The Danger of Relational Repair Without Gospel Grace

• Marital Disconnection [00:39:03 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor discusses the prevalence of feeling disconnected in marriage, citing that 75% of couples experience it, and shares personal anecdotes about feeling distant from her husband during illness and busy seasons.
• Neglect and Distraction [00:43:50 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor argues that marriages are eroded by 'a thousand small moments' and 'little foxes' (small tolerated resentments) rather than big sins, using the Song of Solomon vineyard analogy.
• Complacency and Loss of Pursuit [00:47:01 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor explains that couples stop pursuing each other once they feel secure, referencing Revelation 2:4 to illustrate that love fades when pursuit fades, and addressing both men and women on the dangers of taking their spouse for granted.
• Unmet Emotional Needs [00:50:23 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor explores how childhood trauma and coping mechanisms prevent spouses from voicing their needs, using the 'spaghetti vs. waffles' analogy to describe gender differences in processing emotions.
• Childhood Trauma and Emotional Needs [00:50:37 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor explains how childhood experiences of unmet needs lead to coping mechanisms like not asking for help, and contrasts this with the marital call to heal and be whole.
• Gender Differences in Emotional Processing [00:51:17 ▶️ 📄]
  > Uses the analogy of women as 'spaghetti' (intermingled emotions) and men as 'waffles' (compartmentalized) to explain different wiring and stress responses.
• The Danger of Unrepaired Conflict [00:57:20 ▶️ 📄]
  > Explains that silence gives the devil 'real estate' (topos) in the home, leading to isolation and illegitimate filling of needs.
• Intentional Alignment vs. Proximity [01:01:26 ▶️ 📄]
  > Cites Amos 3:3 to argue that walking together requires intentional agreement and shared intent, not just physical coexistence or external religious prosperity.
• Marital Unity and Spiritual Power [01:04:41 ▶️ 📄]
  > Connects marital connection to spiritual authority and answered prayer, citing Ephesians 5 and Ecclesiastes 4:12 regarding the 'threefold cord'.
• Intentional Time and Scheduling [01:07:45 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor argues that when marriages disconnect, couples must return to intentional time, citing Jesus' example of stepping away to rest and advising couples to schedule regular dates or check-ins to remember their covenant.
• Emotional Safety and Trust [01:13:40 ▶️ 📄]
  > The speaker emphasizes that connection only grows where people feel safe, identifying emotional safety as the foundational layer of trust required for a healthy marriage, particularly noting women's need to feel safe to give men respect.
• Relational Repair vs. Conflict Avoidance [01:16:05 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor distinguishes between dismissive apologies ('I'm sorry' to shut down conflict) and true repair ('relational autopsy'), asserting that strong marriages are 'repair-rich' and that conflict is a portal to intimacy if handled correctly.
• Physical Touch and Intimacy [01:17:46 ▶️ 📄]
  > The sermon highlights touch as a biological need that releases oxytocin and heals detachment, urging couples to engage in physical affection like holding hands and kissing to maintain connection and protect the marriage.

• Sermon Illustration [00:40:54 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal story about getting shingles, being bedridden, and feeling disconnected from her husband who was working. She recounts telling him 'I miss you' as a bid for connection, which he initially missed, leading to a realization that he tends to withdraw when stressed.
• Sermon Illustration [00:38:16 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses the analogy of Valentine's Day conversation hearts to introduce the sermon series topic of 'Miss You' and the theme of connection.
• Sermon Illustration [00:44:46 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses the biblical analogy of 'little foxes' from Song of Solomon 2:15, explaining that foxes sneak through small breaks in the fence to eat the roots of the vine rather than the fruit, illustrating how small, tolerated resentments destroy marriages from the inside out while appearing fine on the outside.
• Sermon Illustration [00:51:17 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor uses the analogy of 'spaghetti' for women's intermingled emotions versus 'waffles' for men's compartmentalized emotions to explain differences in emotional processing and communication styles in marriage.
• Sermon Illustration [00:54:07 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal anecdote about her husband's 'two tap' method of apologizing, which she had to teach him was insufficient, and her own struggle with realizing he wasn't a mind reader.
• Sermon Illustration [00:58:12 ▶️ 📄]
  > Uses the analogy of an acorn growing into a massive oak tree to illustrate how small, unrepaired conflicts grow into large, complex problems that are harder to fix over time.
• Sermon Illustration [01:00:20 ▶️ 📄]
  > Shares a personal story about feeling 'unseen' and 'tucked in bed' while raising her hand for attention, and how her husband responded by bringing her breakfast and medication, highlighting different love languages.
• Sermon Illustration [01:01:48 ▶️ 📄]
  > References the biblical context of Israel in Amos, where the nation looked prosperous and religious on the outside but was spiritually disconnected from God.
• Sermon Illustration [01:16:32 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor shares a personal anecdote about her husband's recent shoulder surgery, where the doctor noted his rapid recovery was due to his overall health, using this as an analogy for how healthy marriages repair quickly from conflict.
• Sermon Illustration [01:11:12 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor describes her personal routine of weekly check-ins with her husband, detailing specific questions they ask each other ('How did we do?', 'What big things are coming up?', 'What do you need from me?') to maintain connection.
• Sermon Illustration [01:17:08 ▶️ 📄]
  > The pastor humorously recounts her husband's dismissive behavior of saying 'I'm sorry' repeatedly to avoid conflict, contrasting it with the need for deep, honest relational autopsy.

• Pastoral Charge [00:52:25 ▶️ 📄]
  > Ask spouse for a specific, limited amount of time (e.g., five minutes) to have an emotional conversation to prevent them from feeling trapped.
• Pastoral Charge [00:54:24 ▶️ 📄]
  > Explicitly communicate specific needs and define what a proper apology looks like to your spouse, rather than expecting them to guess.
• Pastoral Charge [01:00:29 ▶️ 📄]
  > If a spouse does not understand a raised hand or signal, verbally restate the feeling of being unheard instead of withdrawing in anger.
• Pastoral Charge [01:08:28 ▶️ 📄]
  > Take a vacation or weekend away from children to reconnect with your spouse.
• Pastoral Charge [01:22:19 ▶️ 📄]
  > The congregation is asked to stand up.
• Pastoral Charge [01:22:25 ▶️ 📄]
  > The congregation is asked to remain seated after standing.

[00:02:21] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:02:21] Good morning, Freedom House. Good morning, Freedom House. Welcome. It's so good to see you online because it's it's been a couple weeks

[00:02:28] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:02:28] It has it's been a couple weeks, but you know, I'm glad luckily the weather is well The weather kind of is very cold, but let's write stuff on the ground. By the way, my name is Michael Lott

[00:02:37] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:02:37] And you are? I'm Andrew. Andrew, and how can they continue to watch us and connect with us?

[00:02:42] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:02:42] So if you're watching us now, it's one of three ways either Freedomhouse.cc slash live. Okay, Facebook or YouTube. All right, awesome Yeah, and if you want to continue watching, keep doing one of those three.
[00:02:55] Do one of those three.
[00:02:56] If you're listening now, you're probably doing it right.

[00:02:58] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:02:58] And they can, like, give us a comment in the sub.
[00:03:01] In fact, we had someone just.
[00:03:03] I think.

[00:03:03] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:03:03] Yeah, we did.
[00:03:04] We actually have a segment.

[00:03:05] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:03:05] What do we got?

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:03:06] Called Subpar Jokes.

[00:03:08] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:03:08] Subpar Jokes.
[00:03:09] Oh, really?
[00:03:09] We're doing Subpar Jokes?
[00:03:10] Yeah, we are.
[00:03:11] Okay.
[00:03:12] All right.

[00:03:12] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:03:12] We always do.
[00:03:13] Well, I always do it.

[00:03:14] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:03:14] So what are they?
[00:03:15] You got them right here?

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:03:15] Subpart Jokes is from Najee, one of our loyal, loyal members of our online campus.

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]
[00:03:22] Yeah.

[00:03:22] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:03:22] So the joke is, what's a sea monster's favorite lunch?
[00:03:26] A sea monster's favorite lunch.
[00:03:29] Have no idea.
[00:03:31] Fish and chips.

[00:03:33] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:03:33] Fish and chips, of course.

[00:03:35] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:03:35] All right.
[00:03:35] And then number two.
[00:03:36] Yeah.
[00:03:37] What type of tree fits in your palm?
[00:03:39] Oh, fits in your hand.

[00:03:40] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:03:40] I guess a palm.
[00:03:42] A palm tree.
[00:03:43] Yeah, you gave it away.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:03:44] I did.
[00:03:44] I messed up a tiny bit on that one.

[00:03:46] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:03:46] Hey, no worries.
[00:03:47] Hey, well, so, you know, it's so good to be back again in the house because, like, you know, for the last couple weeks we've been out.
[00:03:52] We've had a couple weeks ago we had like an inch and a half of, I know, at my place of just sleep.
[00:03:58] Yeah.
[00:03:58] And then last weekend we had anywhere between 8 1⁄2 to 14 inches of snow in Charlotte.
[00:04:05] In fact, I think all of North Carolina, every county got covered in snow.
[00:04:10] But it was beautiful.
[00:04:11] It was awesome.
[00:04:12] I love the snow.
[00:04:13] You like the snow?
[00:04:13] see I'm a northern guy I grew up up north you know you don't close school unless it's more than six inches of snow you go out and you play in this stuff and that's what we used to do as
[00:04:24] kids so I love the snow is great time but it's good to be back here in the house today being a part of what God is doing yeah and well what's what's on everyone's mind today I know one of the
[00:04:34] things is what the Super Bowl Super Bowl right yeah you have a dog in the fight so to speak so

[00:04:40] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:04:40] I'm not my dog in the fight is horrible and it's the Carolina Panthers But the dog that I'm rooting for in this fight is the Patriots Patriots. Yep. Okay. Well

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:04:50] Not to be at odds with you, but I'm going for the Seahawks. Okay Well, like I said, you know win or lose it I really don't have a dog in the fight either, but I want to tell you why I'm going after the Seahawks now
[00:05:02] You may not know this but the quarterback Sam Darnold he he actually used to pay for play for the Patriots He was a backup quarterback, and, well, our team could never seem to get going,
[00:05:14] and I always felt bad for him.
[00:05:15] I think it's incredible.
[00:05:17] Look at him right now.
[00:05:18] He's in the Super Bowl.
[00:05:20] Yeah.
[00:05:20] It's in the Super Bowl.
[00:05:21] He made it.
[00:05:21] What I think is a great lesson that helps us to understand that never quit on your dream because when you get surrounded with the right people, the right team, or when you get surrounded in God's house with God's people, man, great things can happen.
[00:05:36] Just like for him, man, he's leading his team.
[00:05:38] Two years in a row, he's won 14 games with his team.
[00:05:44] Now he's in the Super Bowl, so I think it's fantastic.
[00:05:47] That's what happens when you get connected to God and God's house.
[00:05:50] Those dreams begin to take place in your life.
[00:05:52] That's what I take away from it.

[00:05:54] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:05:54] Well, that's way more inspiring than what I have.
[00:05:58] The Patriots, America, patriotic. Let's go.

[00:06:01] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:06:01] I like it. I like it. By the way.

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:06:03] Yours, definitely more inspiring.

[00:06:04] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:06:04] So, you're going to watch the TPUSA halftime show, right?
[00:06:09] You know about that?

[00:06:11] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:06:11] I'll watch whatever halftime show.

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:06:13] So, you know, there's the big controversy about the halftime show, but there's a great American first halftime show that TPUSA is putting on.
[00:06:25] It's going to be a great thing.
[00:06:26] So, you can look it up online and find out how you can connect to that, but it's going to be pretty, pretty good.
[00:06:28] I think it's on YouTube, too, so you can just switch over.
[00:06:31] You can do that.
[00:06:32] So, I love it when we talk about sports.
[00:06:34] I know, because last month's series was about game on, right?
[00:06:37] It is.
[00:06:37] Because I think sports is such a microcosm of life where, you know, you're always having to overcome some sort of opposition.
[00:06:46] Because that's what happens in football.
[00:06:47] That's what happens in basketball, any kind of sport.
[00:06:50] And it's not the Hail Mary that usually wins the game.
[00:06:54] What is it?
[00:06:55] It's the consistent play by play.
[00:06:57] Never give up.
[00:06:58] Never quit.
[00:06:59] Or should I say, it's the consistent pray by pray that you get the victory and overcome in the things of life.
[00:07:07] So that's what I love about watching sport.
[00:07:09] I find it very inspiring in that way.

[00:07:10] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:07:10] And something else inspiring is going to be Pastor Penny bringing the message today.
[00:07:14] Yes, she is.
[00:07:15] I am so excited.

[00:07:16] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:07:16] So we got a brand new series.
[00:07:18] What's it about?

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[00:07:19] It is about relationships.

[00:07:22] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:07:22] Man, it's not just for the married.
[00:07:24] It's for the singles, too.
[00:07:25] Tune in, watch, take great notes.
[00:07:27] Yep, I expect notes.

[00:07:29] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_06]
[00:07:29] a lot of them have a great service good morning freedom house let's get in our feet and worship this morning

[00:07:35] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_05]
[00:07:35] because we know that you are a good good father even when it doesn't feel like it you

[00:17:43] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[00:17:43] oh your presence i can feel your peace in this room right now peace that surpasses all understanding is here today god this song that we all just worshiped you and declared declared lord it said that you will never let us down and that doesn't mean that we may not
[00:18:07] experience pain or affliction for the bible tells us that we may but that to take heart for you've overcome what it means is that we can have joy and have joy in our trouble because our love for
[00:18:23] you god it doesn't depend on the season of life that we are in you are joy you are joy almighty oh powerful God you are our joy you are our peace and I believe that today you are going to restore
[00:18:41] you're going to restore marriages you're going to restore God and you're going to Lord whatever the enemy has stolen from us you are going to make him return it seven times in Jesus name we believe it

[00:18:55] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_07]
[00:18:55] and we declare it amen amen I'm going to ask the leaders to please come forward and we're going to pray. One of the most intriguing stories in the Word of God is when Jesus is asking the Father
[00:19:15] if it's possible to avoid the suffering he's about to experience. Jesus, the one that was given all authority, is asking that to the Father. I don't know about you, but I've been there before.
[00:19:35] I'm there right now asking God a if it is is it possible to avoid or skip the process Jesus knew that the process the suffering was gonna be painful bloody lonely but I love this story because a man shows up his name was Simon and he
[00:20:07] helps jesus carry the cross for a little bit and i love it because it teaches me that i don't have to do it alone you don't have to do it alone if jesus allows someone to show up in the picture
[00:20:27] and help them out for a little bit how much more us we need him so i'm going to invite all of you you to come forward all these leaders are willing to help you you don't have to do it alone just
[00:20:44] come forward they'll pray with you they'll believe with you whatever you're going through family issues financial issues illness God is here and we're here to pray with you

[00:21:02] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_10]
[00:21:02] and let God be God let's continue to worship time welcome to Freedom House welcome home Our senior pastors have a special message just for you.
[00:27:19] But before you turn your attention to the screens, get a name, give a name, shake hands, give a high five, and you may be seated.

[00:27:25] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_01]
[00:27:25] Hey everyone, and welcome to Freedom House.
[00:27:42] My name is Troy Maxwell, and my wife Penny and I are your senior pastors.
[00:27:46] We are one house with many different rooms, and our heart is very simple to help equip you to experience Christ's freedom in your everyday life.

[00:27:54] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[00:27:54] We have a big vision here at Freedom House.
[00:27:57] you will notice every week at every campus, we have live teachers and preachers. Why do we do that? Because we are a relational church. We love connecting and we are not a video venue.
[00:28:11] You'll also notice over in our kids area, they have the same thing. Live teaching, preaching, worship. We're not a babysitting service. They are getting a fresh, relevant Word of God, just like you are.

[00:28:25] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_01]
[00:28:25] And hey, maybe you're new or you haven't got connected yet.
[00:28:28] All you gotta do is very simple.
[00:28:29] Just open your phone up, click that little circle on the seat back pocket in front of you and check out all the amazing things that are happening at your church.

[00:28:37] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[00:28:37] That's right.
[00:28:38] We can't wait to get connected with you.
[00:28:40] Take a look at what's coming up here at Freedom House.

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_08]
[00:28:46] What is up, church?
[00:28:47] Happy Sunday.
[00:28:48] I wanted to take a moment and talk about something that we are passionate about here at Freedom House and that's helping people move forward in their faith in real and tangible ways.
[00:28:57] The Forward Experience is one of the most powerful journeys that we offer as a church.
[00:29:01] It's led by our pastors and leaders, and it's designed to help you grow, to help you heal, and to help you walk in greater freedom.
[00:29:08] It begins with our Forward Basic classes happening March 3rd and March 10th at 7 p.m. at our Central Campus.
[00:29:15] These nights help lay the foundation and prepare you for what's ahead as you learn about identity, sabotage cycles, and how to hear from God.
[00:29:23] Then on March 14th, we'll gather for Ford Weekend, a focused, intentional day from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
[00:29:29] This experience isn't about having all the right answers, but it's about creating a space for God to do meaningful work in your life.
[00:29:36] So if you've been feeling stuck, carrying something maybe that you haven't processed through, or you're simply ready to take a next step, well, Ford is for you.
[00:29:44] So invest in your faith and sign up right now at freedomhouse.cc slash Ford.
[00:29:50] Hey, I want you to picture someone for a moment.
[00:29:52] Matter of fact, close your eyes.
[00:29:54] I'll even do it with you.
[00:29:56] Picture a family walking into the church for the first time.
[00:29:59] Maybe they're nervous.
[00:30:00] Maybe they're hopeful.
[00:30:01] Maybe they just experienced loss or maybe they just moved into the area.
[00:30:05] Picture them walking into the building where they feel relief that they're looking for.
[00:30:08] They get comforted.
[00:30:10] They get greeted.
[00:30:11] They finally feel at home.
[00:30:13] Now picture that moment right now happening at the Ballantyne campus.
[00:30:16] That's what we're preparing for right now as a church.
[00:30:20] All right, you can open your eyes now.
[00:30:21] Our Ballantyne campus isn't just a future plan it's a now plan. It's something that we're actively getting ready for and the way we prepare is by building the right team and creating the right environment before anyone even
[00:30:32] walks through the doors. There's so many ways for you to be part of that whether that's through serving, giving, connecting with community, joining a Ballantyne life group, or committing to launch the campus for the first six months. If you want to
[00:30:44] learn more head to freedomhouse.cc slash Ballantyne or stop by the table in the

[00:30:48] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_00]
[00:30:48] lobby today to get involved. For all this and more, download the Freedom House app or head to freedomhouse.cc slash connect. Hello, Freedom House. How are we doing? You glad to be back in

[00:31:04] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_12]
[00:31:04] the house? It's so good to be in the house. Hey, my name is Michael Ott. I serve on our FH Kids team here. And in a moment, we're going to be receiving our tithes and our offering. But before
[00:31:16] we do that, every year we like to take a moment to stop and look back. To stop and look back, not just at all the wonderful services that we've been able to enjoy as a church family,
[00:31:28] but to stop, to look back and remember everything that God has done in us and through us here at Freedom House Church. You see, today is our annual report. It's our way of being transparent
[00:31:41] with the resources, with the reach, with the life-giving change and impact that happens in our church each and every week. You see, at Freedom House, we believe excellence honors God, and it inspires people. And that's why, as a church, we voluntarily, every year, undergo a very rigorous
[00:32:01] third-party audit so that the gifts that you are giving, you can be sure are always handled in the highest levels of integrity. In fact, as a church, we've been able to maintain the highest rating possible through that process. And so Freedom House, because of your faithful, consistent,
[00:32:21] generous giving, we've been able to steward $8.5 million in total revenue in 2025. Yeah, give yourself a hand. Now, that's not just a budget. You know what that is? That's resources for ministry.
[00:32:37] now in that number our kingdom builders gave 1.4 million dollars a kingdom builder it's not a it's not a program it's people people like you and me that give over and above their tithe regularly
[00:32:52] so that they can excel the vision of freedom house but that's not all you see because as a congregation we all came together to give generously we gave over 348 000 to our one-time liberty offering to help start our new campus and to help upgrade all of our FH Kids environments.
[00:33:13] Yeah, that's what we've been doing. And so we want you to know that all these resources are allocated and how they're allocated. See, of that 8.5, 44% of it goes directly into our ministry areas. 20% goes into missions and outreach. 12% goes into our facilities that
[00:33:34] helps create this wonderful home for our church family.
[00:33:37] And 24% of it goes into administration.
[00:33:41] You see, we want you to understand that we're very intentional about the resources.
[00:33:48] And we want you to know that we're excited about what God is doing.
[00:33:54] Very excited about what God is doing.
[00:33:56] And so if you've been one of those people that have been faithfully giving and sowing into the ministry here at Freedom House, to you, we want to say thank you so very much. Because here's what you need to understand.
[00:34:09] The reason why we look at these finances, it's not because of the numbers themselves.
[00:34:16] It's because of the fruit that they bear. You want to know what the fruit is in 2025?
[00:34:21] Here it goes. 3,580 people decided to follow Jesus. Yeah, give God praise for that.
[00:34:32] we had 243 people get water baptized we had 233 people that made freedom house their home as they went through get on track and as a church through all of our outreach throughout the city
[00:34:48] we logged over 3 000 hours in community service isn't that exciting you see this is a testament of what happens when you you get in the game when you pray boldly and when you give generously
[00:35:02] and if you've been one of those that faithfully give to the vision and mission of Freedom House Church to you we say thank you so very much this would not be possible if it wasn't for you right
[00:35:15] and maybe you're hearing this here today and you're like man how do I get involved you know you can start your journey in generosity today very simply you can be a part of what happens
[00:35:29] in every campus at every service in all of our life groups you can become generous in your giving by simply taking out your phone you can tap the the button that's on the seat there that's in
[00:35:42] front of you and you can follow the prompts to give or you can simply go online and there you can go to freedomhouse.cc slash give to learn more but better yet even get started today amen
[00:35:55] Let's pray.
[00:35:58] Father, we just thank you for what you're doing through Freedom House.
[00:36:03] We are so grateful for the fruit that is being born for the kingdom of God, Lord God.
[00:36:11] Father, we thank you that you would continue to entrust us and give us more, Father, that we can continue to establish God's kingdom and bring freedom and blessing and healing to thousands and thousands and thousands of life
[00:36:27] across the Charlotte region and around the world.
[00:36:31] And so, Father, we come today, we give our tithes and our offering in expectation of you doing great and mighty things.
[00:36:39] We thank you, Father, for your loving kindness and your goodness towards us.
[00:36:43] Thank you for using us to do all these wonderful things for your glory and for your honor.
[00:36:49] In the name of Jesus, I pray.
[00:36:51] And everybody said, amen.
[00:36:53] Thank you so very much, and enjoy the rest of the service.

[00:36:56] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_14]
[00:36:56] Glad to be with you this Sunday in person.

[00:37:43] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[00:37:43] I know that we had a Friday night little event before the snow came and got us, but this is our first Sunday gathering back together, and we're glad that you're all here.
[00:37:54] And all of you that are joining us online right now, welcome.
[00:37:58] We have Mexico, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, Florida, Vermont, Colorado, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, West Virginia, Montana, and Illinois.
[00:38:12] So welcome them, everyone.
[00:38:16] We have been at a series called Candy Hearts.
[00:38:19] And, you know, if you were a little kid and you had your shoe box, you may have gotten some Valentines put in there with a little conversation hearts that say things like, love you, soulmate, you're hot, miss you, all of those.
[00:38:36] You remember those?
[00:38:37] Anybody remember the shoe boxes?
[00:38:40] I mean, I know we're going back a ways, right?
[00:38:43] But I used to love getting those little shoeboxes filled up with Valentines.
[00:38:50] And we thought, how fun would it be if we did a message series and we took all the little conversation hearts and we made messages around them.
[00:38:59] So today, mine is called Miss You.
[00:39:03] And the reason I wanted to pick this one is because I've been married for 34 years.
[00:39:09] and in that 34 years there have been many times where I felt disconnected where we felt like that we were just two ships passing in the night there's different phases we're empty nesters now which we are really enjoying we paid our dues but there were many times where it felt like there was
[00:39:32] a revolving door on the house that we were just coming and going where, you know, we were sitting beside each other, but we were more inward. We were exhausted or tired or, you know, we had
[00:39:46] soccer practice or football practice or cheerleading and carpool running around. And there were many times where, you know, if you're not careful, you can feel like your roommates or business partners instead of connected and joined. And today I wanted to talk to you about when you
[00:40:07] go through those seasons, actually how we get in there. So maybe you don't have to go through that.
[00:40:14] Or maybe if you're in that season right now, how to get out of that season. Because 75% of couples say that at some point in their marriage, they've gone through feeling disconnected.
[00:40:27] and I don't care if you've been married a year or you've been married 50 years this is something that a lot of us experience you know the kids the promotion at work all of that type of thing
[00:40:40] and and I know just a few weeks ago coming out of the holidays I felt like my husband and I were very disconnected I had gotten sick and I wasn't sure initially what was wrong with me it felt like
[00:40:54] mono, and I had that as an adult, and it was this just exhausting feeling, like you couldn't get up out of the bed in the morning, and I didn't think it was mono because I didn't have any of the other
[00:41:07] symptoms, and I remember saying to my husband, hey, something's wrong. I don't know what it is, but something's going on with me, and I even said to him, like, could I be depressed because all I
[00:41:20] want to do is sleep, and he's like, well, I don't know. I mean, are you sad about anything? I said, I'm sad that all I want to do is sleep, but I couldn't figure out what was going on, and come
[00:41:31] to find out, I had shingles. It ended up popping up, and it came up on my face, and the nerve ending that it was on was directly headed towards my eyes, so they put me on bed rest, and they said,
[00:41:46] you we don't want this to go to your eye because it could blind you so me having to chill it for a while is very difficult but I literally for like a week went from the bed to the sofa from
[00:41:59] the sofa to the bed the bed to the sofa even lost my earring because you know my little second hole because I was like laying down so much like don't know where it is it's gone my dog probably found
[00:42:11] it and ate it but it's gone and my husband was still going to work and doing all the things and I remember one night he came in he brought a bottle of water and he sat it by the bed
[00:42:25] and I was like hey I miss you he's like what do you mean you miss me and I was like well I miss you I miss being connected I said I feel disconnected he goes babe we're not just
[00:42:38] disconnected you're good and I said no I feel disconnected I've been laying in a bed I have you know because he was like is that stuff contagious he's like taking his pillow you know I just I wasn't really feeling the love if you know what I mean and and I just said I miss you
[00:43:00] and and that's a bid for connection and he was totally missing it we'll let that sit for a second so finally he says to me he goes babe babe I just do what everybody likes to do when they're not
[00:43:21] feeling good they just want to be left alone and I said babe I don't want to be left alone for a week maybe a day or two okay and he realized because you know that is tends to be his thing
[00:43:36] when he doesn't feel good he just he doesn't want you to mess with him but the thing that I want us to look at and acknowledge today is most marriages don't fall apart because of betrayal.
[00:43:50] They drift because of neglect or distraction, and it all starts with the little small things.
[00:43:57] So I want to talk today initially about why we disconnect. Why do we disconnect in the first place? Well, life can get loud and love grows quiet. All of the technology, the phones, the running around from here to there, the new promotion that you just got. Life gets really loud
[00:44:21] and often what pays the price is our marriage relationship, which is supposed to be outside of the Lord, our number one relationship, but yet we can get disconnected. You see, the person that you love the most can become the person you talk to the least. Song of Solomon 2.15, it says this,
[00:44:46] it says cash for us the foxes the little foxes that ruin the vineyards now the thing that I love about this scripture is I think we often we read over that scripture and we don't really understand
[00:45:02] what it is intending you see the owner of the vineyards he would notice if all of his grapes were missing he would get really upset if he went into his vineyard and all the grapes were gone
[00:45:16] and there was some pesky animal that had done that.
[00:45:19] But, you know, we read this chapter and everything's in full bloom.
[00:45:26] Everything's in full bloom on the outside.
[00:45:29] But what the foxes would do, the foxes were small, they were sneaky and they would come in through breaks in the fence.
[00:45:39] You hearing me?
[00:45:40] They would come in the small places, they would sneak in and they didn't go after the fruit.
[00:45:46] They would go after the root, the little tiny, little tender roots that are underneath.
[00:45:52] They would dig underneath and they would eat the roots and the vineyard owner wouldn't understand what was happening because he would still see the grapes.
[00:46:02] So he thought everything was good.
[00:46:06] In essence, in your marriage, you would confront the really big sins.
[00:46:14] You know, hey, you lied to me.
[00:46:16] Or hey, you did something.
[00:46:18] I felt like it betrayed my trust or my confidence.
[00:46:21] But sometimes those little things that we don't see or we don't understand, the little resentments we pick up, we ignore those.
[00:46:33] And what it's saying here is those little foxes that spoil the vineyards, that ruin the vineyards, the small tolerated things.
[00:46:44] It's the same thing that happens in our marriage.
[00:46:46] Marriages are rarely destroyed by one big moment.
[00:46:50] They are usually eroded by a thousand small moments that we failed to protect.
[00:46:57] How else can we get disconnected?
[00:47:01] Well, we stop pursuing once we feel secure.
[00:47:08] Man, I chased you when I wasn't sure if I'd get to keep you.
[00:47:12] But now that I've kept you, you know, we dated intentionally, but we marry casually.
[00:47:17] The same fire that we pursued with, that fire starts to decrease because we take for granted our relationship.
[00:47:28] We chase and then we choose to coast.
[00:47:33] And that's not what God intended for our marriage.
[00:47:37] As a matter of fact, in Revelation 2, 4, Jesus is speaking and he says, yet I hold this against you.
[00:47:45] He is speaking to his bride.
[00:47:47] He's speaking to the church.
[00:47:50] And so I want us to think about this when it comes to our bride.
[00:47:54] He said, yet I hold this against you.
[00:47:56] You have forsaken the love you had at first.
[00:48:02] Now notice what Jesus says here.
[00:48:04] He says forsaken.
[00:48:05] He didn't say you lost it.
[00:48:08] He's saying you left.
[00:48:11] It didn't just, you know, you didn't just lose it.
[00:48:16] You forsook it.
[00:48:18] You left.
[00:48:21] And I love what Jesus is saying here because he's saying love fades when pursuit fades and he's saying you stop pursuing and I would just ask that today about our marriages have we stopped pursuing ladies maybe you used to look all fine because you
[00:48:44] wanted to land the catch oh trust me I see some of those social media posts and then once we get him and listen I had three kids back to back I am not diminishing anything about being a mom but
[00:49:04] it's like once we land him, we're in sweatpants all day, hair is in a bun, and we're covered in throw up. Side note, that's not very sexy. And I'm not saying don't be a mom and understand the mom
[00:49:22] things, but what I am saying is don't stop. Don't let yourself go. Don't do things that in the early parts of our marriage we would have never done because we just got complacent. Men are very
[00:49:41] visual. It's so important. And men, don't think I've left you out. You used to bring the flowers.
[00:49:48] You used to write the notes. You used to send her sweet text messages during the day. And now that you got her, what do you do to keep her? Do you take it for granted? Because she is a gift from
[00:50:04] God. And the Bible says, he who finds a wife finds a good thing. Keep that good thing. Why else do we disconnect because our emotional needs are unmet and often unspoken. You know, when I had
[00:50:23] shingles, I spoke up. I felt disconnected. And if I'm being honest, I felt a little bit silly having to say, you know, and I think that's sometimes why we don't speak up. It has to do
[00:50:37] with our childhood, what happened in childhood. When I was a kid, if I spoke up, if I had a need, It wasn't going to get met.
[00:50:47] As a matter of fact, it would be used against me.
[00:50:50] So I didn't ask for what I needed.
[00:50:53] I just learned not to need it.
[00:50:57] But in marriage, we're called to heal.
[00:51:00] We're called to be whole.
[00:51:02] And it's extremely important that our spouse gets to see who God really created us to be, not the coping mechanisms that got us through our childhood.
[00:51:14] And I'm talking to both sides here.
[00:51:17] When my husband and I spoke last week, we talked about how women are like spaghetti with our emotions. It's just kind of all out there intermingled for the most part. That's how women are. And men are like waffles, little compartments
[00:51:31] that hold just enough syrup for the moment, just for that little bite, right? My husband explains it like this. He can go from mad to naked in five minutes. I'm not wired that way. I'm going to stew
[00:51:48] on it. I'm going to think about, I'm not going to compartmentalize. We're wired very differently.
[00:51:53] And it's okay to ask your spouse to meet a need that you have.
[00:52:01] And I didn't grow up liking being needy at all.
[00:52:06] But I do need my husband.
[00:52:10] I do need his affection, his love, his tenderness.
[00:52:14] And emotions are part of that, where we can give that.
[00:52:20] Now, I will caution you, ladies, since they are little waffles.
[00:52:25] we've got to be careful and what I do with my husband is when I know I need to have some emotional conversations I say hey can you can you give me five minutes because he needs to know
[00:52:39] there's an ending I mean if he thinks he's going to get trapped for two hours in an emotional conversation like his he starts to gloss over his eyes start to like y'all know what I'm talking
[00:52:54] about. But we're wired very differently. And that's by design. When I'm stressed, I want to talk. I want reassurance. I want closeness. I want proximity. I want to run toward. That's what I do.
[00:53:13] When he's stressed, he withdraws. He goes internal. He gets quiet. He runs inward. And those differences are not always dysfunction. Now, when they're taken in excess, that's dysfunctional. But God designed us and made us differently so we could complement each other. We don't need two plates
[00:53:35] full of spaghetti, right? Men, that was like such a good opportunity for you right there to say, amen. You didn't want to get elbowed. I get it. I get it. But it's okay to ask your spouse to meet
[00:53:53] a need that you have. And interesting enough, it took me probably the first, I don't know, five, six years to realize that my husband wasn't a mind reader. I thought he should just know. I
[00:54:07] mean, it should just be common sense. You hurt my feelings. This is how you fix it. He did not know that. There's not a wife manual out there. I had to tell him what I needed, how I needed it, what
[00:54:24] an apology actually looks like. I've told him, I was like, babe, it's not the two tap. This is what my husband does. He's like, sorry. That two tap has lots of meanings, by the way. That can mean
[00:54:38] we're at somebody's house, time to go. It can mean be quiet. It can mean I'm going to bed.
[00:54:46] The two tap, that's what I call it. It can mean all sorts of things. It's okay to ask your spouse for what you need. You hear me? Ladies, you hear me? Men, it's okay. That was funny.
[00:55:13] In Genesis 2.18, it says, it is not good for man to be alone. So let's not isolate ourselves.
[00:55:25] When we need connection, let's speak up. Let's say it. Because you can be married and be alone emotionally. There's some very lonely marriages, and that's not what God intended for us. He intended for closeness. He intended for connection. And the most dangerous distance in marriage
[00:55:45] isn't physical, it's emotional. So what are some other ways that we can get disconnected? Well, offense. Offense that piles up without repair. Little small hurts that tend to pile up and pile up. We didn't speak up. Things start happening. We shut down. We're mad. We're ruminating.
[00:56:20] We're rehearsing. Ephesians 4, it says this. It says, do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold. You see, what happens when we do that is we
[00:56:38] believe a lie that silence is safer than honesty. And instead of being honest and vulnerable about how we feel, we kind of fill in our own blanks. You know what? He left those socks out
[00:56:55] just to annoy me, just to make me mad.
[00:57:02] You know what?
[00:57:02] She did that intentionally.
[00:57:05] And that's what we can start to rehearse when we don't have the conversations that we need to have.
[00:57:12] You see, every unrepaired conflict gives the devil room in your home.
[00:57:20] And when the Bible says that it gives the devil a foothold, that word foothold actually means topos.
[00:57:28] It's the Greek word topos.
[00:57:29] and it's not a feeling. It's actually real estate. Hear me when I say this, because this is deep.
[00:57:41] What that word foothold means is it's not like, oh, you give the devil, you know, these feelings into your, no, no, no. It says you actually give him real estate. You give him territory to set up
[00:57:53] camp when you do not repair. He now gets real estate in your life. And I say it like this, and I'm going to say it till Jesus comes back. This is so important. Would you rather pull up
[00:58:12] an acorn or a massive oak tree? We have couples that call us all the time. They're like, we need help this situation and I'm like why did you let this go so long because now we got to get
[00:58:30] the lumberjack in we got a forest here it would have been much easier just to pick up the acorn but now it's got root systems and it's dropping other acorns that are dropping others and if we could have gotten it early you know affairs don't usually begin with lust they begin
[00:58:51] with loneliness. You're feeling lonely and you start putting those tentacles out there looking for something. You have a legitimate need that you are trying to fill illegitimately and those tentacles should be going to your spouse. That's
[00:59:10] what should be happening. But when we don't repair, we start reaching out to, you know, our high school boyfriend, the girl who thought we were everything in college.
[00:59:28] And that's when we get in trouble.
[00:59:30] Without repair, we begin to isolate.
[00:59:32] We start to feel lonely.
[00:59:34] And we make up things in our mind.
[00:59:37] He never or she always.
[00:59:45] When it says the devil has foothold, that means he has a legal access to occupy, a right to be there.
[00:59:55] What can disconnection look like?
[00:59:59] Well, it can look like logistics, but we don't really share our hearts.
[01:00:07] When we text more than we touch.
[01:00:10] When we coexist, but we aren't connecting.
[01:00:16] When we feel unseen, unheard, and unchosen.
[01:00:20] That's what I was trying to say to my husband.
[01:00:21] I feel a little unseen here.
[01:00:24] I've been tucked in the bed for a week, raising my hand.
[01:00:29] listen if you raise your hand to your spouse and they don't get it don't just get mad and withdraw say it again say hey I don't feel like you're hearing me and my husband wasn't trying to be uncomfortable or mean or any of those
[01:00:50] things to me he was just saying hey I thought you'd be like me and just wanted to be left alone but I did remind him when he is left alone he's brought his his breakfast. He's brought his lunch. He's brought his medication. He's brought his water
[01:01:06] by the bed. His pillow is fluffed up. Just thought I would throw that out there. Amos 3.3. Y'all like that, didn't you? Amos 3.3 says this. How can two walk together unless they are agreed? Walking
[01:01:26] together requires intentional alignment, not accidental proximity. There is a big difference in Amos, the scripture, people were moving religiously about. They were, you know, doing all of the things to worship God and things looked really good. The economy in Israel was booming.
[01:01:48] The borders were secure. There weren't any wars that were happening at the time.
[01:01:53] Worship was happening. All the festivals were full. So it looked like everything was incredible. But what Amos is saying is he said, hey, I just want you to know that Israel looks like it's thriving
[01:02:09] on the outside, but they're disconnected from God. And he brings up the question, are we truly together or are we just coexisting? Now, listen, I'm not saying that in your marriage that you have to agree on everything. Agreement is not sameness. It's
[01:02:33] not. It means shared intent. But like Israel, underneath all that prosperity, everything that looks so good, you know, on top of your new house and your car and the kids making the soccer team and your daughter winning the spelling bee, on top of all
[01:02:53] of those things, you look underneath, where's your marriage. Everything looks like it's thriving. You got the promotion at work. You got the pay increase. But where are you relationally? Where are you spiritually? Are there fractures? Are there
[01:03:14] little foxes that have gotten in and that are eating away at the roots? In other words, Israel was walking near God, but they were not with God. You can disagree and still walk together, but you cannot disengage and still walk together. And if we've been disengaging,
[01:03:40] if we've allowed layers of things to just stack up, we got to start skinning the onion, guys.
[01:03:48] our marriage is way too important. Amos right here is saying, acknowledge the distance exists.
[01:03:58] Be real about it. Don't just talk about all the things that are looking good on the outside and how great business is. And man, it's incredible. Let's talk about where we are. What's going on
[01:04:13] with us. How you feeling? God cares deeply about your marriage being connected. Why? Well, Ephesians 5 says your marriage is a reflection of Jesus and the church. You see, the enemy doesn't attack marriages because he hates families. He attacks marriages because they represent and they magnify
[01:04:41] God himself, and it's a reminder that he's a loser. That's why he attacks marriages, because they model the very presence and image of God. Why does God care about your marriage? Well, your marriage being connected releases unity and spiritual power. There is strength that cannot
[01:05:09] be easily fractured. Ecclesiastes 4.12 says a threefold cord is not easily broken. What does that mean? It means that you, your spouse, and God, when those three cords are wrapped together, it is not easily disconnected. That is a big deal. That is huge. Disconnection will affect
[01:05:36] every area of your marriage. It will affect your prayer and your blessing. It's what the Bible says in 1 Peter 3, 7. It ties your spiritual authority to marital unity. If you want to know why your
[01:05:53] prayers aren't getting answered, maybe there's some disconnection between you and your spouse that you can fix today. Today. Now, here's the thing. We've talked about all of this, but what do you do when you're in this position and you find yourself disconnected? What do you
[01:06:16] do? How do you overcome that? Well, the first thing is you name it. You don't ignore it.
[01:06:26] Connection can start when someone is honest enough to say, hey, I miss you. It's like you're taking the little miss you heart and you're saying, I miss you. I want to connect. I want to go deeper. And I know that there have been times where I said that to my husband and he
[01:06:50] didn't feel the same way. Again, understand men are more like waffles. They can compartmentalize.
[01:06:59] But for me, all of the emotions are tied together. And it's important that we know how to read our spouse. When we feel a little bit distant, when we feel like things have shut down a bit, we've
[01:07:14] got to be able to bring that up and talk about it. To a man saying, I miss you, might look like my wife doesn't want to have sex enough. She doesn't want to connect physically. To a woman, it may look
[01:07:33] like my husband doesn't want to connect enough with my heart and hear my feelings. Both of those are saying, I miss you, but they're saying it differently. And I'm not asking you to speak your
[01:07:45] spouse's language, I am asking you to understand your spouse's language. You're wired differently for a reason. What do you do when your marriage starts to break down or disconnect? You return to intentional time. Intentional time. There's many times in the Bible we read that Jesus would
[01:08:08] step away to pray. He would step away just to rest, just to regroup. He also directed the disciples to do the same thing.
[01:08:19] He said, go away, rest for a moment, exhale, breathe.
[01:08:25] It's so important for couples to do that.
[01:08:28] When was the last time you took a vacation without your kids?
[01:08:32] And I'm not talking about a week, maybe just a weekend, but just for the two of you to reconnect, to remember how you fell in love, why you fell in love, when things get busy and crazy
[01:08:48] and the schedules are just mind boggling, just to stop and remember the covenant and why you entered the covenant.
[01:08:58] If you need to put your spouse on your schedule, schedule them in, do it.
[01:09:06] We don't do, we used to have weekly dates and we wouldn't do date night just because our kids were involved in so many sports and all the homework.
[01:09:17] And it just, there's no way I would have been able to connect in the evening getting called from a babysitter about math problems or cheerleading practices or football practices that to me it wouldn't have been relaxing my my brain again
[01:09:33] I'm spaghetti right I can't compartmentalize like that so for us what we would do um is we would take Mondays which is our day off and we would go have lunch together and we would debrief
[01:09:46] Now that we're empty nesters, every night is date night.
[01:09:51] It's pretty amazing.
[01:09:54] But here's the thing that we do.
[01:09:56] We make sure that we're intentional to check in.
[01:10:00] When it was a hard season, we would check in daily.
[01:10:05] And what it would look like is my husband would say, and it's important that the men lead this because we want a strong leader that we can follow.
[01:10:15] We wanna follow you men.
[01:10:18] But y'all know what I say around here.
[01:10:20] it's really hard to follow a parked car we want you leading and so my husband would lead and when it's a hard season we would do a daily check-in and he would say I noticed your spidey
[01:10:35] senses went off a few times today can you tell me about that and my spidey senses would be where things just didn't sit right does that make sense you just something just isn't computing it doesn't
[01:10:47] and he can see me kind of racing internally.
[01:10:53] What we do now is we do a weekly check-in.
[01:10:58] And it's on Monday night because that's our day off and we can plan that.
[01:11:04] It's not like we're rushing home from work and 25 things we're trying to do.
[01:11:09] We wanna be intentional about it.
[01:11:10] So we do it on our day off.
[01:11:12] And what it looks like is it looks like my husband's saying, hey, how did we do this past week?
[01:11:18] he starts it off and I'll say well I feel like we had a little bit of a rupture here I felt like I wasn't understood or I could say hey I felt like this past week we did really great we were really
[01:11:37] close we when we had hard decisions to make we were on the same page so that's the first question he asked me is how did we do last week then he says what big things do we have coming up this
[01:11:50] week that we need to tackle together. And we'll look at our schedule and we'll talk about what big things that we need to tackle that week. Then the next thing he does is he looks at me and he
[01:12:03] says, what do you need from me? And I am able to say, I need a little bit more tenderness.
[01:12:14] I felt like, you know, you just kind of dismissed my feelings on this. Or babe, when you did this last week, it really meant a lot to me. Could you do that some more? That's what our weekly check-in
[01:12:31] looks like. And listen, sometimes the weekly check-in can be a little bit heated. Y'all hearing me? Because you say, how did we do last week? Well, I don't think you did good on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. And it's hard during those weeks because most people don't understand
[01:12:58] that conflict is a portal to intimacy. It's a good thing. We have an opportunity to bring that to the table and discuss it so we can dismantle. But what happens is we go, oh, it's a nice peaceful
[01:13:14] day off. I don't want to bring this up. And then we stuff it. And guess what? When you bury things alive, they come right back. Only things that are buried dead stay under. So it's important
[01:13:27] that if one of us is feeling something, that we bring that up, that we talk about it, that we return to that intentional time.
[01:13:37] What else do we need to do?
[01:13:40] We need to rebuild emotional safety.
[01:13:43] This is so important.
[01:13:44] Connection only grows where people feel safe and honest.
[01:13:48] And if people don't feel safe and honest, they will not open up.
[01:13:53] That's like the bottom layer of how you have a relationship is trust.
[01:13:58] And if that is not there, there needs to be some repair.
[01:14:02] Proverbs 24, three through four says this.
[01:14:04] It says, by wisdom, a house is built and through understanding, it is established.
[01:14:12] In other words, love builds the house, but understanding makes it a home.
[01:14:20] So it's that connection.
[01:14:24] It's very important that we restore emotional safety in our marriage.
[01:14:31] Why is that?
[01:14:32] Because the number one need of a woman is to feel safe.
[01:14:38] I cannot tell you how many women I have talked to lately that told me they didn't feel safe.
[01:14:44] Whether it was some type of addiction that their husband was dealing with, maybe pornography or alcohol.
[01:14:51] Maybe he didn't steward the finances well.
[01:14:54] Maybe it didn't feel safe because she didn't feel like she could speak up, that her emotions were dismissed.
[01:15:01] and when the women doesn't feel when a woman doesn't feel safe then she doesn't give what the man needs which is respect and honor and then what happens is you have two people that go without
[01:15:15] their needs being met and disconnection comes in there and before you know it you're two ships passing in the night you're living like roommates instead of covenant partners women feel intimate because they are connected.
[01:15:35] Men feel connected because they are intimate.
[01:15:39] We're wired very differently.
[01:15:42] But when we understand the difference, both of us can end up getting our needs met instead of both of us feeling rejected.
[01:15:51] Which brings me to the next thing.
[01:15:57] How do we make sure that we, when we're feeling disconnected, that we can come back together again?
[01:16:05] We repair quickly.
[01:16:07] This is one we've had to work on.
[01:16:11] Colossians 3.13 says, bear with each other and forgive one another.
[01:16:17] The strongest marriages are not conflict-free, they are repair-rich.
[01:16:25] When my husband had surgery recently on his shoulder, the doctor was amazed at how quickly he recovered.
[01:16:32] And he said, a healthy person is going to recover faster than a sick person.
[01:16:38] And he told my husband, you're incredibly healthy, That's why you repaired so quickly, recovered so quickly.
[01:16:47] It's the same in a marriage.
[01:16:49] When you don't repair or recover quickly, it's because there's some unhealth there.
[01:16:58] Healthy things repair faster.
[01:17:02] And when I say repair, I don't wanna confuse a pattern that we had learned early on in our marriage.
[01:17:08] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[01:17:13] That's dismissive behavior.
[01:17:15] That's not repairing.
[01:17:16] It's a, I wanna shut this down.
[01:17:18] I'm uncomfortable with conflict.
[01:17:19] Okay, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, right.
[01:17:21] Can we move on?
[01:17:24] When I say repair, it's not everything go under the proverbial rug.
[01:17:29] When I say repair, you're doing a relational autopsy where you get up on the table and you're finding out what the cause of the issue is.
[01:17:39] That's what I mean by repair.
[01:17:43] The next one, last one, is reignite pursuit.
[01:17:46] song of Solomon in chapter one, verse two says, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. Sometimes you need a little Barry White. Come on, baby. Baby, I love you. Y'all know what
[01:18:22] I'm talking about. I can't get enough. Sing with me. Come on.
[01:18:31] Know what I'm talking about. A little Barry White. Can't get enough, baby. Come on. Get them back in the sound booth. They're all like, y'all gonna play that song later. I know it. Good on
[01:18:56] you. Good on you. I think sometimes we forget that God is not awkward about romance. He actually invented it. And as look, the ladies are clapping on that one. Adam and Eve were naked and unafraid
[01:19:12] in the garden. Men, I'm helping you right now. You better be preaching me, preaching me strong.
[01:19:24] It's so important that we understand that we've got to reconnect. And I'm talking about holding hands again. I'm talking about sitting on the sofa, rubbing each other's heads, just putting arms around each other. Look, he's like, he's like, yeah, yeah, rub my head. Touch is not a bonus in
[01:19:50] marriage. It is a biological need. Touch your spouse, hug your spouse, kiss your spouse. You what touch does it releases oxytocin which is the bonding hormone and it helps you attach when you have been detached so if you're wondering how to reconnect grab your spouse's hand
[01:20:18] just rub their arm rub their skin you know there is nothing that i love more than when my husband prays over me in the morning and he kisses me on the forehead and he puts his hands on my face i
[01:20:31] am like putty in troy maxwell's hands that's what touch is designed to do touch heals it's soothing and when touch goes away the body sees that as a threat when you start to get disconnected
[01:20:52] it's one of you is sitting on one side of the room the other is sitting on the other side of the room and you each have your phones what if you put your phones down what if you sat by each other
[01:21:02] you held hands you know pastor Troy and I always say we want to be the old people on the beach walking together still holding hands after being married for 70 years that's what I want I don't want intimacy to ever not be something
[01:21:20] that is in our life where we're holding hands we're kissing on each other and physical intimacy is not just a reward of marriage it's the glue that protects your marriage. It's incredibly important. You see, when you say, I miss you to your spouse,
[01:21:42] what you're really saying is I still choose you. I still want you. I don't want there to be any distance between us. You're saying I'm fighting for you. You're saying we matter. And in Song of
[01:22:02] Solomon three, verse four, it says, I found the one my heart loves. Can I tell you this today?
[01:22:12] Don't stop finding the one that you've already found. Will you stand on your feet with me?
[01:22:19] I want to speak to couples in just a minute, but before I do, I want to do something really important. And I would just ask that everybody just stay where you are because everything that
[01:22:45] I said today, none of it matters if we don't get this one thing down. So whether you're here in this room, whether you're watching online, I think God today is making a bid for connection.
[01:23:12] He's got one of those little hearts in his hand and he's extending it to you today. And he's saying, I miss you. We've been detached. That can happen just like our relationships with people. We can
[01:23:32] get detached from God. And I believe he's right here today with this little candy heart that says miss you on it. And he's asking for connection. Would you close your eyes and bow your heads with
[01:23:54] me? All across this room and everyone who is watching online, if you know today that you have been disconnected from God, there has been distance, there's been a gap, there's been a space, and you want to reconnect today,
[01:24:19] I would just like for you just to raise your hand right where you are at your seat.
[01:24:22] You just say, man, I feel disconnected.
[01:24:24] Thank you.
[01:24:26] Who else?
[01:24:27] Thank you.
[01:24:30] Thank you here in the front.
[01:24:32] Thank you in the back.
[01:24:34] I know there's people online.
[01:24:35] Thank you.
[01:24:38] You just say it, man, I don't want to be disconnected.
[01:24:47] Whether you're in here or whether you're online and that was you, I want you just to say this and everyone can join with them.
[01:24:57] Say, Heavenly Father, we ask you to come near.
[01:25:03] You said if we draw near you, you'll draw near us.
[01:25:09] We're drawing near today.
[01:25:12] No more distance.
[01:25:14] No more gap.
[01:25:16] Just connection.
[01:25:19] Jesus' name.
[01:25:23] Last thing I want to do is if you're in here today and you're married, I want you to put your arms around the one that you love.
[01:25:39] Just put your arms around them.
[01:25:48] Both arms.
[01:25:55] This is a big deal.
[01:25:58] Some of you haven't done this in a long time.
[01:26:00] Just put both arms around your spouse.
[01:26:08] Not an awkward, man, you're in a covenant.
[01:26:12] Both arms around your spouse.
[01:26:17] I just want you to look at them and tell them how much you love them.
[01:26:22] And if you're in here today and you're single, I hope you've taken every single word that we have spoken today and put it in your toolbox because you're gonna need it.
[01:26:38] And as I pray over the marriages in here, maybe you at your seat, if you're not married maybe you can pray for the one that God has called for you maybe you don't know who they are maybe you're engaged maybe you're dating but I want this to
[01:26:58] be a time for everyone to just get from God what you need if your spouse isn't here today and you're believing for them to come to know the Lord then pray that but I want to pray over all
[01:27:12] the marriages in here so grab your spouse if you're married if you want to be married you pray that while I'm praying and let's believe God's going to do some repair and restoring and marriages
[01:27:28] you ready?
[01:27:33] ladies just put your head on your husband's chest just hear his heartbeat just feel safe in his arms Father I just thank you for all the beautiful marriages in here today that are represented God I thank you for repair
[01:27:53] I thank you for bringing connection back if it's been lost God I thank you that every single marriage is covered by you God I thank you that every single marriage that is in here and those that are watching online God I thank you that you are
[01:28:15] the umbrella of protection that covers them that covers their family I pray for the men that are the heads of the house and I pray for the wives that lift their arms up thank you God for these
[01:28:29] strong unions. Thank you for strong couples. Thank you, God, that no matter what's been broken down or disconnected, that God, that you're coming back and bringing everything and laying it at your feet.
[01:28:43] God, that good marriages will get great, that every single person that is in here, God, we thank you for their future marriages. We thank you that you are a God that is more than enough to meet every
[01:29:04] need that every single person in this room has. God, thank you for who you are. We know it's by your blood, Jesus, and that your church is a picture. Your relationship with the church is a
[01:29:29] picture of how you want our marriages to be. We love you so much. It's this name. What a great

[01:29:50] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_07]
[01:29:50] message. Thank you, Pastor Penny. I love you. I love you too. My favorite part was listening to Barry White at church.
[01:29:59] That was awesome.
[01:30:01] Well, if you're a first-time guest at Freedom House, please join us.
[01:30:04] Head over to Guest Central for a free gift.
[01:30:07] Also, please grab your phone.
[01:30:10] You may tap on the button in front of you.
[01:30:12] You can hear more information about Freedom House, upcoming events, ways to connect, and more.
[01:30:18] Get on track.
[01:30:19] It's happening right after this service.
[01:30:22] Please join us.
[01:30:24] You can hear more information about Freedom House and join the family.

[01:30:28] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[01:30:28] That's right.
[01:30:29] We also have Forward coming up, which is where if you feel like there has been something holding you back and you want to experience more of Christ's freedom, good news.
[01:30:38] Forward's coming up on March 3rd and the 10th.
[01:30:40] And we will conclude with a Forward experience on March 14th.
[01:30:45] So definitely join that.
[01:30:46] And if you want more information, you're more than free to also ask Guest Central or come see us in the lobby and we give you more info.
[01:30:53] Yeah.

[01:30:53] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_07]
[01:30:53] All right, Freedom House. You're the Smith. You're the Smith. God bless y'all.

[01:30:57] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[01:30:57] Hey, can you take the lights up and down so I can see with the right?
[01:33:22] This one over my head. These are too bright. I need to test. I cannot see my notes.
[01:33:42] They don't need to turn the music down.
[01:33:46] So this one, what percentage is this one on?

[01:33:51] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_09]
[01:33:51] That one is at 100%. Okay.

[01:33:57] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[01:33:57] So then bring these down.

[01:33:59] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_04]
[01:33:59] I need to be able to see. No, that's not helping.

[01:34:10] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[01:34:10] like those are bring them down a little bit but not these bring it up just a little bit i'm just having a really hard time um i don't know i just can you give me my glasses

[01:34:52] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_13]
[01:34:52] i don't know i just can't see i don't know what the fix is i know that's a yellow light is there

[01:35:52] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_11]
[01:35:52] way to I'll just have to wear my glasses service yeah you can go back to the normal because it's not helping it's It's all right, I just have to wear glasses.
[01:37:59] I'm just gonna have to blow my notes up really big.
[01:38:02] Big or great or bolder?
[01:38:05] Bigger.

[01:38:06] [SPEAKER SPEAKER_03]
[01:38:06] Bigger, yeah.
[01:38:18] You're on such a band.