How God Helps You Thrive After Divorce: A Journey of Grace and Identity

[00:00:41] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
Thank you.

[00:12:04] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
Are there any worshipers in the house this morning that can lift up the name of Jesus
[00:12:10] Oh, we're starting right away.
[00:12:12] Psalms 24, 8 verse 10.
[00:12:15] It says, Who is this King of glory?
[00:12:17] The Lord strong and mighty.
[00:12:19] The Lord mighty in battle.
[00:12:22] So lift up your heads.
[00:12:23] Rise up.
[00:12:26] Then this King of glory will come in.
[00:12:28] Who is this King of glory?
[00:12:31] The Lord of armies.
[00:12:34] He is this King of glory.
[00:12:35] Can somebody give the King of glory a shout of praise again?
[00:12:37] We want it.

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
Let's start right now, why would we wait?

[00:13:27] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
Bring the glory to this place, we just want to be here
[00:18:23] We're calling on you!
[00:18:40] King of Glory!
[00:18:41] Come on and fill this place all over the room!
[00:18:44] King of Glory!
[00:18:45] We need you right now!
[00:18:45] We're calling on you, King of Glory!
[00:18:56] I just want to be with you.
[00:19:12] That's all I want.

[00:19:19] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
I just want to be with you.

[00:19:20] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
There's nobody like the Lord.
[00:19:20] There's nobody, no way.
[00:19:21] Nobody, nobody, nobody, no way.

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
I just want to be with you Jesus.

[00:19:23] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
I want you to hold me in your arms Jesus You tell me everything's gonna be alright We love you Jesus Sing a glory fill this place Just wanna be with you Oh God Just wanna be with you Thank you Jesus

[00:20:25] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
Why would I be surprised when You deliver every time?
[00:20:38] On mountain tops You stay the same in the least.
[00:20:52] I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord I'm confident as seasons change your faithfulness

[00:21:29] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
You called me forth to prepare a place

[00:22:43] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
God of my past, God of my future You read my story, You hold it all together God of my past, God of my future You read my story, You hold it all together

[00:24:38] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
You hold it all together You hold my past and my future You hold it all together You hold my marriage and my family You hold it all together Everything, everything You hold it all together

[00:25:11] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
He's got the whole world In His hands He's got the whole world In His hands He's got the whole world In His hands He's got the whole world

[00:25:36] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
In His hands He's got the whole wide world In His hands He's got the whole wide world In His hands He's got the whole wide world
[00:26:49] Dios del presente y mi futuro mi historia escribes en ti todo consiste Dios del presente
[00:27:18] You hold it all together, yes You hold it all
[00:27:44] There's nothing too hard for you, you hold it all For what's impossible for man is possible for my God You hold it all You hold it, you hold it

[00:28:14] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]:
You hold our entire world in the palm of your hands.
[00:28:18] And your word says that surely your goodness and your mercy will follow me all the days of my life.
[00:28:31] It's only by your goodness, it's only by your grace, it's only by your mercy.
[00:28:39] God, speak to us.
[00:28:49] Our song is not enough to describe the greatness that we worship every Sunday when we come together.
[00:29:02] You are worthy to be praised.
[00:29:05] You are the Alpha and you are the Omega.
[00:29:09] You are the beginning and you are the end.
[00:29:13] We worship your name.

[00:29:22] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
You are here Moving in our midst I worship You

[00:30:07] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
I worship You You are here You're moving in my midst I worship You I worship You You are here You're working in this place I worship You

[00:30:35] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
We make a miracle worker Promise keeper Light in the darkness My God that is who You are We make a miracle worker Promise keeper Light in the darkness My God that is who You are
[00:31:05] You are here Touching everyone I worship You I worship You You are here Healing everyone I worship You I worship Jesus

[00:32:27] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
Let me be with you

[00:33:24] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
Come on, if you could lift your hands and sing this!
[00:33:35] Come on, TC!
[00:33:36] Come on, if there are two or three worshipers in this place, lift your voices!
[00:33:50] We pray for breakthrough.

[00:34:07] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
We pray for strongholds to be broken.
[00:34:08] Only in the name of Jesus.
[00:34:09] We never stop.
[00:34:09] We never stop.
[00:34:09] We never stop.

[00:34:56] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
Miracle worker, promise keeper My God Oh yes, oh yeah Way maker, miracle worker In case you forgot who he is
[00:35:27] He is Waymaker and He is Promise Keeper and He is Light in the Darkness.
[00:35:32] But let me let you in on who else.
[00:35:34] Isaiah says He's the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and He's Prince of Peace.
[00:35:40] In John he says he's the advocate and light of the world.
[00:35:43] Jeremiah calls him the comforter.
[00:35:46] Matthew calls him the friend of sinners.
[00:35:48] Timothy calls him our hope.
[00:35:50] Peter says he's the good shepherd.
[00:35:53] I know him to be the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.
[00:36:06] He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider.
[00:36:07] He is Jehovah Nissi, reigns in victory.

[00:36:08] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
He's Jehovah Rapha, he's a healer.
[00:36:09] He's the great I Am.
[00:36:09] He's the Rock of our salvation.

[00:36:10] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
He's the Bright and Morning Star He's the King of Kings He's the Lord of Lords and every day we'll bow and every day we'll confess that He is
[00:36:51] We believe that that is who you are That is who you are And that is who you are That is who you are For that is who you are That is who you are And even when I don't see your work
[00:37:24] I choose to believe, I choose to believe That even when I don't see it, you're working Cause even when I don't feel it You never stop, you never stop, you never stop
[00:37:46] Come on, you never stop.
[00:37:48] You never stop, you never stop, baby.
[00:37:52] You never stop, you never stop, baby.
[00:37:55] You never stop, you never stop, baby.
[00:38:00] Oh, I could sing this forever.
[00:38:03] But it still won't be enough to describe your greatness.
[00:38:07] It still wouldn't be enough.

[00:38:11] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]:
To describe the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the Great I Am, the Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Jehovah Shalom, the Prince of Peace, the Jehovah Jireh, the One Who Provides.
[00:38:26] You're the rock of our salvation.
[00:38:30] We do this because we love you, we do this because we worship you.
[00:38:34] And even though all those things are great, we worship you because of who you are.
[00:38:39] not just because of what you can do so we give you our hearts we give you our minds we give you our souls we give you all that we have and we say i surrender it all i surrender it all we worship your name in this place and come on as tc could give one last shot of praise in this place come on

[00:39:11] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Amen.
[00:39:12] You may be seated.
[00:39:15] We trust that as we've begun our service, that as we've worshiped through music, to see what God can do in our lives.
[00:39:23] It's good to see you today.
[00:39:24] My name is Paul Allen.
[00:39:25] I'm one of the elder pastors here.
[00:39:27] And I want to say thank you for being here today.
[00:39:29] And to our first time guests, we want to give you a special thank you because we're glad that you decided to join us.
[00:39:35] And we trust that this service today is a gift to you.
[00:39:39] And if you are a first time guest, we want to ask you to take your worship guide.
[00:39:43] You'll notice there's a connection card on that.
[00:39:45] or there's a connection card in the seat back in front of you take some time to fill that out and then at the end of the service take it to the next steps area in the lobby and meet one of our team members and we have a special gift for you and that's a copy of Pastor Derwin's book and that's our way of saying thank you for being here with us today
[00:40:04] We also want to remind you as we go through this thriving series, what a wonderful series that helps us understand we don't have to strive, but we can thrive and flourish in what God wants to do.
[00:40:14] That if you come to one of the messages and you need prayer or care, we want to also remind you that you can go to the Next Steps area again, and our care team is there and they'll pray with you.
[00:40:25] They'll care for you and just walk with you through your journey.
[00:40:29] Also, we want to remind all of us that as the new year begins, that we have been praying and planning and now getting ready to do our new things that are happening this year.
[00:40:39] And one of those things is our growth track.
[00:40:42] And our growth track is a way that you can find out more about TC, find out more about yourself, and then find opportunities to serve.
[00:40:50] So we really encourage you that if you want to connect and be a part at the Next Steps area, sign up for our growth track that's starting in February.
[00:40:59] and another great way to connect is through our groups so if you're not yet in a group you can check it out again the next steps area what groups are going and you can sign up for a group or you can sign up to lead a group and we would encourage you to do that as well while we worship through music we worship through gathering we also get to worship through our generosity
[00:41:21] And I want to say thank you, Transformers, for your faithfulness in your giving.
[00:41:26] You know, our God is such a generous God that He loved us so much that He gave His first and His best through His Son.
[00:41:33] And that because of that, that each one of us can also give our first and our best through our generosity.
[00:41:39] And as we do that, not only do we see other lives transformed, but we see our own lives transformed as well.
[00:41:46] and I want to challenge you if you've not yet given or you're not making that step of faith I want to encourage you to do that that generosity is an act of obedience and an act of worship and it's always exciting to see what God does in our lives as we live out that generosity to others while we're continuing our thriving series so let's take a look right now

[00:42:40] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
Let us pray.

[00:42:48] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_01]:
Let's take a moment to welcome all of our guests at our Transmace Church locations, physically and online.
[00:42:53] Thank you so much for being with us.
[00:42:55] Let's give it up to the over 1,400 correctional facility partnerships, mighty men and incredible women.
[00:43:03] To the TC family, it is so, so good to see everybody.
[00:43:06] Welcome, welcome, welcome.
[00:43:08] This wasn't a part of my message, but I feel like in this cultural moment, I need to address some things that are really, really important.
[00:43:16] As the worship teams were singing about, you know, God and the world is in his hands and God is sovereign, please understand this.
[00:43:27] There are forces, particularly in our country, that want us to be divided and hate each other.
[00:43:33] So rule number one, if you're not a Christian, this doesn't apply to you, but if you follow Jesus,
[00:43:39] Hate and dislike of the other is not one of his commandments.
[00:43:42] I know the Bible pretty good and I haven't seen that one.
[00:43:48] So one of the best ways to create allegiance is to make somebody different than you the enemy and to blame them.
[00:44:00] Secondly, in the early 2000s, I worked for a very large media company, which I will not name.
[00:44:09] as a football analyst.
[00:44:11] And before the show, me and the other football player would have conversations about things that we're gonna discuss.
[00:44:17] And if we agreed, the producer would say, you can't agree because people like tension, people like debate, people like arguing.
[00:44:26] And I said, well, my integrity is not for sale, so I'm not gonna lie.
[00:44:31] So keep that in mind, regardless of whatever news you watch or whatever, probably could use less of it.
[00:44:38] But if it is always creating in you rage and fear of the other and anger of somebody else, that ain't Jesus.
[00:44:48] For God so loved some people.
[00:44:51] Is that what it says in John?
[00:44:55] For God so loved the world.
[00:44:56] And the world is filled with different kinds of people of different ethnicities and different cultures.
[00:45:00] And so if you follow Jesus, immediately, straight off the rip, we are people of love.
[00:45:06] I don't have to agree with you to love you.
[00:45:10] I can respect the image of God in you.
[00:45:12] I can give you dignity and honor without agreeing with you.
[00:45:16] But love demands being a disciple of Jesus.
[00:45:20] That's what he's called us to.
[00:45:21] So please be careful in this moment.
[00:45:25] And here's a challenge.
[00:45:28] We live in a society of supply and demand.
[00:45:31] If you are an entrepreneur, you don't start a business to sell stuff people don't want.
[00:45:38] The climate we got now is because of us.
[00:45:43] If there's not a demand, there won't be a supply.
[00:45:48] So be careful about what you're demanding because the market politicians will supply it.
[00:45:56] If you don't want what we got, don't ask for it.
[00:46:02] Just wanna invite you into that.
[00:46:04] Just wanna challenge you into that.
[00:46:06] In this culture of rage, don't let anybody steal your Christianity.
[00:46:12] Don't let anybody steal Jesus from you.
[00:46:18] So we're continuing our series, Thrive.
[00:46:21] And man, this is gonna be a hard one, man.
[00:46:24] I was crying basically all week as I was preparing.
[00:46:29] We're gonna talk about thriving after divorce.
[00:46:31] Beauty to brokenness, thrive after divorce.
[00:46:34] Man, divorce is just traumatic.
[00:46:37] If you've personally experienced it, you know.
[00:46:40] If you are the child of divorced parents, you know.
[00:46:47] One of the things, as God was continuing to transform Vicki, one of the things that she thought as a little girl, five years old, when her parents got a divorce, I wasn't worth staying for.
[00:46:59] Now, if you are a child and your parents got a divorce, please understand their sin has nothing to do with you.
[00:47:06] Let me say that again.
[00:47:07] Their sin has nothing to do with you, child.
[00:47:11] There's a story that's been written long before you got on the scene.
[00:47:16] Typically there are things in our past we don't deal with and eventually they deal with us.
[00:47:24] So don't take blame what some adults did.
[00:47:28] But maybe you've gone through a divorce.
[00:47:30] Maybe you've experienced that.
[00:47:31] You just need to know.
[00:47:33] that God is able to bring about thriving.
[00:47:38] Also, you may not be married, you may be single, wherever.
[00:47:41] This message is for all of us because ultimately, all I ever preach about is Jesus.
[00:47:46] I just use themes to run as fast as I can to Jesus.
[00:47:50] A little TED Talk can't change your life, but the resurrected Christ can change your life.
[00:47:55] And so I'm always running there.
[00:47:58] Now we're gonna learn some principles, but a principle does no good without the person of Christ empowering.
[00:48:04] So wherever you are, whatever you're going through, this message is for you, but I view this, this is an opportunity for us to heal personally, but also to be wounded healers, because frankly, most people we know have gone through a divorce, and they don't have to stay stuck in the pain.
[00:48:21] So how do we do this?
[00:48:23] On the count of three, let's say, get to work.
[00:48:25] One, two, three.
[00:48:27] Here we go, teenagers, young adults, four ways God helps you thrive after divorce.
[00:48:32] How does God help us thrive after divorce?
[00:48:34] Number one, number one is this, find freedom and forgiveness.
[00:48:37] Don't give the prison of bitterness room to grow.
[00:48:40] Find freedom and forgiveness.
[00:48:42] Don't give bitterness, which is a prison, room to grow.
[00:48:50] Please understand this, forgiveness
[00:48:53] is most often for you, not the person you forgive.
[00:49:00] A psychologist named Louis Smead from a long time ago said that when you forgive, someone gets set free from prison and that someone is you.
[00:49:08] C.S.
[00:49:08] Lewis said this, forgiveness is easy until you have to do it.
[00:49:13] No one's saying forgiveness is easy, but not forgiving is harder.
[00:49:17] And forgiveness is simply saying, I no longer give you the right to mentally torture me anymore.
[00:49:22] I no longer give you the right to control me anymore.
[00:49:24] I no longer give the pain you caused me to continue to cause me pain.
[00:49:30] Because if not, bitterness grows and bitterness becomes a prison.
[00:49:33] And you guys know, bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping that the person you're mad at dies.
[00:49:38] And in essence, we die and God wants to set us free.
[00:49:40] Now, I know what you're thinking.
[00:49:42] You're going, but pastor, you don't know what they did to me.
[00:49:45] You don't know the betrayal.
[00:49:46] You don't know the adultery.
[00:49:48] You don't know those things.
[00:49:49] You know what?
[00:49:49] I don't know.
[00:49:51] And if I did, I can't help you anyway.
[00:49:54] But I know the one who can.
[00:49:56] So let's talk about this.
[00:49:58] This is what forgiveness is not.
[00:50:02] Forgiveness is not pretending the pain didn't happen.
[00:50:09] That's not forgiveness.
[00:50:11] Some of you have gone through hell and back and it's been hard.
[00:50:15] So I want you to know, I feel your pain, I hear your pain, I see your pain, but your pain is not the end of you.
[00:50:22] What you thought was a period is simply a semicolon and God is gonna continue to write a new story.
[00:50:29] Forgiveness is not minimizing harm or calling evil no big deal.
[00:50:38] Now, narcissists, and there are many within followers of Jesus who are unhealthy, will use this, well, you're a Christian, you're supposed to forgive me.
[00:50:48] Well, you're a Christian, you're supposed to not choke me.
[00:50:51] Well, you're a Christian, you're supposed to forgive me.
[00:50:53] Well, you're a Christian, you're supposed to stop having affairs after the fifth time.
[00:50:58] So yeah, I can forgive you for sure, but that don't mean I gotta let you hurt me.
[00:51:03] I can forgive you, but that doesn't mean we gotta be near.
[00:51:06] I can love you from across the country.
[00:51:12] It's not minimizing what took place or minimizing what you did.
[00:51:18] God can only heal a true version of you and me.
[00:51:22] Forgiveness is not forgetting, excusing, or enabling destructive,
[00:51:28] Behavior.
[00:51:31] This is a big one here.
[00:51:33] This is a big one.
[00:51:35] So understand this, cultural context matters.
[00:51:38] So in Jesus' day, 2,000 years ago, first century Second Temple Jewish world, he's in a conversation with the Pharisees, Sadducees, and he basically says this.
[00:51:47] He says, Moses gave divorce for the hardness of heart
[00:51:51] of Man, okay?
[00:51:53] So God doesn't want divorce, but because of the hardness of heart of man, he granted divorce.
[00:51:58] Now understand the context for women.
[00:52:01] Women were basically cattle of men.
[00:52:05] When you read about the Pharisees, they could divorce their wives for anything.
[00:52:11] You make a bad meal, divorce.
[00:52:15] And in that culture, it wasn't like she could just go start a business, get a job.
[00:52:22] And so there was like a lot of protection.
[00:52:24] And even now in some forms of Christianity, it is misogynistic.
[00:52:29] Well, woman, you're supposed to forgive me.
[00:52:31] You're supposed to forget.
[00:52:32] Well, what's you supposed to do?
[00:52:34] You're supposed to love me.
[00:52:35] You're supposed to serve me.
[00:52:36] You're supposed to be holy.
[00:52:39] So it's just not one way.
[00:52:40] So what I'm saying is don't stay in an abusive relationship.
[00:52:43] That's not Christianity.
[00:52:45] Matter of fact, some of us don't wanna ruffle feathers, but you're getting suffocated by pillow feathers, spiritually, if you know what I'm saying.
[00:52:56] Forgiveness, teenagers, is not instant trust or automatic reconciliation.
[00:53:01] Forgiveness means, hey, listen, I get it, we're married, we're gonna work through it, but check this out, I forgive you, that's free, but reconciliation starts with repentance.
[00:53:11] I am sorry, and by the way, repentance ain't just saying, I'm sorry, it's going to therapy, it's going to counseling, it is working on the very things that caused you to get in a place where you are.
[00:53:23] I don't want to hear it.
[00:53:24] Well, I'm over it.
[00:53:25] No, no, no.
[00:53:26] You need discipleship.
[00:53:27] You need to talk about how you got to that place, how the porn addiction started, how the affair started, why it started.
[00:53:34] I forgive you.
[00:53:35] Repentance.
[00:53:35] God, I'm sorry to you first.
[00:53:37] I'm sorry to my spouse.
[00:53:38] Secondly, repair.
[00:53:40] You begin to repair.
[00:53:42] Then reconciliation.
[00:53:44] Forgiveness is free.
[00:53:45] Reconciliation costs something.
[00:53:48] I'm like Missouri.
[00:53:49] You need to show me.
[00:53:55] By the way, you'll get stronger healing, because if not, you'll stuff and stuff and stuff and just be roommates in the house, and when the kids leave, you get a divorce anyway.
[00:54:04] We don't have to do that.
[00:54:05] God has so much more for us.
[00:54:09] Boundaries are important.
[00:54:11] One of the things that I've learned about followers of Jesus over the last umpteen years of being a pastor and being a follower, we're terrible at boundaries.
[00:54:19] A boundary simply means this.
[00:54:21] I am putting guardrails in my life
[00:54:24] to protect me from your dysfunction.
[00:54:27] Let me say that again.
[00:54:28] I'm putting guardrails in my life to protect me from your dysfunction.
[00:54:33] It don't mean I don't love you, but it means I'm gonna steward my life for you not to emotionally or physically damage me.
[00:54:42] The urgency of your dysfunction is not mine.
[00:54:47] Many of us don't do that and we suffer in silence and we get dysfunctional.
[00:54:51] A boundary simply says, listen, I love you.
[00:54:54] Here are the behaviors that are not consistent with Christ.
[00:54:57] Here are the behaviors that are hurting me.
[00:55:01] And I love you too much, and I love me too much, and I love God too much for you to continue to do that.
[00:55:06] So we're going to put some boundaries in place.
[00:55:07] And if you don't respect my boundaries, we can't be in relationship.
[00:55:11] That's what adults do.
[00:55:13] That's what grown-ups do.
[00:55:14] That's what healthy people do.
[00:55:16] That's how you help people who are dysfunctional.
[00:55:19] You don't enable the dysfunction.
[00:55:21] You challenge it and you invite them to be able to grow.
[00:55:24] And at the root of that is forgiveness.
[00:55:32] Ephesians 4, 31 through 32.
[00:55:34] The Apostle Paul says this, let all bitterness.
[00:55:37] So that's that resentment.
[00:55:38] You stuff and you stuff and you stuff and you stuff.
[00:55:42] Anger, it starts to reel up.
[00:55:44] Wrath, it is on fire.
[00:55:46] You know, like in Montana where my wife is from, there's forest fires every summer.
[00:55:51] Something that starts as a little spark turns into thousands of acres being burned.
[00:55:56] Don't get burned like that.
[00:55:58] And here's what happens.
[00:56:00] is you don't have boundaries and you enable and then the person who's hurting you, you end up going off on them and then they gaslight you like, why are you yelling at me?
[00:56:13] Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander.
[00:56:17] There it is, shouting.
[00:56:18] Shouting starts with something that's being held down.
[00:56:22] You don't just wake up one day and shout, it is there.
[00:56:24] By the way, parents, do you yell at your kids?
[00:56:27] Do you talk to your pets better than your kids?
[00:56:30] Do you talk to your pets better than your spouse?
[00:56:32] Why are you yelling?
[00:56:33] Why are you so mad?
[00:56:35] The same mouth we praise Jesus with is the same mouth we cuss our kids out with and our spouses.
[00:56:42] Let's get to the realness of it.
[00:56:46] In essence, what's happening is the way you treat people is a mirror into your own soul.
[00:56:52] Well, you pastor, well, you know, I raised my voice because they made me do it.
[00:56:57] What are you, five?
[00:56:59] That's like what a five-year-old says.
[00:57:01] Well, he made me do it.
[00:57:03] If you a grown adult person, no one can make you shout, no one can make you lose your cool, unless you let them make you lose your cool, which in essence, they are your God.
[00:57:14] So no more shouting.
[00:57:15] We ain't gonna yell at our kids.
[00:57:17] We ain't gonna call people out of their names.
[00:57:19] We're gonna walk in the Holy Spirit's power.
[00:57:21] That's what we're gonna do.
[00:57:22] People like us do things like that.
[00:57:25] You can still be a disciplinarian.
[00:57:27] You can still be loving, but you don't have to demean or degrade your children or your spouse.
[00:57:33] That is demonic.
[00:57:34] The same tongue you praise God with is the same tongue you cussing people out with.
[00:57:45] Some of y'all are like, well, I don't... Love, you mean it!
[00:57:51] Hey guys, then slander.
[00:57:53] Slander is speaking to hurt.
[00:57:55] Be removed from you along with malice.
[00:57:57] Malice is actions that hurt.
[00:57:59] But notice where it starts.
[00:58:00] It simmers, it burns.
[00:58:02] We don't have to live there.
[00:58:03] God wants something for you, not from you.
[00:58:06] And be kind.
[00:58:08] Oh man, can we make kindness great again?
[00:58:11] I mean, we're talking about making stuff great again.
[00:58:13] Can we be kind?
[00:58:15] Good gracious.
[00:58:16] Man, sometimes I don't even be hungry and I just pull up to Chick-fil-A because they so kind.
[00:58:21] They're like, what'd you want, Mr. Gray?
[00:58:24] I don't want nothing.
[00:58:25] You're just so kind here.
[00:58:27] Can we all just be like Chick-fil-A and just, my pleasure.
[00:58:32] Thou shall not be a jerk and be angry.
[00:58:38] Kind and compassionate.
[00:58:40] Compassionate teenagers means to suffer with.
[00:58:42] So there's this idea within a marital context, within any context is you're so connected to people, you can suffer with them.
[00:58:47] So this is years ago.
[00:58:48] I think this is from this movie, Avatar.
[00:58:50] The first one long time ago when it was like earth shattering, but the main character who was talking to the dude who became an avatar through a machine, she was like, do you see me?
[00:59:00] He's like, yes, I see you.
[00:59:01] He's like, no, do you see me?
[00:59:04] This is what's happening.
[00:59:06] Do you see the intrinsic worth and value of every human being?
[00:59:13] Let's pause here.
[00:59:15] We treat things better than we do people.
[00:59:18] And things aren't made in the image of God, people are.
[00:59:21] Things are meant to be used, not loved.
[00:59:24] People are meant to be loved, not used, but we do the opposite.
[00:59:27] We use people and love things.
[00:59:30] Do you see me?
[00:59:32] Question, if Jesus Christ died for every human being on the earth, why do we not treat people as such?
[00:59:39] I don't have to agree with you to love you.
[00:59:44] Forgiving one another, here it is, just as God also forgave you in Christ.
[00:59:53] The key to us forgiving is the overwhelming, lavish love of God's forgiveness.
[01:00:01] The greater you meditate on God's forgiveness, the greater you appreciate God's forgiveness, the greater you think about God's forgiveness, the greater you experience God's forgiveness, the more forgiving you will be.
[01:00:15] An unforgiving Christian is an oxymoron.
[01:00:22] It's like saying jumbo shrimp.
[01:00:31] Do you think more about how you've been wronged or how Jesus forgave you for your wrongs?
[01:00:38] Because the more we think about how Jesus forgave us for our wrongs, we'll be more forgiving people.
[01:00:48] The second way God heals us so we can thrive after divorce is mourn honestly so you can heal deeply.
[01:00:55] Mourn honestly so you can heal deeply.
[01:00:57] Now understand this, mourning is different than self-pity.
[01:01:02] Mourning is different than self-pity.
[01:01:05] So the way I'm wired, so my background, lots of trauma,
[01:01:08] Nervous system lights up.
[01:01:09] Whenever something looks bad, I immediately go from zero to 60, not in three seconds, and 0.03.
[01:01:16] I'm worst possible case scenario because that's the way I grew up.
[01:01:21] I just grew up.
[01:01:21] So I have to remind myself, I'm safe.
[01:01:24] I'm not there anymore.
[01:01:25] God, I trust you no matter what.
[01:01:27] So I'll have a few moments of self, oh man.
[01:01:31] But then, okay, I'm good.
[01:01:33] I'm safe.
[01:01:33] I'm good.
[01:01:34] The power of the Holy Spirit, I'm good.
[01:01:36] Breathe in grace.
[01:01:38] Breathe out the Father's love.
[01:01:40] Breathe in kindness.
[01:01:42] Breathe out the Holy Spirit's.
[01:01:43] You know, I have to train myself.
[01:01:45] I hope you do that as well instead of freak out.
[01:01:49] Now, it's occasional.
[01:01:49] We gonna freak out.
[01:01:50] I freak out.
[01:01:55] And remember, no self-pity.
[01:01:57] We can mourn.
[01:01:58] And here's the difference.
[01:02:00] Mourning names the loss without exaggeration or denial.
[01:02:05] It tells the truth about what happened and how it hurt.
[01:02:10] There is sadness and tears and even anger, but there's also movement.
[01:02:19] Mourning opens the heart to God and to others and to healing.
[01:02:26] It says, this hurts, but I'm bringing it to light.
[01:02:30] Self-pity says this,
[01:02:32] Self-pity centers on the pain endlessly.
[01:02:36] Self-pity loops the story without processing it.
[01:02:41] The focus suddenly shifts from this loss hurts to this defines me.
[01:02:49] Respectfully, some of you are in a self-pity loop.
[01:02:52] You're in a cul-de-sac.
[01:02:54] You ever talk to someone and they've gone through something really tragic?
[01:02:58] Something difficult and three years later they talking about the same thing and they still stuck.
[01:03:04] You don't want to be that person.
[01:03:06] You don't want to stay stuck.
[01:03:08] It's time to heal.
[01:03:10] You don't have to stay stuck.
[01:03:12] Lovingly, sometimes we stay stuck because it gives us a right to fail and a right to be mediocre and then we can blame somebody else.
[01:03:21] The moment that you take responsibility, you got to start living by faith because you can't blame anybody else.
[01:03:32] Instead of opening outward, self-pity closes inward.
[01:03:36] It rehearses injustice without surrender, pain without perspective, and sorrow without hope.
[01:03:44] So here's a simple way to tell the difference.
[01:03:46] Mourning says this hurt and I'm bringing it to God.
[01:03:50] Self-pity says this hurts and I'm staying right here.
[01:03:54] One leads to an open door and the other one leads to a dead end.
[01:03:59] Choose the door.
[01:04:01] And by the way, Jesus said, I am the door.
[01:04:04] You can walk into the light.
[01:04:07] Here's a verse I want you to memorize.
[01:04:09] We're all gonna need it.
[01:04:11] Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.
[01:04:14] The Greek word blessed is makros.
[01:04:16] Happy are those who mourn for they will be comforted.
[01:04:18] The Derwin Gray San Antonio translation is this.
[01:04:21] Happy are those who are sad and they bring their sadness to Jesus and his nail pierced hands will hold you and comfort you.
[01:04:29] There are some times where God just has to hold you and it be enough.
[01:04:38] How does God heal us?
[01:04:40] Number three, we learn to thrive by embrace your identity in Christ, not your marital status.
[01:04:52] Listen, I love my wife.
[01:04:54] I've known her since she's 18 years old.
[01:04:56] Man, we done been through some stuff.
[01:04:58] Man, we've seen, when you've been together 35 years, married 33 years, you've seen like several lifetimes.
[01:05:05] You have the lifetime when the kids are small, lifetime when the kids are middle school, lifetime when they're in high school,
[01:05:10] Lifetime when in college.
[01:05:12] Now I got one in Korea and one in Philadelphia.
[01:05:14] I'm like, what in the world?
[01:05:16] But there's all this stuff that's happening.
[01:05:18] Like, I love my wife.
[01:05:19] I cannot imagine being a second without her at my side.
[01:05:24] I adore her.
[01:05:25] I believe she's the greatest person on the face of the earth.
[01:05:29] She is absolutely incredible, but she's not Jesus.
[01:05:34] I'm gonna say that again.
[01:05:36] But she's not Jesus.
[01:05:38] As awesome as she is, she cannot meet my ultimate need.
[01:05:41] Only Jesus can meet my ultimate need, and only Jesus can meet her ultimate need.
[01:05:47] That's why we have learned to love imperfect people, because the perfect love of God
[01:05:51] gives us patience with one another, grace with one another, that we're on the same team with each other.
[01:05:57] So understand this, being married is not your identity.
[01:06:01] Your identity is a beloved child of God.
[01:06:04] Listen to this, your spouse may divorce you, but the father won't.
[01:06:09] Your spouse may abandon you, but Jesus will not.
[01:06:13] Your spouse may betray you, but God the Holy Spirit will always be faithful to you.
[01:06:20] Your primary identity is a beloved,
[01:06:24] Child of God through Jesus.
[01:06:27] Now you gotta understand, if you're not yet a follower of Christ in a generic sense, yes, you are a child of God, but the Father adopts you into his family when you express faith in Jesus, and it's different than generic terms.
[01:06:40] This is familiar terms.
[01:06:42] You become his offspring.
[01:06:44] Check this out, check this out.
[01:06:45] Let me get to the text.
[01:06:46] The text does a better job.
[01:06:48] This is Romans 8, 15 through 17.
[01:06:51] He's talking to the multi-ethnic churches in Rome and he says this, for you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear.
[01:07:00] Anybody got fear today?
[01:07:03] Instead, you receive the spirit of adoption.
[01:07:07] Let's pause here.
[01:07:08] In Paul's day, in the Greco-Roman world, your biological children, you could disinherit if they didn't act right.
[01:07:17] If you adopted a child in the Roman Empire, guess what?
[01:07:22] You could never be unadopted.
[01:07:25] You are forever and eternally adopted.
[01:07:28] belonging to that family.
[01:07:29] So when God the Father adopts you, you are his on a good day, you're his on a bad day, you are his every single day, and he is not letting you go.
[01:07:40] You may run, you may try to hide, he knows your favorite hiding places, he knows your mess, and he will be there to clean it up.
[01:07:48] Would you let him meet you in kindness and grace?
[01:07:51] There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ.
[01:07:53] You may have blown it, you may have had affairs, you may have absolutely blown it,
[01:07:57] Can't do nothing about the past, but God can.
[01:07:59] Today is the day that you say, Father, I want you to be my dad, and I trust you.
[01:08:09] By whom we cry, Abba, Father.
[01:08:11] Jesus spoke Aramaic, and this word Abba is daddy.
[01:08:16] Father, the Spirit himself testifies together with our spirit that we are God's children.
[01:08:22] And if children also heirs and heirs of God co-heirs with Christ, and indeed we suffer with him so that we might also be glorified with him.
[01:08:30] There's this reality that there is some suffering and there's a kinship with Jesus, but we are children of God.
[01:08:37] That's where we live from.
[01:08:39] Check this out.
[01:08:40] All of us live out of an identity.
[01:08:45] Every action you do flows out of who you think you are.
[01:08:53] Every one of them.
[01:08:56] Let me give you a silly illustration.
[01:08:58] So Vicki and I are watching the football games yesterday and they were really good.
[01:09:02] And we have a soft spot in our hearts for place kickers who come into the game at the end of the game.
[01:09:08] And if they make it, everybody loves them.
[01:09:10] If they miss it, everybody hates them.
[01:09:12] Now, nevermind all these dudes been playing for 59 minutes and then they come out in the last.
[01:09:17] And so we have a soft spot.
[01:09:20] And here's the deal.
[01:09:21] When I played in the NFL, here's something I never did in six years.
[01:09:24] I never went out at the end of the game to kick a field goal.
[01:09:28] You know why?
[01:09:30] Because my identity was free safety, not kicker.
[01:09:34] My identity determined what I did.
[01:09:38] If you don't know your identity, you're not gonna determine your function.
[01:09:43] Some of you are living in false identities and living false lives.
[01:09:48] And God has said, I want you to live as my beloved child.
[01:09:52] Draw life that I am your dad and nothing and no one can take that question.
[01:09:59] What could be greater than belonging to the Father?
[01:10:05] When you answer that question and the answer is nothing, your life will change.
[01:10:14] Let me give you an illustration and I'm going right to the point.
[01:10:18] When you realize you're a beloved child of God, when you realize Christ lives in you, it'll be hard to go, you know what, let me use God's hands, his eyes, and mind to get on pornography.
[01:10:29] Matter of fact, let me use God's body and God's mind to have an affair with my wife.
[01:10:34] You know what, let me use God's mind and God's body to cheat people at my job.
[01:10:38] Why do you think you're called the body of Christ?
[01:10:39] Just a song you can sing?
[01:10:41] Do you think we're merely entertaining you?
[01:10:44] It's so that when you leave here, you can go, wait a minute, I'm the body of Christ and as the body of Christ and as a beloved child of God, there's a certain way I speak, there's a certain way I talk.
[01:10:52] People like us do things like this because you know who you are.
[01:10:57] If you don't know who you are, the devil will tell you.
[01:11:01] And God is going, oh, precious one, I have something so much more for you.
[01:11:05] You are a beloved child of God, not your marital status.
[01:11:10] And if you've been wounded and you've been hurt, that wound and that hurt will be healed.
[01:11:16] You don't have to live there.
[01:11:20] Number four.
[01:11:23] Build healthy rhythms of spiritual growth.
[01:11:27] Build healthy rhythms of spiritual growth.
[01:11:30] I'm gonna share scripture with you, which was one of my favorites and still my favorite when I first discovered the Bible.
[01:11:36] For those of you that are new, I didn't grow up in church, and so people gave me Bibles, but I didn't have like my own Bible, right?
[01:11:44] And when I got my own Bible, that's one of the first verses I memorized, but do you know how I got my first Bible that I owned?
[01:11:50] I stole it.
[01:11:53] I stole the Bible.
[01:11:54] 1994, we're playing the Washington Redskins on an away trip.
[01:11:58] I was with the Colts.
[01:11:59] So we're staying at the Marriott and one of my teammates was like, yo man, we're about to have a Bible study.
[01:12:03] And I'm like, all right, I'll go.
[01:12:05] I need some good luck.
[01:12:07] And I didn't have a Bible though.
[01:12:09] So at the Marriott, they got Bibles by the bed.
[01:12:12] So it's a funny Bible called a Gideon's.
[01:12:14] I didn't know what it was, but I'm like, I'm a steal this Bible.
[01:12:18] So I took that Bible and y'all, I thought I stole it for about 10 years.
[01:12:23] I didn't know that Gideon's put them in there for free for you to take them.
[01:12:29] Your pastor was so not a Christian, I stole the word of God and didn't feel bad about it for 10 years, but then only realized they put it in there to take it for free.
[01:12:41] And now I'm preaching to you.
[01:12:44] Tell me God ain't amazing.
[01:12:48] I got it somewhere at the house.
[01:12:53] Here's this verse.
[01:12:55] God wanted to make known among the Gentiles, that means non-Jews, the glorious wealth of this mystery.
[01:13:02] Here it is.
[01:13:03] Which is Christ in you.
[01:13:06] Oh, man.
[01:13:08] Oh, wee, in the words of Johnny Gill.
[01:13:11] Ma, ma, ma.
[01:13:12] Ma, ma, ma, ma.
[01:13:15] Y'all, are you kidding me right now?
[01:13:16] I do this every week.
[01:13:17] Let me do it again.
[01:13:18] Christ in you.
[01:13:20] Oh man, you need to understand this.
[01:13:22] We ain't just Friday Christians where Jesus bled on us and we stayed dead.
[01:13:26] We Friday, Saturday, Sunday when he rose up and he rose up to live in you.
[01:13:31] Do you understand that Christ is in you?
[01:13:34] The one who walked on the Sea of Galilee.
[01:13:36] The one who healed the leper.
[01:13:38] The one who said, bring the little kids to me.
[01:13:40] The one who said, Peter, why you cut that man's ear off?
[01:13:43] Give it to me and put it back on his head.
[01:13:45] The one who went to the cross.
[01:13:46] The one who, oh my God, that's who lives in you.
[01:13:50] Hold on, hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[01:13:52] That's who lives in you.
[01:13:55] He wants to express himself through you.
[01:14:01] That which he forgives, he lives.
[01:14:06] That's where the power is to overcome the hope of glory.
[01:14:14] And what do we do?
[01:14:16] This shaped my preaching.
[01:14:18] I didn't know much, but back in 99, I'm like, well, that makes sense.
[01:14:21] We proclaim him.
[01:14:23] in case you don't know who that is, that'd be Jesus.
[01:14:26] We proclaim him warning and teaching everyone with all wisdom.
[01:14:29] Why?
[01:14:30] Here it is.
[01:14:30] So that we may present everyone mature in Christ.
[01:14:35] This is my number one job.
[01:14:40] Now, I can't make you live by faith though.
[01:14:43] I can preach my guts out, I can pray for you, but you gotta take it and live by faith.
[01:14:49] The word mature means to reflect the image of Christ, the character of Christ, the heart of Christ, the forgiveness of Christ, the truth of Christ, the mercy of Christ, the goodness of Christ.
[01:14:57] And Paul says, I labor for this, striving, watch this now, with His strength that works powerfully in me.
[01:15:10] And that's for you too.
[01:15:11] Christ is in you, Christ works through you.
[01:15:15] Some of you right now are struggling.
[01:15:17] Let me just say this.
[01:15:19] He's better and he's worth it.
[01:15:22] Whatever you're trying to hold on to, he's better and he's worth it.
[01:15:26] He's better and he's worth it.
[01:15:28] There are gonna be some things that he's gonna crucify out of your life that you didn't think you could live with.
[01:15:33] I remember years ago, I was preaching at a men's event.
[01:15:35] I was young in my faith, had no clue what I was doing, but Jesus and the blood was slinging everywhere.
[01:15:40] Men were confessing their porn addiction and one guy stood up and said, I'm angry with you.
[01:15:44] I was like, why?
[01:15:47] Because you told me I can't do porn, and I know what you're saying is right.
[01:15:53] And I'm like, well, what you gonna do?
[01:15:54] Jesus is better.
[01:15:56] So I don't know what your thing is, but Jesus is better.
[01:16:02] So we need rhythms of growth.
[01:16:05] So how are we gonna do it?
[01:16:06] This is what we're gonna do.
[01:16:07] This fancy diagram here is in essence what Jesus taught his disciples.
[01:16:12] The word disciple in the New Testament is used 269 times.
[01:16:15] The word Christian is used three times.
[01:16:17] 669 are three.
[01:16:19] Which one you think we should go by?
[01:16:20] Disciple.
[01:16:21] A disciple is a student of a rabbi.
[01:16:23] What are we learning?
[01:16:24] We're learning the ways of the kingdom with the cope of glory living in us.
[01:16:28] And what did Jesus teach his disciples?
[01:16:30] Number one, all of life is worship.
[01:16:31] They live from God's worship.
[01:16:33] Sunday we're here and throughout the week we worship whatever our hands touch.
[01:16:37] We connect in groups.
[01:16:38] Why do we connect in groups?
[01:16:39] For prayer, for studying the word, for challenge, encouragement.
[01:16:43] Question, who in your life will tell you the truth?
[01:16:46] Some of you surround yourself with yes-men and yes-women.
[01:16:49] Ooh, girl, you need to tell him what's on your mind.
[01:16:53] Yeah, I ain't gonna be divorced like you.
[01:16:54] How about, you know what?
[01:16:59] Why don't y'all go to counseling?
[01:17:02] You know what?
[01:17:03] Why don't you pray for him?
[01:17:06] You might find out that he's got some daddy wounds or maybe he was sexually abused.
[01:17:11] You might find out that the tough exterior might be a hurting little 12-year-old boy that he's never forgiven.
[01:17:19] I wonder if we actually start being kind to each other, what would happen?
[01:17:24] Instead of getting even, giving grace.
[01:17:31] Maybe your wife is the way she is because she's seen men abuse other men in her family and she don't want that to happen.
[01:17:38] Maybe she speaks strongly up for herself because she saw her mom silenced.
[01:17:44] But you don't know if you don't take time to get to love the person, to look past the pain and to see the person.
[01:17:51] Oh man, I'm sure glad Jesus looked past my pain to see me.
[01:17:58] So we wanna help you.
[01:18:00] Serve, give, invite.
[01:18:01] I don't have time for that, but these holy habits are mechanisms to help you grow.
[01:18:08] So Vicki and I, after all these years, she's let me be her personal trainer, and we go to the YMCA.
[01:18:15] YMCA.
[01:18:16] And we do what's called Derwin Fit.
[01:18:19] We don't do no CrossFit.
[01:18:21] 17 minutes, we in and out, baby.
[01:18:25] Derwin Fit.
[01:18:29] These holy habits God uses to get us in shape.
[01:18:33] We want you to sign up for our growth track.
[01:18:35] We are serious about helping you grow, and this is the best way for us to do it.
[01:18:39] Class one, you're gonna learn about who we are, why we are.
[01:18:43] Class two, I'm so excited about this.
[01:18:44] You're gonna discover what your gifts are.
[01:18:47] Class three, you're gonna go make a difference and learn to serve.
[01:18:50] If you talk to any psychologist, psychiatrist, person in recovery, one of the greatest ways to recover yourself is to serve other people.
[01:18:58] When you do something good for someone else, it heals you.
[01:19:02] It is medicine.
[01:19:03] for the Soul.
[01:19:07] All right, let's wrap this up.
[01:19:09] So Vicki and I got married at the Marriott.
[01:19:12] Man, me and Marriott, still in Bibles.
[01:19:15] We got married in the Marriott College.
[01:19:17] Our wedding was 800 bucks.
[01:19:19] But if you've been married, imagine this.
[01:19:22] Imagine you're at the altar and you're waiting, right?
[01:19:27] And no one shows up.
[01:19:30] Well, I've got good news.
[01:19:33] Jesus is there.
[01:19:35] And he doesn't get down on a knee and give you a ring.
[01:19:39] He climbs up on a cross and gives you some blood.
[01:19:45] And he says, I'll never leave you.
[01:19:47] I'll never forsake you.
[01:19:49] And when I rise again on the third day, I will be with you forever and ever and ever and ever.
[01:19:57] Let's pray.
[01:19:59] God of grace and mercy,
[01:20:03] Would you take the word that has been saying and the word that has been preached, and may it fall on our hearts that we would become gardens of grace, the weeds would be pulled up, and a bouquet of beautiful flowers would come forth, strong oaks.
[01:20:22] We can thrive after a divorce.
[01:20:26] Hey, right now, maybe as you've listened to this message, you're saying, hey, pastor,
[01:20:32] I want to follow Jesus.
[01:20:35] I want to give my life to Jesus.
[01:20:37] Hey, if you want to give your life to Jesus, you want to be assured that you are a part of His family, you belong to His Father, you can be assured.
[01:20:48] The Bible says if we confess, and confess is not just words, it's a heart language to God.
[01:20:52] Romans 10, 9, if you confess with your mouth and believe in your heart, you will be saved.
[01:21:00] Believe he rose on the third day.
[01:21:03] Jesus saves us from sin and death and brings us into his family.
[01:21:09] Hey, listen, today's your day.
[01:21:12] If that's you, I want you to say this to him.
[01:21:17] Put everything in you.
[01:21:19] Silence of your heart.
[01:21:21] Today, King Jesus, I confess with my mouth and I believe in my heart that on that cross, it should have been me, but it was you.
[01:21:28] You took my place because you loved me.
[01:21:30] You bled, you died to forgive me.
[01:21:32] And on the third day, you rose again to live in me.
[01:21:35] And I give you my allegiance.
[01:21:36] Thank you for saving me.
[01:21:39] In Christ's name, amen, amen, and amen.
[01:21:42] Let's give God a round of applause.
[01:21:47] All right, check this out.
[01:21:48] If you prayed with me, there's a connection card in the seat behind you.
[01:21:52] Please take time to let us know you prayed to receive Christ or you renewed your faith in Christ.
[01:21:57] Let us know so we can serve you, okay?
[01:22:01] Take time to do that.
[01:22:03] Here's our soul tattoo.
[01:22:05] By faith, live the four thriving practices.
[01:22:09] Listen to the sermon throughout the week.
[01:22:11] Study them in small groups, okay?
[01:22:13] Here's our action step.
[01:22:15] Take your next step in groups and growth track.
[01:22:19] We don't want something for you.
[01:22:21] We want something.
[01:22:22] We don't want something from you.
[01:22:23] We want something for you.
[01:22:26] I love you guys.
[01:22:27] Can you welcome our campus hosts?

[01:22:33] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Thank you, Pastor Derwin.
[01:22:35] What a great message.
[01:22:36] And I want to ask everybody to stand up.
[01:22:38] And it's time for our benediction.
[01:22:40] Our benediction is a good word.
[01:22:42] And our good word is our vision.
[01:22:43] And we say upward, inward, outward.
[01:22:46] Upward for loving God completely.
[01:22:48] Inward for loving ourselves correctly.
[01:22:51] And outward for loving our neighbors compassionately.
[01:22:53] I point at you.
[01:22:54] You point at me.
[01:22:55] And we say, Transformers, roll out.
[01:22:58] Why?
[01:22:58] Because this is just the...
[01:23:00] And now it's time to go play the game.
[01:23:03] And remember, when we play the game, it's Christ living through us.
[01:23:06] All right, on the count of three.
[01:23:08] One, two, three.
[01:23:10] Upward, inward, outward, Transformers, roll out.