don't look at me all holy, like you don't know. You know exactly what I'm talking about. And if we can remember, we are attacking the problem, not the person. Ephesians 6, 12 says, for our struggle is not
[01:03:30] against flesh and blood. And sometimes it feels like it is. Sometimes it's like you, Troy Maxwell, feel like the problem, but he's not. We attack the problem, not the person. You see, there's a difference. One says we have a problem. The other says you, you are the problem. You are the problem,
[01:04:02] Troy Maxwell. One addresses behavior, but the other attacks identity. And when we start attacking identity, we're guaranteeing that the fight escalates. So let me give you an example.
[01:04:24] Hey, when you said that, it really hurt. Versus you are so stinking selfish. I can't believe that you would say such a thing? One addresses behavior. The other attacks identity. Hey, when we were having a conversation the other day, I felt like I was dismissed. I don't feel like I was
[01:04:53] fully heard versus you only think of yourself. That's all you care about. You just think about you, you, you, and what you want. There's a big difference. You're hearing the difference there.
[01:05:09] Healthy conflict addresses what happened without assassinating the person.
[01:05:14] And sometimes when we're angry, we want to win the argument.
[01:05:19] And I would tell you, it's more important to win the person than the argument.
[01:05:24] If winning the argument costs you the relationship, you did not win.
[01:05:31] And when you get in an argument with your spouse, I want you to understand your spouse is not the bad guy.
[01:05:37] The pattern is the bad guy. Focus on the pattern. This has helped us immensely through the years.
[01:05:48] Immensely. Number two, rules of engagement. Stay in the room. Some of you, that may sound very easy.
[01:06:02] Some of you, it's going to be a huge challenge. Let me tell you about my husband and I, and the early days of our marriage.
[01:06:13] The first year we were married, and again, you've got two different attachment styles coming together, two different family histories coming together.
[01:06:21] And I remember us getting in an argument and he would get in the car, take his car keys and leave.
[01:06:32] And I'm like, what the heck?
[01:06:34] And it's not like a hot tracker back then, you know, where you could share your location.
[01:06:39] Shoot, there weren't even iPhones back then.
[01:06:41] We didn't have cell phones. So I didn't know what the heck he was doing, where he was going. If he was going to Taco Bell, if he was coming back, if he wasn't coming back, we would get in an argument
[01:06:52] and he would leave. And that happened a few times. Sometimes he'd be gone for 20 minutes.
[01:07:03] Sometimes he'd be gone for a couple hours and he would come back. And when he would be gone, my nervous system was a wreck because see, that was familiar. People leaving abandonment was familiar. So I didn't know what the heck he was doing. And I would brace myself anytime we would
[01:07:25] get into a disagreement because I thought he would flee. I didn't know what was going through his head. His head was, I don't know what to do in this situation. And I don't want to say something
[01:07:41] I'll regret. So I'll just escape. We didn't know to converse with each other and go to the deep issues. I was 20 years old when we got married and we didn't have this kind of teaching. We didn't
[01:07:55] grow up with this. I wished we had that, but we didn't. So we had to learn through lots of difficult scenarios. Now, one time he got ready to leave when we got into an argument and I looked
[01:08:12] at him and I said to him, you walk out that door and don't you come back? Because my nervous system had had just about enough. Now, I didn't truly mean it, but it was my way of trying to control
[01:08:29] the situation. Don't do this. It was a threat. And some of you have said things before. Now, one thing we did learn, we never used the D word. We never said, oh, do you want a divorce?
[01:08:44] Is that what you want? We never said that. That word has never been allowed in our house.
[01:08:50] It is like an awful four letter word that we would never use. But that first year of marriage was very difficult because neither one of us knew how to handle conflict well. Now, what I will tell
[01:09:06] you is my husband doesn't leave the house when he gets upset now. It went from that to then he would leave the room. He would still be in the house, but he would leave the room. He doesn't
[01:09:23] do that anymore. But what he still has to work on, and he will tell you this, is being in the room, but being fully engaged and fully connected. Because sometimes, oh, I see lots of elbows
[01:09:40] flying here. I see some people going, oh, he stays in the room, but he's not always fully present.
[01:09:48] He has to work to stay connected, work to stay engaged and fully grasping things at times, particularly if it goes on longer. Like his hard wiring, he has to really work at it.
[01:10:08] That's taken years for him to do that. But he's present. He shows up. And I used to say things, I didn't acknowledge, hey, he used to leave the house. He used to leave the room. Now he shows up
[01:10:22] and he's consistent in that. But you know what I wanted to find fault with? Yeah, you're there, but you're not even blinking. At least if you're going to act like you're here, blink a few times,
[01:10:34] right? You're zoning out. Y'all know what I'm talking about. Me saying, thank you. Thank you for staying connected and engaged and really leaning in. I appreciate that. And he will let me know when there are times he's like, hey, babe, I just want you to know, is it okay if we finish
[01:11:02] this tomorrow. I want you to know I'm not leaving you. I'm not abandoning you because he understands my core wound. I'm just letting you know that I want to fully engage. And is it okay if we come
[01:11:19] back? That is fine with me because he's letting me know his intention. And we're able to walk through that and process that out. I want you to know that most relationships aren't destroyed by one huge argument. They're destroyed by thousands of them that never happened. Conflict is not an
[01:11:45] enemy. I want you to hear that. There's actually breakthrough on the other side. See, the problem is, is in conflict. We want to be able to predict how the other person responds and we can't. But
[01:11:58] if your nervous system is fully healed, you go into conflict and you have no issues with it.
[01:12:04] but if you get pits in your stomach and all of that, I'm letting you know your nervous system has not fully healed, and God is all about healing.
[01:12:18] Conflict is literally a portal to intimacy, and if we learn to engage in it the right way, if we stay in the room, we stay engaged, and we stay present, our attachment style will not lead,
[01:12:34] but the Lord can lead in our relationship.
[01:12:37] So let me give you a quick breakdown on attachment style, just so you can follow a few things with me.
[01:12:43] Again, we did a deep teaching on this.
[01:12:46] I cannot stress to you enough as your pastor, learn this.
[01:12:52] Every relationship that you have hinges on this.
[01:12:57] Attachment style is simply the pattern that you have developed on how you connect and show up in relationships, how you engage and show up.
[01:13:05] the secure attached person will say internally in conflict, I know you love me.
[01:13:13] They stay connected and they stay fully engaged. They don't get that pit in their stomach. They don't shut down. They don't disengage. They don't run. They don't hide and they don't explode.
[01:13:28] When I see somebody in conflict, go zero to 60 and explode. What you're looking at is you're looking at a nervous system that has not healed. Okay. What I used to do when somebody would do
[01:13:41] that to me, I would match their energy. Somebody's exploding on me. I'll come right back. When you understand attachment styles, you do not do that. You realize that there is a wound in that person
[01:13:57] that is showing itself and you actually give grace for the five-year-old because you're dealing with a child when you see that. You're dealing with a little boy that was eight and his father walked out. Or you're dealing with a little girl who was five and was abused. Or you're dealing with a
[01:14:18] 10-year-old boy who never really understood or knew how to fully engage. You hearing me?
[01:14:26] That's what we're dealing with. So I want you to know as we process through these things, when you see that pop up, don't react. When your nervous system is healed, you will not.
[01:14:40] You won't be terrified of conflict. You'll walk into it confident. It has nothing to do with the other person's response. Because when you are secure in who you are, their response does not matter. You can keep your head about you. So next is the anxious. This would be my underlying
[01:15:05] attachment style. Now, I've been working hard on this to move towards secure, but I can feel this come up in me. And I have to acknowledge that. And then I have to learn to stay regulated.
[01:15:19] And I've been practicing that for years and years. So the anxious fears abandonment.
[01:15:27] when you pull away from me, I panic. You feel that internally. The dismissive avoidant, this would be Pastor Troy. And to be honest, a good chunk of men, a good chunk of men are dismissive avoidant. Why? Because they grew up, just put some dirt in it, suck it up. Don't know
[01:15:51] how to express or truly feel. They weren't allowed to. So I solve problems alone. I consistently need space. Give me my space. I shut down. Conflict overwhelms me. So I usually remove myself from it. I flee from it. I run from it. I shut myself down. The fearful avoidant. I want intimacy,
[01:16:17] but I'm terrified of intimacy. The fearful avoidant is a combination of the anxious and the dismissive avoidant. They do what's called the push pull. I will come close because I want that intimacy, but then I see you do something, and I get scared, and I run. I'll come close
[01:16:39] because I want that intimacy. Then I see you do something, and I flee. The push-pull, the back and forth. Anything but a secure attachment means that your nervous system has not yet learned to fully
[01:16:55] regulate itself. You're adapting from something when you were a child that you survived. Your marriage, hear me, will become unstoppable when your nervous system is regulated enough to tolerate honesty. I used to try and bring something to my husband and he would get defensive
[01:17:19] and buck up. Whenever you see somebody get defensive, they're protecting something.
[01:17:27] They're protecting something. And it's usually a good idea to try and figure out what they're protecting. Number three, rule of engagement. Curiosity beats accusation. Proverbs 18, 13 says the one who gives an answer before he listens, that is his folly and his shame. Aren't we so
[01:17:52] good at assigning motives to people sometimes? We can do that in our marriages. You did that because you don't respect me. You didn't call because you don't care. You just don't care.
[01:18:08] You see, sometimes we look at their behavior and we assign motive.
[01:18:19] And the Bible says it is not up to us to judge someone's heart.
[01:18:23] We can talk about the behavior, we can talk about the pattern, but we do not get to assign heart motive.
[01:18:31] I want you to hear this today because I hear husbands say, well, my wife, she just gets angry.
[01:18:39] Under every angry statement, there is a hurt.
[01:18:43] Anger is not a primary emotion, it's a secondary emotion.
[01:18:48] And when your wife is angry, what she's really trying to do is express a hurt.
[01:18:54] She's bringing you that thing or saying it in the way she said.
[01:19:01] Maybe her tone wasn't the greatest or her timing wasn't the greatest, but she's saying what she's saying because there's an underlying hurt and she's wanting to have that hurt addressed.
[01:19:12] and it might not be packaged the best way, but that's what she's trying to give to you.
[01:19:20] And what you may be hearing is criticism.
[01:19:24] Under every criticism is an unmet need.
[01:19:30] She's telling you those things because there's a need and she knows that you can help meet that need.
[01:19:38] She's not trying to belittle you or cut you down or not give you the respect that you deserve.
[01:19:46] What she's trying to do is say, I have this need and it's coming across messy and I'm just kind of throwing it out there and I'm not trying to attack you.
[01:19:56] But what I'm trying to let you know is there's a need and I want you to meet that need because I love you and you're the one that can meet that need.
[01:20:05] And she's bringing it to you and it could be really messy.
[01:20:08] wives what I want you to hear under every defensive reaction where you feel like he's bucking up and and he's just got the walls up and you're trying to say something and it's bouncing back all you ever do is criticize can I not do anything right when you hear defensiveness
[01:20:36] that reaction what you're really hearing there's a fear underneath that when you bring those things I'm not enough and whether we understand this or not and I don't care how manly your man is the root of every single man there is this this small feeling that he doesn't want to fail
[01:21:02] and when those things get brought up he can get defensive because he doesn't want to feel like a failure and sometimes your words he feels like he's failing you let him know hey babe we're
[01:21:18] going to attack the issue here. We're not going to attack each other. And I would encourage you, don't write a story about your spouse when you can simply ask them a question. Instead of saying,
[01:21:34] why don't you care about me? Try saying, hey, help me understand what's happening right now inside of you. Because when my husband would get defensive, I'd want to go, you're so defensive.
[01:21:46] why are you being defensive right now but when I stop and my attachment style is not being hit and I'm in a secure place I can say hey babe how did you hear that tell me what you're thinking
[01:22:02] tell me when I said that how did that land on you well you said I'm not doing enough or you said and actually that wasn't what I was saying at all it's what he heard and if I'm trying to fight the
[01:22:18] 57-year-old Troy without realizing that I'm talking to the seven or eight-year-old, we're going to get in the ring and we're going to go a few rounds. When I'm in a healthy space, I can look at what's happening and I'm not reacting or responding. I'm not feeling like
[01:22:43] he's going to leave. Oh my God, he's going to leave. He's going to leave. Because the truth of the matter, even if he still walked out the door, which thank God he doesn't do that,
[01:22:53] My nervous system doesn't have to respond to that when I'm rooted in who God says I am.
[01:23:03] Curiosity creates conversation.
[01:23:06] Accusation feels more like a courtroom and less like a bridge.
[01:23:13] Rules of engagement number four.
[01:23:16] We need to fight the pattern, not the person.
[01:23:21] Fight the pattern.
[01:23:24] You didn't just marry your spouse.
[01:23:26] you married a family system. Some homes yell, some homes shut down, some would go into manipulating, some ignored everything. Everything went under the proverbial rug. Some would punish your vulnerability. Then you get married and you think your spouse understands the rule book that you
[01:23:47] grew up with and the system, the nervous system that you now operate in. And that's just not reality. And just because your family operated in that particular way doesn't mean it's healthy or biblical. And they could be parents that love God, God fearing, but it doesn't mean that they
[01:24:14] learned the correct patterns that we want to establish in our life. The price of intimacy is conflict. Conflict is a good thing. Understand that. Don't fear conflict. When your nervous system is intact, conflict is simply two people bringing their issues, sitting down and talking
[01:24:40] about them and how the other person responds is not on you. God will not hold you responsible for that. He will hold you responsible for dealing with you. And instead of looking at conflict as something to be feared, why don't we look at it as something to be revered? At work, at home,
[01:25:09] in family relationships. Proverbs 12, 18 says, the wounds of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. It's for healing. And emotional safety in your marriage isn't that you never disagree. It's knowing that disagreement won't threaten the security
[01:25:32] of the relationship. That's important. A healthy relationship makes room for people to be honest without fearing what that honesty will cost you. There are times in my marriage where I didn't want to say things to my husband because I knew the reaction. That's not on me. His reaction doesn't
[01:26:01] mean I adapt and cope to an unhealthy system because of his reaction. That's how bad patterns start is I don't want him to get defensive. So I'm just not going to say anything and I stuff it
[01:26:19] and then I'm mad and it's sitting in there and it's going to eventually come out and we build this whole unhealthy coping mechanism around patterns that are dysfunctional because we're afraid to say what needs to be said because we're so focused on their reaction and we do that at
[01:26:42] work. I don't want to say that to that person or to the boss because of their reaction. God will not hold you responsible for that. If you do what's healthy, God will hold you responsible
[01:26:56] for knowing to do better and choosing not to because of their dysfunctional system.
[01:27:05] You hearing the difference there? An emotionally intelligent adult can communicate even when they are hurt, when they are angry, when they are grieving, when they are disappointed, when they feel a little fiery, an emotionally healthy adult can still engage in healthy conflict.
[01:27:26] And you will know when you feel your trigger coming up. You'll know it. You'll feel it. You can feel it rise. And you can know when your eight-year-old is talking to their 10-year-old instead of two grown adults. You know when that eight-year-old is coming out because you can feel
[01:27:48] it. You're going, man, I'm getting heated. I'm getting, when you start going up or when you start shutting down, that is not the 54 year old you or the 27 year old you or the 31 year old you
[01:28:00] that's the five-year-old you that learned to cope. And we want to heal that. Here's the last one.
[01:28:11] Rules of engagement, repair quickly, repair quickly. James 1 19 says, understand this, my dear brothers and sisters, you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. So instead of saying you always, and you never, because we're waiting to talk instead of
[01:28:33] actually listening and engaging, say, hey, help me understand. If you see them shut down or you see them start to rise, go, hey, help me understand. What did you just hear? Well, you just said I'm not
[01:28:51] doing a good job. No, no, that's not what I was saying. Let me say it again and tell me if you can understand and begin to go underneath. Because when you have a wound, you're going to
[01:29:08] filter everything through that wound. What made you feel that way? Hey, tell me. I noticed I felt like a wall went up. When I just said that, what did you hear? And that helps to diffuse
[01:29:25] and disengage things. Ephesians 4, 26 says, do not sin by letting anger control you.
[01:29:35] Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Don't let things fester because Pastor Troy has the dismissive, the avoidant pattern, and I have the anxious, and we know that we, we have to make sure we repair quickly because I'll start running. And this is the anxious
[01:29:57] tendency is you'll start going through things in your mind. And if he's late coming home from somewhere, it's like, oh, is he a ditch? What happened? Oh my gosh, where is he? What? That's where my brain used to go. And then for him, when things would get spicy, he just shut down. I don't
[01:30:14] want to deal with this. It's ridiculous. And he could literally, we could have an argument. He would put his head on the pillow and he is snoring and twitching in like 30 seconds. And I'm like,
[01:30:24] how the heck? Cause I'm up all night and I'm anxious and I'm worried and I'm upset. And he's I could never understand that until I understood this. So let me do this. Let me close out by this.
[01:30:45] I want to give you a realistic time frame for growth. Now this is according to brain science because your brain has to be rewired in certain things. That's the thing that's so great about our brains. It's the way that God made them. Our brains are plastic. It allows us to be able to
[01:31:05] restructure and adjust. You aren't stuck the way that you are unless you choose to be.
[01:31:11] so let me give you some realistic time frames for growth and this is based on brain science and you say well why are we talking about science in church well because god is actually the one
[01:31:23] that created your body and science is just now catching up to what god already did and established the bible calls it something different it calls it renewing your mind so if you have childhood wounds
[01:31:41] that need to be healed. Science would say one to three years, it will take your brain to change that pattern. Changing your conflict style. Your brain would say six to 12 months.
[01:31:59] Breaking avoidant and anxious tendencies. 12 to 24 months. Again, this is not, you know, periodically happenstance. This is a continual working on it. Learning active listening habits.
[01:32:15] two to three months this is a big one rebuilding trust after betrayal three to five years and betrayal isn't just infidelity it could be um anything that has caused a breach of trust in the marriage your brain is looking for safety and it has to be rewired and trust can be
[01:32:45] established, building emotional intimacy in your marriage when there's been a disconnect three to six months. And I just want you to know you can't shame someone into healing. They have to want it.
[01:33:03] You have to want to heal. And what I've noticed is hurt people hurt people, wounded people wound people, and healed people heal people. Would you stand on your feet with me today? You may have
[01:33:25] come in the room today, you may have thought, you know what? I know what my problem is. I just need a new spouse. What I would like to submit to you is that you need healing from your wounds,
[01:33:40] from old patterns, from things that are keeping you stuck in a cycle. And what I want you to know, wounds on his body so he could take your wounds. God is not interested in fixing your marriage.
[01:34:00] you hear me he's not interested in fixing your marriage he's interested in fixing you and when he fixes you your marriage is a byproduct of that but in order to do that we've got to be
[01:34:19] honest about where we are and I just want to ask you this today would you just bow your head would you close your eyes just right where you are in this moment we know that God can do the
[01:34:34] impossible. And I know some of you, it may look impossible, the things that you're walking through. But if we truly can allow God to come in and be first in our marriage, in our life
[01:34:49] and restore and heal the broken places, I believe you're going to have a new beginning.
[01:34:58] I just want to ask you this, whether you're online, whether you're here in this room, our God is more than able but the question that I want to ask you is are you willing are you willing to have a fresh start in your walk with the Lord today no matter what it is
[01:35:20] you're going through you know there's areas he has not been put first and if you would acknowledge that today I want you just to take your hand and put it over your heart take your hand right now
[01:35:33] Put it over your heart. Say, man, I want a fresh start. I want a new beginning. Just take it.
[01:35:39] Put it over your heart because he's here in our midst right now. He's here today and he's more than able. He's exceedingly abundantly can do above all that you ask, hope, think, or imagine.
[01:35:57] But we just got to give him access. Will you bring your walls down today?
[01:36:04] will you give him access? I know that your earthly father might not have been there, but your heavenly father is here right now and he's asking for access. I feel like there's a few people still need to put their hand over their heart and just let them have access.
[01:36:22] Let them have access. Let's say this together. Say heavenly father, we give you access today to our heart. We want a fresh start, a new revelation, a new just beginning, a new relationship because God, we know that relationship takes precedence over every other relationship.
[01:36:52] Come right now. Be with us, Jesus. We receive your shed blood. We receive your forgiveness.
[01:37:02] in Jesus name and amen

[01:37:10] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]
[01:37:10] amen amen aren't you glad God heals and restores and resurrects things that were once dead I mean that's the power that God has so what a great message what a great reminder that he is the one who heals
[01:37:25] and we just have to do the work we have to step out in faith and do the work that it takes so if you put your hand in your heart today if you received Jesus for the very first
[01:37:34] time congratulations best decision you ever make in eternity and we want to celebrate with you we have a free gift we'd love to get in your hands if it's the first time with us uh we're also want to invite you to stop by guest central
[01:37:47] we'd like to get to know you a little bit more tell you a bit more about freedom house what's happening here and it's something else coming up for the ladies too so for the ladies um if you'll

[01:37:54] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_07]
[01:37:54] just pull out your phone and tap the decal on the seat back in front of you we want you to go ahead and register for authentic and the reason is is because millicent cedra isn't just a local pastor
[01:38:04] in Australia. She's a global influencer. So with that, we'll have a lot of people coming that don't even come to Freedom House. So we want you to get your seat first. So go ahead and
[01:38:14] register for that. So that's all we have today, Freedom House. Enjoy your day. We'll see you next week.