From Surviving to Thriving: A Gospel-Centered Blueprint for Marriage

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
Church, how are we feeling today?
[00:00:02] Listen, if you came here looking for joy, if you came here looking for peace, Jesus, the Lamb of God, He is in the room.
[00:00:09] Amen.
[00:00:10] Can we worship Him?
[00:00:32] The God of heaven calls me His own He's not just seated upon the throne I know He's right here inside my home I've got a treasure here in my heart And in my weakness it won't depart I have a Savior who will abide He's not just with me
[00:01:02] Come on, can we sing?
[00:01:28] Come on, shout it out!
[00:01:44] In my heart and in my weakness it won't depart I have a Savior who will abide He's not just with me He comes

[00:02:56] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
I search the heavens high I search the earth below I search the heavens high No matter where I go
[00:03:25] Israel!

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
Israel!
[00:03:31] Israel!

[00:04:20] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
Jesus!

[00:04:29] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
Jesus!
[00:04:29] Jesus!
[00:04:29] Jesus!
[00:04:29] Jesus!

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
Oh your mercy never fazes me All my days I've been held in your hands From the moment that I wake up Until I lay my head I will sing

[00:06:18] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]:
And all my life you have been faithful And all my life you have been so, so good With every breath that I am able I will sing

[00:06:51] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
You have led me through the fire In darkest nights You are close like no other I know You Lord

[00:08:04] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
Let us pray.

[00:08:56] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]:
And all my life you have been faithful And all my life you have been so, so good With every breath that I am able I will sing of the goodness
[00:10:04] I will always sing the goodness of God Great is Your mercy toward me Your loving kindness
[00:10:32] I see your kindness toward me Your tender mercy I see

[00:11:10] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
The Lord needs you.
[00:11:41] I see day after day Forever faithful toward me You're always providing more Great is Your might
[00:12:08] See toward me Great is your grace Thank you Jesus
[00:12:57] The Lord is my shepherd He goes before me Defender behind me
[00:13:25] Filled with anointing My cuffs overflow
[00:14:11] He always guides us He always guides me Through mountains and valleys
[00:14:37] And it restores me, restores my soul
[00:16:17] your spirit is within me so i will walk in your peace your spirit is with come on

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]:
Your Spirit is within me, my victory, my victory

[00:18:24] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
Hallelujah, I am never alone Cause He's my comfort and He always holds me close
[00:18:49] if you're looking for peace this morning we say hallelujah you are not alone his joy is refreshing and he comforts our weary hearts we say he's my comfort he's my he always holds me
[00:19:22] You always hold me close
[00:19:28] I'm never alone no I'm never alone no I'm never alone I'm never alone Cause He's my comfort And He always He always holds me close He's our safety He's near to the brokenhearted He's closer than a brother We say Hallelujah Hallelujah
[00:20:04] He is my comfort, He always holds me close Your Spirit lives inside of me Your Spirit, Your Spirit lives within me So I will walk in Your peace

[00:20:35] [SPEAKER UNKNOWN]:
Come on we have victory in Christ!

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]:
Jesus we thank you this morning that the victory that we have in you allows us to walk in peace it allows us to walk in that very same victory we thank you that in moments that we're looking for peace
[00:21:08] In moments that we're looking for love, in moments that we're looking for acceptance, Jesus, we can look to you.
[00:21:18] We can look to the good, good father.
[00:21:20] We can look to the shepherd.
[00:21:22] We can look to the one who is our comfort, who is our safety, who is our all in all.
[00:21:28] We can look to the one who laid down his life to display the most beautiful act of love.
[00:21:35] we can look to the one who satisfies our soul and we can gaze upon the beauty of King Jesus we love you so much Lord and we thank you for who you are we love you so much we give you all the glory we give you all the honor and we give you all the praise in Jesus perfect matchless and holy holy name amen

[00:22:08] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_01]:
you may be seated isn't it great to start out the new year 2026 that as we worship through music we get to worship understanding god's character that he is always with us it's so good to see you here today my name is paul allen i'm one of the elder pastors here and i want to say thank you for joining us
[00:22:28] if you're a first-time guest we want to give a special thanks to you as well for joining us in this new year and what we would love for you to do is take some time and on your worship guide and in the seat back in front of you there's a connection card if you'd fill that out for us and then at the end of the service take it to the next steps area and lobby and we have a special gift for you and that's a copy of pastor derwin's book the good life and that's our way of saying thank you
[00:22:54] For everyone else, the Next Steps area is a great place to connect.
[00:22:58] If you have a care need or a prayer need as we go through this thriving series, you can connect with some of our folks back there.
[00:23:04] If you want to know more about Growth Track or our groups, you can go to our Next Steps area and connect with some of our folks there as well.
[00:23:10] So we encourage you to do that.
[00:23:13] And now is the time that we continue our worship through generosity.
[00:23:17] And here at TC, we believe that generosity is not only an act of worship, but it's an act of obedience.
[00:23:24] Because God gave His first and best to us, we can give our first and best to Him as well.
[00:23:30] And today, what we want to do is we want to celebrate several of you that in December, we had 637 first-time givers.
[00:23:40] Let's celebrate that for them.
[00:23:42] And we are so thankful for you joining those that give regularly.
[00:23:46] And I want to encourage you, as you begin this new year, if you've not taken that step of faith, of generosity, today's a good day to start that and see what God does in and through you as we live a generous life.
[00:24:00] There are several ways to give today.
[00:24:01] You can give online, you can give through our app, or you can give in one of the generosity boxes on your way out.
[00:24:06] Well, we're starting our new series, Thriving, so let's check it out.

[00:24:41] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Welcome to Transformation Church!
[00:24:57] Whether you are in the room, whether you're watching online at Indian Land or Lake Wylie, we are so glad that you are joining us for the kickoff of our Thriving Series.
[00:25:06] In addition, let's give a special welcome to our over 1,400 correctional facility partnerships.
[00:25:17] We are so glad you're here.

[00:25:19] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
Hello.
[00:25:22] Good to see y'all.
[00:25:23] I can see y'all online too at Lake Wiley.
[00:25:25] You guys look good.
[00:25:26] I'm just joking.
[00:25:28] But so thank y'all so much for being here.
[00:25:31] We're really excited about this thriving series.
[00:25:34] And can we give it up to Mrs. Gray for coming out and preaching?
[00:25:40] She's a fabulous communicator, but she likes to be behind the scenes.
[00:25:45] And so I got to give her like a three or four month notice to kind of
[00:25:50] You know what I'm saying?
[00:25:52] But, you know, we've known each other a long time.
[00:25:53] So I was 18 when we met.
[00:25:56] She was 19.
[00:25:57] And soon after that, we got married.
[00:26:02] I know right you're like man did they have photo did they have cameras back in those days like hey teenagers that was back in the days where you took a picture and then you took it to a place where they printed it for you it was wild so anyway so this is may 23rd 1992 we got married at the Marriott Hotel in Provo Utah
[00:26:25] Vicki borrowed this dress.
[00:26:27] I rented this tux.
[00:26:29] I think our wedding all together was about 800 bucks.
[00:26:33] And our honeymoon was we woke up the next day, I went to work out, and she went to work.
[00:26:39] And so, we were just in love, we got married, and what attracted me to her was not just her physical appearance, not just that she could throw the javelin, you know, if there's ever a battle, you know, she could, boom, kill somebody, but you know, but you know what I really, what I really dug is that she was organized, she was prepared,
[00:26:59] My very first credit card, she was like, let me help you establish credit.
[00:27:04] We're gonna go to the gas station.
[00:27:06] You get a credit card and you pay it every month and you establish credit.
[00:27:09] I'm like, what?
[00:27:11] She took me to this building on campus that had a lot of books in it.
[00:27:16] And then I thought I was on a date.
[00:27:20] So I was trying to talk to her and she was like, I'm studying.
[00:27:23] I'm like, what do you mean?
[00:27:25] She goes, we're in the library.
[00:27:26] I'm like, this is a library.
[00:27:28] I was wondering where it was on campus.
[00:27:30] I didn't know.
[00:27:31] And so my GPA, my first semester before I knew her was 1.41.
[00:27:36] My second semester was 2.15.
[00:27:38] Then it was 3.0 after that.
[00:27:42] So fellas, get you a woman that can help you how to do good in school.
[00:27:48] But here's something that these 21-year-olds didn't know.
[00:27:55] They wouldn't know on May 17, 2004 that she would get cancer.
[00:28:00] She wouldn't know all the football injuries I would have and the disappointments.
[00:28:06] How many of you know that when you get married, you marry your spouse's family too and all the baggage that comes with that?
[00:28:13] Some of y'all are like, Amen.
[00:28:14] Don't say it too loud.
[00:28:15] Don't say it too loud.
[00:28:17] Because that spouse right there with you.
[00:28:22] The difficult pregnancies where she had hyperemesis gravidarum for months and months and months, and two incredible children, but even parenting has its challenges and its beauties.
[00:28:33] And so what we're gonna share with you is not only 35 years of relationship, but 33 years of marriage, but then how Jesus took us from surviving to continuously learn how to thrive.

[00:28:48] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
So thriving then is living from the overflow of Christ's life in you, not striving to manufacture meaning, worth, or security on your own.
[00:29:00] Most people don't realize that the two people in that picture were not Christians.
[00:29:06] So we were married for five years before we even became Christians.
[00:29:10] God is good and so gracious to us, and we had a lot of unlearning to do.
[00:29:15] But so when we're talking about this message,
[00:29:18] This isn't the, hey, we need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, we need to get it together, we gotta make sure our outsides look good so people don't think bad about us.
[00:29:27] First of all, we're all a work in progress.
[00:29:31] Second of all, if we are operating out of what we can do and out of what we can manufacture and how we operate, it's going to fail.
[00:29:41] You wanna know why?
[00:29:42] Because if I strive to live out of my worth, what I've created, what happens when he criticizes me?
[00:29:52] I get defensive.

[00:29:53] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
But I criticize you nicely though, right?
[00:29:56] Yes, yes.
[00:29:56] Okay, I just want to make sure.
[00:29:57] But still.
[00:29:58] I don't want to sound like, Vicki, look at the problem over there.

[00:30:00] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
No, no, no, no, no.
[00:30:02] But we can get defensive, right?
[00:30:04] Because failure is not an option when we base our value on what we do.
[00:30:09] Conflict will threaten my worth.
[00:30:11] Criticism will crush me.
[00:30:13] And I'll be afraid that when he's silent, that means I'm abandoned.
[00:30:18] And then that brings up all these childhood wounds, right?
[00:30:21] And so we have to live out of Christ's life in us.
[00:30:25] If you've been coming to Transformation Church for any amount of time, you know we say upward, inward, outward all the time.
[00:30:31] It's part of our vision.
[00:30:32] Upward, we learn to love God completely because He first loved us.
[00:30:36] and when we do that it changes the way we see ourselves we learn to love ourselves correctly not incorrectly not pridefully but correctly meaning i can see myself the way god sees me then what happens is then the overflow then we love others compassionately so what what we want to overflow unto not just our spouses so it doesn't matter
[00:30:59] You want the overflow to other people to be love, grace and patience, but you can't give away what you don't possess.
[00:31:11] So if you don't receive it from God first, you are not going to be able to give that away.

[00:31:17] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
Amen so so how do we how do we and teenagers I'm gonna talk to you to you like well pastor I'm not married yet but one day you may you may know people who are married one day so so put this in your pocket this will help you not only in your marriage or dating but any relationship but specifically we're talking about how to
[00:31:33] to move from surviving to thriving.
[00:31:37] And before I dive into it, let's be honest.
[00:31:40] One of the things that I like about people that know that they're messed up, usually people who don't follow Christ, they know they're messed up, is they let you know they're messed up.
[00:31:51] The hardest people to help are people who follow Jesus because they don't want you to know they're messed up.
[00:31:57] And I'm like, why do you think Jesus died?
[00:31:59] Because you have it together?
[00:32:01] So some of you are pridefully hiding what could actually help you because you're concerned about what other people think about you.
[00:32:09] Can I let you know a little secret?
[00:32:11] They ain't thinking about you because they're too busy hiding themselves.
[00:32:15] And so we can come out of hiding and flock to God's grace because He already went to the cross.
[00:32:24] The work of the cross is not just for our past, it's for our present and future.
[00:32:29] And so this message is gonna require us to have some humility.
[00:32:34] So how do we move from surviving to thriving?
[00:32:37] Number one, a thriving marriage seeks Jesus first together.
[00:32:44] This may shock you, but like the first year of coming to Christ, it was hard for me to hold my wife's hand and pray.
[00:32:55] You'd be like, well, why?
[00:32:56] Well, because I had insecurities.
[00:32:58] So my past life said anybody who got close could abandon you.
[00:33:03] Guys, it wasn't until about six years ago that I would show up on Sunday going, whoa, they still coming, they ain't left yet.
[00:33:11] I hope you know that all of us have trauma and stuff, right?
[00:33:18] And so all of us have voices that we have to fight.
[00:33:21] And so seeking Jesus,
[00:33:24] Together.
[00:33:26] Now, we are a manly church.
[00:33:28] This is a man-friendly church.
[00:33:32] Men, I want to challenge you that you are leading the way.
[00:33:37] Now, leading is modeling.
[00:33:42] Leading is embodying.
[00:33:43] Leading ain't just talking.
[00:33:45] Leading is doing.
[00:33:48] And so, seeking Jesus together first
[00:33:52] Don't give your best energy to your job, they'll fire you.
[00:33:56] Let me say that again.
[00:33:56] Don't give your best energy to your job.
[00:34:01] When you say you don't have any energy for the kids and then the phone rings, all of a sudden you got energy.
[00:34:05] If you got more energy to gamble on football, you guys are godly, surely you don't waste your money gambling on football.
[00:34:19] Another sermon for another time.
[00:34:22] but your greatest energy, your greatest passion goes to your spouse first and then your children if you have them.
[00:34:28] So let's look at our foundational text in John chapter 10 verses 10 and 11.
[00:34:33] Jesus says this, a thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
[00:34:36] So you need to know right now that there are dark powers that want to destroy you, want to destroy your marriage.
[00:34:42] Why does the enemy want to destroy marriage?
[00:34:45] Because theologically in the Bible, in the beginning we see a marriage between Adam and Eve and at the end,
[00:34:51] In a new heaven and a new earth, we see a marriage between Jesus
[00:34:55] and His Church.
[00:34:56] Ephesians 5 says that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church.
[00:35:00] So the husband represents Jesus.
[00:35:02] Sacrificial, life-giving love.
[00:35:06] Verse 33 of Ephesians 5 says, Wives, see to it you respect your husband.
[00:35:11] We follow Jesus and respect Him because He loved us.
[00:35:15] So marriage is bigger than just this girl makes me happy, this guy makes me happy.
[00:35:20] That's why many of our marriages start off on the wrong foot.
[00:35:23] We're thinking a little person's gonna make us happy.
[00:35:25] You're going to wake up.
[00:35:27] Okay, so here's what takes place.
[00:35:29] When you fall in love, God literally gets us high.
[00:35:33] Chemicals, dopamine goes off in our brains.
[00:35:35] We're high for the first four years.
[00:35:38] Most divorces happen from four to seven because you ain't high no more.
[00:35:43] You wake up going, I had no idea she was so bossy.
[00:35:47] You wake up going, his breath stank.
[00:35:50] You're so annoying.
[00:35:54] But that's when you gotta learn to love.
[00:35:59] If God didn't get us high, none of us would ever get married.
[00:36:04] That's when we learn to love.
[00:36:05] And so there's an enemy that wants to destroy us.
[00:36:08] Jesus goes on to say, and I've come so that they may have life.
[00:36:11] This is the Greek word zoe, and it's God's kind of life.
[00:36:14] One of the mantras you hear at TC, and put this in your heart, is Jesus gave his life for you, to give his life to you, to live his life through you.
[00:36:23] That's resurrection life.
[00:36:25] And have it in abundance.
[00:36:27] That's overflowing.
[00:36:28] That's thriving.
[00:36:29] And how do we have access to this life?
[00:36:32] I'm the good shepherd.
[00:36:34] The Good Shepherd does what?
[00:36:35] Lays down his life for his sheep.
[00:36:38] Jesus laid down his life on the cross for you and I, his sheep, to not only be forgiven of sin, but to embrace this abundant life.
[00:36:49] So here's one of the first things that you can do.
[00:36:51] Number one, don't miss Sunday service.
[00:36:55] Do you miss work?
[00:36:57] Do you miss your kids going to school?
[00:36:59] Do you know statistics show that the average Christian attends Sunday service 1.9 times per month?
[00:37:04] So that's what I'm gonna start doing.
[00:37:05] I'm gonna start coming 1.9 times per month.
[00:37:08] Guys, this ain't a job, this is my family.
[00:37:12] So orchestrate, this is the huddle to prepare us for life.
[00:37:17] If everybody came at the same time, we'd have about six services.
[00:37:23] Now, we ain't gonna do sick service.
[00:37:24] We're gonna start another location.
[00:37:26] But if y'all wanna get us there, I ain't scared though.
[00:37:29] I just get in shape.
[00:37:34] Husbands, I want you leading the way.
[00:37:35] I want your kids to see you excited about worship.
[00:37:39] There's worship music in the house.
[00:37:41] Like, to see you leading, you're like, well, I don't know what to do.
[00:37:45] That's all right, just start.
[00:37:47] It's okay, boo-boo, just start.
[00:37:49] I was afraid to hold my wife's hand.
[00:37:51] God will meet you in His grace and mercy.

[00:37:55] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Yes.
[00:37:56] So Matthew 6.33 says, But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.
[00:38:06] And if you come to our house, so we moved into the house we live in now in 1999, and we actually put this in our driveway.
[00:38:15] And so one of the things that we want to do is we want to partner with you and in the thriving series that we're beginning today we're going to go through 40 days of prayer.
[00:38:34] and so if you're in the building either in Indian land or Lake Wylie you should have gotten this it's a prayer card with prayer prompts and discussion points and scripture you can also get it on the TC app so if you're watching online make sure you download the TC app and you can get it there so what we want to do is we want to help provide the environment
[00:38:58] For this type of flourishing to grow and so one of the things that we did when our kids were little and he was traveling and speaking and I was organizing things and life was chaotic is one day a week like usually it was Sunday night we would say okay let's sit down and have like a family meeting let's let's plan the week out and
[00:39:21] It was amazing at how much that helped bring unity in the home for us because it was our way of both saying, hey, this is what you have going on, this is what I have going on, this is what the kids have going on, but let's make sure we're putting first things first.
[00:39:37] Let's make sure the big rocks, right, not the pebbles, not the sand, not the water, the big rocks, what's most important goes first.
[00:39:45] You schedule that out.
[00:39:46] We have time for what we prioritize.

[00:39:50] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
Yeah and so I want to hit this really hard so 40 days of prayer so great idea one time a week get together talk about it discuss it some of you right now don't have issues you have a communication problem I don't know if you know this men but women have more words than we do and they spend them generously but a part of being an adult is you have conversation you communicate you communicate with your boss right
[00:40:21] So why wouldn't you communicate with the person who said that you said, until death do us part, I'll love you and all this other stuff, right?
[00:40:28] We made a covenant and a commitment, but a great way to start is this 40 days of prayer for all of us so that we all can be unified.
[00:40:38] So check this out.

[00:40:40] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
A marriage that seeks Jesus together stays strong forever.
[00:40:44] So remember this, the grass is greener where it's watered.
[00:40:49] So that means we have to take intentional steps.
[00:40:51] Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[00:40:51] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
I don't know if y'all picked up what she just threw down right there.
[00:40:54] Hold on, hold on, hold on.
[00:40:55] No, no, no, no, no.
[00:40:56] Uh-uh, I felt that.
[00:40:58] No, no.
[00:40:58] Some of you want a good marriage without putting fertilizer down.
[00:41:03] Some of you want a good marriage without watering that thing.
[00:41:06] Some of y'all want something, but you really don't want it because if you wanted it, then your actions would match your very words.
[00:41:13] So you gotta understand, we ain't up here having a little pep talk.
[00:41:16] We're trying to keep you out of divorce court.
[00:41:19] We're trying to help you honor and glorify God with this because frankly, I am tired of sitting with people who know the Bible up and down and they treat each other like trash and they cuss each other out and they cuss their kid
[00:41:33] The grace of God is available.
[00:41:41] This ain't a pep talk.
[00:41:42] This is a call to action.
[00:41:44] This is an invitation to be transformed.
[00:41:48] Also, hey mom and dad, your kids didn't ask to come into this world, so you need to follow Jesus.
[00:41:56] They're watching you.
[00:41:59] And the most important thing you can do dad is love their mama.
[00:42:04] Don't tell me about your job.
[00:42:06] Don't tell me about your career.
[00:42:08] We got 900 billionaires in America and it still sucks.
[00:42:15] I know what y'all laughing at.
[00:42:17] I'm serious.
[00:42:19] I'm tired of it.
[00:42:20] The grace of God is available.
[00:42:24] You know how many kids I've talked to who are working through their parents' junk?
[00:42:30] The goal ain't to sit up here and just hear a good talk.
[00:42:33] It's to receive it.
[00:42:34] It's to believe it.
[00:42:35] It's to move because God is inviting you into it.
[00:42:45] Like we up here messing around.
[00:42:51] Hey, that's who we are.
[00:42:53] If you want a good suburban feel-good message, this ain't it.
[00:42:57] Ain't got time for it.
[00:42:59] The world's literally burning around us.
[00:43:02] I see men losing marriages left and right.
[00:43:05] I just got off the phone the other day with a young married person, husband having an affair.
[00:43:10] It hurts!
[00:43:16] And you're like, well, I ain't got a word about it.
[00:43:17] Are you sure?
[00:43:19] Open up your husband's phone now.
[00:43:22] and see what's on it.
[00:43:23] If you start grabbing it fast, you got a problem.
[00:43:31] Oh, and open up hers too.
[00:43:35] Women, you have emotional affairs left and right.
[00:43:37] How do you think you have a physical affair?
[00:43:39] You think you just fall in somebody's bed one day?
[00:43:42] Oh, it's a nice compliment.
[00:43:43] Don't give me no compliment, I'm married.
[00:43:48] We're not playing around.
[00:43:50] Man, your kids are hurting.
[00:43:52] You know how much therapy they got to go through because of you and the decision you made?
[00:43:57] It's a serious business here and God is inviting you into it.
[00:44:00] He's laid down his life for you.
[00:44:04] A thriving marriage forgives often because love that lasts must learn how to let go.
[00:44:09] Ephesians 4, 31 through 32.
[00:44:13] I want to show you five moves of unholiness that happens.
[00:44:19] Paul writes this, let all bitterness, anger, and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you along with all malice.
[00:44:32] Let's pause here.
[00:44:33] Bitterness is you've let something continue to grow.
[00:44:37] Some of you, let me say this lovingly, are cowards.
[00:44:44] You don't want to confront the issue because your husband's too fragile.
[00:44:48] Husband, grow up.
[00:44:51] And so what happens is you don't want to confront the issue with her and so you get all this bitterness and it's inside of you.
[00:44:59] That's not peace, guys.
[00:45:03] That's walking on eggshells and it's terrible.
[00:45:06] Bitterness leads to anger.
[00:45:09] I'm mad.
[00:45:10] then wrath as it's boiling over then it leads to shouting some of you grew up in a home that's all you heard was shouting and guess what you do the same thing and you're passing it down to your kids and then they'll pass it down to their kids and then after shouting you get into slander in the greek slander means using words with intent to do
[00:45:35] You cuss each other out.
[00:45:37] You cuss the kids out.
[00:45:38] You're angry.
[00:45:39] You're using words to do harm.
[00:45:41] And then malice is an action to do harm.
[00:45:46] Now you got a window before you do that.
[00:45:48] Let me pause here.
[00:45:50] So we walk in this morning and my assistant asked Vicki, are you ready to preach?
[00:45:56] And then she looked at me like, I don't know what he gonna say.
[00:45:59] You don't have to get ready when you stay ready.
[00:46:03] Why am I going to get ready?
[00:46:04] I'm always ready.
[00:46:06] But not just for preaching, for life.
[00:46:10] You don't take care of the sin problem when it confronts you.
[00:46:15] You take care of it before you get there.
[00:46:17] So what do I mean?
[00:46:19] Live from a posture of God's overflowing forgiveness so that when conflict happens, instead of cussing, I can give blessing.
[00:46:28] Instead of giving anger, I can give grace.
[00:46:32] But don't wait till you get there.
[00:46:34] The Bible calls that walking in the spirit, by the way.
[00:46:36] So look what happens.
[00:46:38] and be kind and compassionate to one another.
[00:46:42] Why?
[00:46:42] Forgiving one another, how?
[00:46:44] Just as God also forgave you in Christ.
[00:46:48] Now, forgiveness means I let you off the hook.
[00:46:53] Reconciliation is different than forgiveness.
[00:46:57] Let me say this, respectfully, some of you have used that card to manipulate and hurt your spouse.
[00:47:04] Well, you're supposed to forgive me.
[00:47:06] Well, dude, it's like your fourth time I caught you watching porn and you're not getting any help.
[00:47:10] That's not repentance.
[00:47:11] Repentance is more than I'm sorry.
[00:47:13] Repentance is I'm sorry before God.
[00:47:16] Thank you for forgiveness and mercy.
[00:47:18] I'm sorry before you.
[00:47:20] Now I'm gonna repair what I've broken.
[00:47:23] Then comes reconciliation.
[00:47:26] I can forgive you, but you still gotta move out.
[00:47:30] If you're emotionally abusive, you continue to not change.
[00:47:33] You're physically abusive, love you, mean it, but you gots to go until you decide you want to get help and change.
[00:47:40] Repentance, I'm sorry God, sorry to you.
[00:47:44] Repair, I've worked on it.
[00:47:46] Reconciliation, now we can trust.
[00:47:48] Forgiveness is free.
[00:47:50] Reconciliation is a cost.
[00:47:54] You're showing that you're working and moving because some of you respectfully, some of you men, you keep saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and you keep doing the same thing over and over.
[00:48:03] It is time to grow up in Christ and walk in his grace and mercy.
[00:48:08] For some of you women, the same exact thing.

[00:48:12] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Yeah, yeah.
[00:48:14] So, you know, one of the things that you start to realize is you treat other people, I treat other people the way I think God treats me.
[00:48:25] The way I think God sees me.
[00:48:28] And so, because I come from a performance-based living, I found my value and my worth in what I did, what I looked like, what I achieved.
[00:48:41] And so,
[00:48:43] I intellectually when we came to faith in Christ I intellectually was like yeah God forgives me like yes that's incredible like I get that and so um because I tend to be a little hard-headed sometimes uh God's like I'm gonna make sure you learn this lesson and so
[00:48:59] We came to faith the last couple of years when he was in the NFL.
[00:49:04] And when he retired, we were like, God, what do you want us to do?
[00:49:08] And people, because our lives had changed, and his was such a drastic change from...
[00:49:15] Growing up in such a broken home, etc.
[00:49:19] Coming to the NFL, finding Jesus, his life is transformed, etc.
[00:49:23] People are like, oh, we want him to come speak.
[00:49:25] So people started calling and he would go speak.
[00:49:28] So we looked at each other and we're like, well, the phone keeps ringing.
[00:49:31] People keep asking you to come.
[00:49:32] Maybe this is what God wants us to do.
[00:49:34] So we started doing that.
[00:49:36] I started just organizing everything because, you know, I like to organize.
[00:49:40] And so I would set up speaking engagements.
[00:49:44] I worked on the calendar and everything.
[00:49:45] And one of the things that we had to do was we were building a website.
[00:49:48] So I do need to throw this caveat out there because this is probably about 25 or 26 years ago.
[00:49:56] and the tools that are available to you today were not available 25 years ago and so we were working on a website and sort of the way we operate and we've learned this over 30 plus years of marriage is he is much more of like the visionary and the idea person and then i'm much more like the integrator i'm like give it to me and i will make the magic happen that's just how we work together
[00:50:19] and so how this would work is he would log into this platform and he would put all the content in and then later I would log into the platform and I would do all the editing and I would wordsmith it and all the fun things right and so this was back before we had autosave so you probably know where I'm going with this
[00:50:45] So he had spent a day working on getting all the information in the website and the kids were young so I would get up around four or five in the morning and just knock it out while I could concentrate and one morning I'm just working away working away just happily merrily I go along right and I hit a button and I was like it's gone it's empty everything is gone
[00:51:10] and of course I tried all the tricks right and there was nothing it was just completely gone so at this point I'm like oh my gosh he's gonna be so upset with me oh my gosh what am I gonna do and I'm starting to just feel really anxious so I'm like okay when he wakes up the first thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna be like
[00:51:27] Just so you know, this happened.
[00:51:28] I'm really sorry.
[00:51:29] I'll make it better.
[00:51:31] And finally, about 6 a.m., I couldn't take it anymore.
[00:51:35] And I don't know if you grew up like I did, but I was raised with a wooden spoon.
[00:51:40] And if I got in trouble, it was, you go upstairs and I'll be up in a minute.
[00:51:44] And so in my mind, I'm sitting there going, the wooden spoon is
[00:52:18] That's okay.
[00:52:19] I didn't have anything to do today anyways.
[00:52:22] Knowing he had plenty he had to do.
[00:52:26] But let me tell you, the moral of this story is I was so convicted in a beautiful way that I wouldn't have responded that way.
[00:52:36] Because I was already in my mind rehearsing all the ways I was gonna beg for forgiveness and try to make it up to Him.
[00:52:43] I wouldn't have extended the same grace to Him.
[00:52:47] And so what I'm trying to tell you is when we realize how much God has forgiven us of,
[00:52:55] Then we want to give that away.
[00:52:56] And how dare we withhold that forgiveness when we recognize what God has forgiven us from.
[00:53:01] But sometimes it takes a knock on the head to make you realize that is not how I would have reacted.
[00:53:10] When you forgive like Jesus, your love grows deeper than your wounds.

[00:53:15] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
So, you know, when she tells that story, the one pervading thought
[00:53:23] In that moment is this.
[00:53:24] My wife is more important than a website.
[00:53:28] My wife is more important than work.
[00:53:30] My wife is more important than my kids.
[00:53:33] My wife is more important than you.
[00:53:35] The only person more important than my wife is Jesus.
[00:53:39] But because Jesus is more important, the way he treated me in forgiving me is the way I want to treat her.
[00:53:48] Some of you got some difficult, hard things to forgive through.
[00:53:53] That's life.
[00:53:55] It's challenging.
[00:53:56] We've forgiven each other a lot.
[00:53:58] But if you don't live from the fountain and the overflow of God's forgiveness, it's going to be impossible to do it.
[00:54:06] and you're gonna go through bitterness and rage and anger and slander and all that.
[00:54:11] Some of you need to go home and say, you know what, I'm sorry for the things I've said and I'm sorry for the things I did, but be sorry to God first because your wife can't judge you, your husband can't judge you.
[00:54:19] It starts upward first.
[00:54:21] It's not primarily horizontal.
[00:54:22] Every time you sin against a person, it's first and foremost against God.
[00:54:28] You don't have to do that.
[00:54:30] We don't have to do that.
[00:54:32] You know why?
[00:54:32] Here's why.

[00:54:36] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
How do you move from surviving to thriving in your marriage?
[00:54:38] This is our third point.
[00:54:40] A thriving marriage has each other's back.
[00:54:42] And I'm going to share an illustration of what not to do.
[00:54:46] So when he was in the NFL, we got to go on these free cruises and we were like, wow, we were like, we have died and gone to heaven.
[00:54:53] We had never experienced anything like that.
[00:54:55] And we're like, all on one boat, we could eat and everything.
[00:54:57] Like we just didn't know what to do.
[00:54:59] And so this was, he was still in the NFL.
[00:55:03] So he had like the physique of a,
[00:55:05] Hold on, hold on, hold on, y'all.

[00:55:07] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
I was so cut, I needed band-aids.
[00:55:10] I mean, I mean, I mean, I had an eight-pack.
[00:55:15] Now I just got a pack.
[00:55:18] I mean, but, and, yeah, I mean, we looked apart, though.

[00:55:21] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
And so, so we were in, like, great shape, et cetera.
[00:55:25] So anyways, we decided to go on this excursion, and it was one of those tandem kayak things where you get in it together.
[00:55:34] and we're standing in the line waiting to get in our kayak and you know when you're on vacation everybody's really friendly and they're like where are you from what do you do well everyone knew he was like an NFL player and then they're like oh and you threw the javelin oh my gosh oh and then they're like wow we're gonna be out here with these two they're gonna be like going circles around us etc and so and we're like yeah here we go you know everything we did is a competition
[00:55:56] Yeah, everything.
[00:55:58] And I mean, this wasn't a race.
[00:55:59] Did I say that part?
[00:56:00] This was not a race.
[00:56:01] But to us, we're like, oh, we're going to be out.
[00:56:03] We're going to pass the guide.
[00:56:05] We're going to beat everybody to that other shore.
[00:56:07] They're flabby.
[00:56:09] All out of shape.
[00:56:11] Bad build.
[00:56:15] God has a way of humbling you.
[00:56:16] And so we get in the kayak, and I'm in front, and he's in back.
[00:56:20] And we're starting to go.
[00:56:21] And before you know it, we're going in circles.

[00:56:24] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
And everybody's going a straight line.

[00:56:26] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Everybody just gone.
[00:56:27] And we're getting madder and madder.
[00:56:29] And I mean, like, we're not saying nice words.
[00:56:31] This is before Christ, okay?
[00:56:33] And so we're like cussing at each other.
[00:56:35] We're like trying to... And I'm like, put the R on the other side.
[00:56:37] And he's like, you got the R on the wrong side.
[00:56:39] And we're just like going in circles.
[00:56:41] In circles.
[00:56:41] Looking crazy.
[00:56:43] And so what we...
[00:56:45] Let's learn from that and this extrapolates to so many areas of our marriage right is that God didn't create us to compete with one another he created us to complete one another and when he was in the NFL that was so much of my journey was because I was used to being known for what I did and what I had accomplished and all of a sudden well who's that this is just his wife and I was like wait wait my values based on what I do and so who am I if
[00:57:12] I'm not known for what I do and so it caused me to subtly compete with him in ways that I didn't even realize I was competing instead of learning to celebrate the ways he's different and is better at things than me and vice versa so we make each other better together absolutely and and so God completes us in Christ but in a marriage setting we complete each other so there's a great philosopher named Rocky Balboa he's from Philadelphia

[00:57:43] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
and he was flirting with this woman named Adrian.
[00:57:46] He was like, Adrian, God takes a little bit of me and a little bit of you and he put us together and we won.
[00:57:52] So that's literally, so she has strengths that I don't have and I have strengths that she don't have.
[00:58:01] But early on, we were competing.
[00:58:05] Now here's what people didn't know and they would go, well, that's just his wife.
[00:58:08] They didn't know that when I was still in school, she had like four jobs.
[00:58:12] Oh, they didn't know all that.
[00:58:13] Don't worry about what they think.
[00:58:16] We worry about they too much instead of him not enough.
[00:58:19] Oh, y'all ain't picking up what I'm putting down.
[00:58:22] Worry about him more and what he says than what they think.
[00:58:25] And so now, learning that we complete each other and we celebrate each other.
[00:58:33] Hey wives, how do you talk to your husband?
[00:58:38] Would you want your future son-in-law or would you want your future daughter-in-law to talk to him the way you talk to his dad?
[00:58:51] Hey husbands, do you want your daughter's future husband to treat her the way you treat her mom?
[00:59:03] Have each other's back.
[00:59:05] You're like, well, but you don't know what they did.
[00:59:06] I don't know what they did, but I know what Jesus did.
[00:59:10] And I know what the Holy Spirit does.
[00:59:12] I do know this, the best coaches I played for were not the ones who beat me down, they were the ones who told me I could be.
[00:59:18] They told me what I could accomplish, and my job is to help you get there.
[00:59:22] Hey, husbands, when's the last time you asked your wife to pray for you?
[00:59:26] You're like, I don't want her to know that I'm weak.
[00:59:28] She already know.
[00:59:31] You ain't hiding from nobody.
[00:59:33] You're like, well, she may think less.
[00:59:34] No, she's actually going to think more of you because she's going to partner with you.
[00:59:40] When's the last time you had to say, babe, put your hands on me and pray over me?
[00:59:44] Build each other up.
[00:59:45] Talk each other up in public.
[00:59:48] Lift each other up.
[00:59:49] How do you do it?
[00:59:51] Well, we got to walk in the Spirit.
[00:59:54] This is like the classic text in the New Testament about being filled with God's Spirit.
[01:00:00] Do not be drunk with wine.
[01:00:01] Really quickly here, drinking is not a sin.
[01:00:04] Getting drunk is a sin.
[01:00:06] If you have people in your family that have alcohol issues with addiction and so forth, you probably should not drink.
[01:00:12] If you're under 21, don't drink.
[01:00:14] But listen, having wine or whatever, the issue is this.
[01:00:19] Here's the analogy.
[01:00:20] Don't be drunk with wine because that will ruin your life.
[01:00:23] God is filled with the Holy Spirit.
[01:00:28] And then he tells us how to be filled with the Spirit.
[01:00:31] Singing Psalms.
[01:00:32] Like he literally means the 150 Psalms in the Bible.
[01:00:35] In other words, wallpaper your mind with God's truth.
[01:00:39] And hymns and spiritual songs among yourself.
[01:00:42] Husbands and wives, talk to each other about the Word of God.
[01:00:46] One of the most powerful things that ever happened to us was one of the darkest nights of our life.
[01:00:51] Vicki got diagnosed with cancer.
[01:00:53] We're sitting in bed.
[01:00:55] We ain't saying nothing.
[01:00:57] Man, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bury my wife and raise two little kids.
[01:01:03] and we're sitting there crying and then literally, true story, she quotes a scripture, I quoted a scripture, she quotes a scripture, I quoted a scripture, and it was like we were playing scriptural tennis, boom, boom, and those tears of sadness turned into like tears of joy, promise you not, and the rest of that cancer journey, we had such peace.
[01:01:27] Here's why.
[01:01:28] Our focus and our attention was on Jesus.
[01:01:33] His mercy, His kindness, His goodness, His grace.
[01:01:37] The scene of the crime is your mind.
[01:01:39] What are you thinking about in the midst of arguing?
[01:01:41] Say, hey baby, let's pause and let's pray.
[01:01:45] I double dog dare you to do that.
[01:01:47] You won't get even, you'll give grace.
[01:01:49] You won't hold grudges, you'll hold grace.
[01:01:55] Making music to the Lord in your hearts.
[01:02:00] and give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
[01:02:04] And furthermore, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
[01:02:08] So let's pause here.
[01:02:10] Dependable what church you came from, you always hear, wives, submit to your husbands.
[01:02:14] That's four verses later, but right here it says, submit to one another.

[01:02:18] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Yes.

[01:02:20] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
You heard her, she's like, yes.

[01:02:21] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Yes, yes.

[01:02:27] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_02]:
Hey guys, I don't wanna marry a puppet or a robot.
[01:02:30] Vicki is brilliant and intelligent and wise and godly.
[01:02:35] I want to listen to her.
[01:02:36] I want to learn from her.
[01:02:39] I want to glean from her wisdom, glean from her life.
[01:02:42] We submit to one another to be the head of the family.
[01:02:47] That word head means source.
[01:02:48] It doesn't mean boss.
[01:02:49] And how do we know?
[01:02:50] Because Ephesians 5, 25, husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church.
[01:02:55] That means you lay down your rights, dude.
[01:02:59] You're not an ogre running around your house like you're a boss.
[01:03:02] You're the lead servant bleeding over her.
[01:03:05] I promise you this.
[01:03:07] A woman of goodwill will follow a man like that anywhere if he's leading and serving her by being sacrificial.
[01:03:14] And since I'm on this point, hey men, are you better at video games than praying with your wife?
[01:03:23] Are you better at fantasy football that you're betting on than playing?
[01:03:27] I mean, you guys aren't betting, right?
[01:03:30] That money could be going to the kingdom and you betting, getting a dopamine hit.
[01:03:34] Surely you're not doing that, right?
[01:03:37] Y'all laughing, I'm serious.
[01:03:38] You're gonna be held accountable for that.
[01:03:40] God, how do we submit to one another?
[01:03:48] You know what happens?
[01:03:49] Incredible wisdom takes place.
[01:03:52] Incredible wisdom takes place.
[01:03:56] So check this out.
[01:03:58] Thriving marriages are safe places, not war zones.
[01:04:03] They gospel each other.
[01:04:06] Something my wife taught me, this is really, really good.
[01:04:09] So write this down and we're gonna wrap this up.
[01:04:11] Ladies, if your man is tripping, translation, not walking in alignment with the heart of God.
[01:04:19] When he comes home, don't turn into a Chihuahua.
[01:04:37] God will humble him.
[01:04:40] God will bring him to his knees.
[01:04:43] Don't let some man, even your husband or your kids, steal your joy.
[01:04:48] Your joy is not in your husband or your wife.
[01:04:51] Your joy is in the joy of the Lord.
[01:04:54] And then you let God do what he needs to do in your spouse's life.
[01:04:59] It also means you can have conversations with conflict in a way that you gospel each other.
[01:05:07] You can actually argue in a way that you're encouraged.
[01:05:13] It can actually happen.
[01:05:15] Is it hard work?
[01:05:16] Yep.
[01:05:17] Is it worth it?
[01:05:18] Yep.
[01:05:19] Can the Holy Spirit do it?
[01:05:20] Yep.
[01:05:22] On that third one, y'all supposed to be like, yep.
[01:05:27] Well, in the words of yep, let's pray.
[01:05:30] Father, thank you so much for your grace and mercy.
[01:05:32] We pray that we would be a people that seek God together first.
[01:05:39] that forgive often and that back each other up we hold each other up all through the Good Shepherd who laid his life down for his sheep that's what we pray over our marriages that would be thriving to the glory and the goodness of God hey right now in this moment I believe that there are many of you who have never ever trusted Jesus with your life and let me ask you this if you say you have but your life has not changed
[01:06:10] It's time for you to authentically say, Jesus, I want you.
[01:06:15] I want to be forgiven.
[01:06:18] I want to be made new.
[01:06:19] I want your life in me.
[01:06:24] Hey, if you're ready to follow Jesus today, today's the moment.
[01:06:27] The Bible is very clear, Jesus.
[01:06:30] God died for you.
[01:06:31] He rose again and if you put your faith in him, he will rescue you from sin and death and evil.
[01:06:37] Would you receive his love today in the silence of your heart?
[01:06:40] Say this to him.
[01:06:41] Today, King Jesus, I bow my knee to you and I ask and I receive what you did on the cross.
[01:06:50] I turn from my sin.
[01:06:51] I repent and I turn to you for your blood to forgive me.
[01:06:55] You loved me and on the third day you rose again to now live in me and make me a part of your family.
[01:07:00] I give you my faith.
[01:07:02] I give you my life.
[01:07:04] In your name.
[01:07:05] Amen, amen, and amen.
[01:07:06] Let's give God a round of applause.
[01:07:11] All right, check this out.
[01:07:13] There's a connection card and a seat in front of you.
[01:07:15] If you pray to receive Christ, would you fill out that connection card and let us know that you pray to receive Christ.
[01:07:21] We're gonna get in contact with you.

[01:07:23] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]:
Yes, our soul tattoo, which means it's our big idea.
[01:07:27] Choose to thrive in marriage.
[01:07:29] It doesn't happen by default.
[01:07:30] We have to choose to trust the Lord to do this in us and through us.
[01:07:34] So what's our action step?
[01:07:36] Join us for the 40 days of prayer.
[01:07:38] You can grab your prayer card or download the TC app and join us for 40 days of prayer.
[01:07:45] Thank you all for being here and joining us online.
[01:07:48] Let's welcome our location host.

[01:07:56] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_01]:
Thank you so much, Pastor Derwin and Vicki.
[01:07:58] And as Vicki shared, this 40 days of prayer is great because each week it reemphasizes the truths that we learn here on Sunday.
[01:08:07] So make sure you do that.
[01:08:09] Well, now's the time to do our benediction.
[01:08:11] So I want to ask everybody to stand up.
[01:08:13] And for our guests, our benediction is a good word.
[01:08:15] And our good word is upward for loving God completely, inward for loving ourselves correctly, and outward for loving our neighbors compassionately.
[01:08:24] I point at you.
[01:08:25] You point at me, we say Transformers, roll out.
[01:08:28] Why?
[01:08:28] Because this is just the... And now it's time to go play the... All right, on the count of three.
[01:08:34] One, two, three.
[01:08:36] Upward, inward, outward, Transformers, roll out.